I Won't.....I Would Keep This To Myself And Pretend It Is Normal Because Honestly At This Point It Is

Its 12:55am and I'll study as if my exam is tomorrow...I'll update you on how it goes

Not to get too deep on my first post but did anyone else have such deeply rooted issues with their self worth for so long that they thought as a teen that their only redeeming feature was being "low maintenance" and now you give yourself guilt pangs asking for any more than the barest minimum in virtually any relationship because asking for things might negate your good quality which is" doesn't ask for things"

I need to study because I want to get in the best college/ university so that I can get good placement and starting package can be good also to have sophisticated and quality education compared to the rest of the people. I really want to be the girl who would make it above average. I want to be that girl who is disgustingly overeducated so that the second anyone has a question I am the first person they turn to and I am able to answer that question surely without a doubt on myself or my answer. I want to be appreciated and known for my knowledge because that is also the one thing that no one could ever take from me. tbh i just want to be that person which other parents use an example infront of their kids.(I swear this is the Indian in me)

If you're friends with a judgemental person you'll truly fear being yourself...

I read this in a tumblr post and I can relate to this. My friend was so smart(she still is) she was good at studies and at playing piano and whenever I used to go with her to learn to play piano I used to feel so inferior because she used to judge me unashamedly infront of me and laugh at the smallest of my mistakes. She was my best friend and I could never connect with her on a personal level. Never. she had confessed many things to me and i had always helped her but i never really confessed any of my fear or my core problems . I really felt inferior subtly always and when it used to be very profound I used to fight back but it always used to go to the previous way of her always making me feel subtly inferior .

Today she ignored me cuz I spent time with one of my other friend instead of her and honestly even though her advices were great and that she was smart I am just done going back to her and give her reasons on why I spent time with that friend instead of her.

Like we were friends no not just friends but best friends for 3 years but I can not just let her lord over me. I am already trying to cope up with my increasing backlogs . I really don't want to deal with her. If she wants to ignore then it's fine I'm ignoring her back. I don't have to deal with her it's my choice.

I know I'll miss her but I'll never regret this decision cuz she cant manipulate me by ignoring me and I know even if I still go back to her I'll feel inferior to her and I dont want to experience that.

I really really regret all m mistakes last year....all I needed was someone to help me out .....all I needed was a hug ......all I really needed was someone to listen to me without judging and to explain things that are common sense for people. I know I can still do it though but I'm still alone. I feel like im always alone

If only my mom could understand this....she needs to stop comparing my worth according to my marks

“you were supposed to be loved in your being, not in your performance.”

I don't know what — I..,,well

Dude you were too harsh with your callout😭😭

Look at you. Browsing the same four apps over and over again looking to find your parents' love that you never got, from strangers' validation.

The people who have accomplished the things you want are not better than you. They are not more skilled than you are. Their mindset is simply different. Their mindset inspires new habits and attributes that contribute to a strong sense of self-belief and enables them to overcome obstacles, achieve their goals, and lead fulfilling lives.

Fortunately, this is something you can work on and have complete control over.

If you want to change your life, these are some of the things you should be working on within yourself.

Self-awareness: Successful people have a clear understanding of their strengths, weaknesses, values, and goals. They are aware of who they are and what they want to achieve.

Positive mindset: They maintain a positive outlook on life and view challenges as opportunities for growth. They focus on solutions rather than dwelling on problems.

Resilience: Bouncing back from failures and setbacks quickly. They see failures as temporary and use them as learning experiences to improve and grow.

Self-motivation: You need to be internally driven and have a strong sense of purpose. Successful people set goals for themselves and work persistently towards achieving them.

Confidence: They have confidence in their abilities and believe in their potential for success. They trust their judgment and are not easily swayed by others' opinions.

Adaptability: They are open to change and embrace new experiences. They are willing to step out of their comfort zone and take risks to pursue their goals.

Discipline and consistency: They practice self-discipline and maintain consistency in their actions. They set routines, establish habits, and follow through on their commitments.

Emotional intelligence: They possess a high degree of emotional intelligence, understanding their own emotions and the emotions of others. They can manage their emotions effectively and maintain positive relationships.

Growth mindset: They believe in their ability to learn and develop new skills. They see setbacks as opportunities for improvement and are open to acquiring new knowledge and experiences.

Self-care: They prioritize self-care and well-being. They recognize the importance of taking care of their physical, mental, and emotional health, which helps them maintain a positive mindset and stay motivated.

I started a productivity challenge for myself a few days ago....I was barely conpleting it. Only able to tick off 1 item off my to do list. I was still procrastinating watching tv shows, reading fanfictions, daydreaming. I still started this challenge of productivity, I was falsely trying to convince myself that I'll make it, that atleast I started with baby steps such as thinking about this, then posting the first 3 days of it on tumblr. But the real reason that I did this was because I was afraid I was gonna fail my physics exam. This was the fear inside me that I was trying to hide from myself and the people around me. And that is exactly what happened to me, I failed my physics exam and you wanna know the worst part? I kind of don't really care. And my parents didn't care either. Not in the way that you're thinking but last year in 10th grade, I was always being pushed to do best and my mom did so much for me, she used to teach me but since 11th I've heard it from so many people that 11th goes bad for every pcm kid and everyone suffers a downfall from 10th to 11th. But I literally failed. I went from getting atleast 95% to not even passing. That's how low I have fallen and i haven't cried yet. I feel like since I've been exposed to too many people saying that bad grades are literally a cannon event in 11th, I've grown numb to getting low score. Even though I'm realising this and writing it out, I'm still not feeling the sadness and the determination I know I would have felt in 10th and this is so sad. It is so disheartening. And tbh I'm clueless on how to study now. I have 2 days for the retest. A part of me is still sad about the indifference and the lack of emotion I'm showing regarding this.

i cried today as well. two days in a row and I cried. Is my life so depressing. agar iss bitch ko hurt feel hua hai ki mai fail hui hoon toh isse kya lagta hai ki mein khushi se naach rhi hoti hoon kya?

matlab faltu mein kuch bhi krne ke liye bolna hai toh eek line nhi 6-7 line mein chilla kr shrill voice mei bolna jaruri hai kya. issliye keh rhi hoon main ki she needs a therapist kyunki she definately needs help and i don't even mean this in an insulting way. She does need help and honestly it would benefit us a lot if she would go to a damn therapist. i swear jab mein badi hongi and if i have children of my own i would never let them feel so lonely that they would turn to books for imagination and friends. my priorities for them would be their health (which obv includes mental health), i want them to have a healthy and a good mindset and then knowledge. i hate her and i am cursing her out so often it's not good for me and not good for her either. when she doesn't know the whole fucking picture why the fuck is she coming to scold me? like no bitch i don't like annoying you and i genuinely don't know how to wake up in the mornings, like i don't know why i can't listen you waking me up. i don't know maybe i'm a heavy sleeper. i don't know anything to cure it. and yes i know i failed physics but did you ever come and talk to me about it? no you just speak in the fucking shrilly tone of yours and tell me that i need tution and how you are going to make me leave coaching. bitch i hate you. you say that i keep things hidden from you. you don't even listen to a fucking word i speak and you totally get the meaning of my words wrong. and you would never try to understand where i'm coming from.you're so narrow minded you would never try and understand me, you try and fail to be understanding so you know what please stop so i can atleast hate you properly