Its 12:55am And I'll Study As If My Exam Is Tomorrow...I'll Update You On How It Goes

DATE : 13-3-25

Aim: IIT Bombay,CS

5/100 So I didn't post anything for the last two days cuz I was exhausted. But anyways yesterday was my last exam and yesterday I also went to my coaching so it was a hectic day. Now even though my school exams are over, I still have my coaching's reshuffling test to worry about and I really need to study properly or else I'll remain behind. I have 11 more days. and it's not even full uninterrupted 11days, no, Holi is day after tomorrow. I have school and coaching both in between and and I have just started with the syllabus, I have to cover everything from scratch cuz I wasted most of my 11th but it changes now. Anyways enough of my ramblings. hours studied on ypt today:

I cried today.

I won't.....I would keep this to myself and pretend it is normal because honestly at this point it is normal for me to not tell anything to anyone. I try and share so minuscule things of my everyday life to my friends to make sure that I never share the actual important stuff of my life to them. i always feel there's a wall separating them from me because their parents are so lenient whereas my parents are very strict.

How do I explain this desire to no longer explain anything to anyone?

I cried yesterday sitting on my bathroom floor and I almost had anxiety attack (idk I felt so anxious and frustered and almost cried and my chest was feeling tight) when my best friend ignored and slightly humiliated me and I cried while writing the previous post.

I just hope I'm not in depression cuz I dont want to be in depression. I truly want to correct my life and i promise that I start with my studies.

I promise myself that there will be a day when I'll be content and there would be no sadness in my mind.

I really really regret all m mistakes last year....all I needed was someone to help me out .....all I needed was a hug ......all I really needed was someone to listen to me without judging and to explain things that are common sense for people. I know I can still do it though but I'm still alone. I feel like im always alone

For the past few years I've always cried alone, in my bathroom to be specific. I cry alone not because I feel ashamed of being vulnerable in front of others but because I know that later on they would bring it up probably to mock me or gossip about it to the neighbours thinking it's funny. It's not, it really stings okay..... if only moms could understand this.

I know it's very wrong that I failed physics and had yo give a retest and I know last year I didn't study at all. I know it's my mistake but really mom? Do you think screaming at me about it 24/7 would help? I love how you easily give up and think I can't do it. And when you say that again and again, in doing nothing but cursing you in mind and it's not something I want to do. You're my mom but I have kind of lost respect for you, the only reason I act a little respectfully is because I feel obliged to return something in return because it was you who shaped me into the person I am today and honestly I'm proud of myself for my EQ. Yes I know it's wrong for me to be distracted the whole year to the point where I failed a subject but honestly what I am telling myself is that I gained an experience, a bad one, something I don't want to repeat ever again but it's just an experience, it was just one phase on my life. I'm not gonna let that define my whole life, I am sure I am not a failure because I haven't given up and I have moved on to start with the new session already, sure my last session was a mess but I'll do better. I'll make it better. I'm not just gonna stop and give up because I didn't achieve the model grades. That's so stupid and dumb.

I'll be honest I am an absent friend like I would go out of my way to make you feel happy and I would definitely take your side when you're venting about someone else to me but I just tend to live in my own world and suck at keeping up the communication regular but if you with or without any reason start ignoring me and then drop obvious clues that you're ignoring me.....I'm sorry but you've lost me as your friend

If you think you can control me by ignoring me and I would ask you what happened you're wrong. This is a manipulation and I am not falling for it

You put this into words

I have always seen videos and blogs and numerous articles telling you how you can achieve your best self with highest potential. And many people want to achieve their highest potential....many people work towards it but I've never heard people saying that they want to be their favourite self. Where they achieve their true goals something they truly wanted to do since childhood . Something that just makes them happy instead of joining the rat race and seeing where they want to make more money and just become whatever they want to be as a kid . I know this sounds so naive and tbh this is naive but rn I wish that I become successful so that my little brother could depend on me and without any fear of expectation from other . I wish he could pursue his childhood dream because whenever I see his passion and the pretty smile on his face when he talks about it I just want to make sure that no matter what happens he is able to acheive his childhood dream. I don't have a passion and yes I'm going to run after money but I want to do it for him so that instead of joining the rat race he can fulfill his passion and become his favourite self.