So I Basically Get So Used To Hide Behind Some Excuses And Developed Binging Cycles For A Year. I Was

9/01

alright y’all. i’m fr getting this weight off. imma use this account as a personal tracker, so i’m sorry to the very few people who follow me lmao.

weigh in: 127.9 (i think)

so today i went shopping with my friends, and managed to only panic in the dressing room once. then we ate at cheesecake factory :/ i had 420 cal pot stickers and a few bites of other people’s cheesecakes. then we ate boba, which was around 100 cal. my friends gave me some cheez it’s to snack on but not too many, maybe around 10.

i feel like a ginormous whale in my new clothes, i just want to look dainty in them :/

i got this. i’m not giving in this time.

“Disordered Eating” Things

- Simultaneously eating like a normal person and mentally lashing yourself for it.

- Not eating when you feel angry or sad, but then a few hours later you eat a bag of chocolate marshmallows because you somehow convince yourself it doesn’t count.

- “I shouldn’t have done that”

- Looking at thinspo at night and crying because you feel ugly

- The 5th grader pitch screaming in your head as you take another bite of food.

- a week of super healthy eating and working out followed by two weeks of unhealthy eating 

- constantly shifting of wanting to look like a toned fitness model, to a thicc slim, to a skeleton fairy 

- *eating something* *someone comments on the thing you are eating* *stops eating thing* *50/50 chance you may eat it later*

- oh yeah, random moments of eating something before spontaneously destroying the food or tossing it 

- “Okay, after this weekend, I’m fasting”

- wishing you were anorexic knowing you shouldn't 

- body dysmorphia 

- Calling it disordered eating because you don’t feel deserving of calling it an ed 

tw/ed

having an ed is drinking coffee all fucking day long, fantasizing about your next shit, craving the hollow feeling of starvation, but loving food more than anyone else ever.

why am I doing this?? 65 reasons (so far)

because I literally can’t fit into 90% of my clothes

because I hate that I gained weight in quarantine instead of glowing up

because I feel too ugly for pictures

because I feel too ugly to go swimming

because I’m past the point of thicc, I’m just fat

because I want to start my new job and have people think I’m fit and smart and beautiful, instead of another lazy and fat girl

because I’m tired of being asked if I’m pregnant

because I want to buy clothes with a single digit size

because I hate the way everything jiggles in the mirrors at the gym

because I would love to be taken seriously by my doctor, instead of being told I should just lose weight

because I want people to smile when they see me eat, not stare

because I want to look younger than I am, not older

because I miss how big my eyes looked when I was skinnier

because I want my family to gasp when I go visit them in the fall

because people hate fat people

because people are disgusted by fat people

because my roommate’s girlfriend said “fat people don’t deserve love” and I couldn’t help but blush

because all my roommates noticed me blushing

because my boyfriend’s brother asked how we cuddle comfortably, because how could I not crush him

because I’m tired of seeing my friends lose weight and glow up

because I wish I could wear designer clothes

because I want to share clothes with my friends

because I’m going to a black tie wedding next year and I want to make heads turn

because when I told my dad I was going to the gym again his first comment was “good, you need to lose weight”

because the thing that makes my mom smile the most is when I tell her how many pounds I’ve lost

because if I could quit smoking, I can quit food

because I’m tired of failing

because I don’t want to have to hide my body during sex

because when my boyfriend told his friends I was out of his league, they replied “more like out of your weight class”

because I want to have a jawline sharp enough to kill

because I wish I knew what it was like to have a medium or large be baggy

because I want to be able to wear highwaisted jeans with a shirt tucked in

because everything looks better on skinny people

because even my necklace has gotten too tight

because I want to be able to wear flared pants

because I hate the cellulite on my legs

because I’m tired of how exhausted I get on easy hikes

because I want to be comfortable flying

because I don’t want people to glare at me when I sit next to them on a plane

because I want to be a lightweight when I drink

because I hate having a double chin

because I can’t even wrap my hands around my neck with my fingers touching

because I wish I could do tiktok dances without jiggling

because I’m tired of people saying that I dress well for my size

because I’m tired of people saying that I’m pretty for my size

because I want to be able to post bodychecks

because I want to look like I’m not faking an eating disorder

because I’ll probably be engaged by the end of the year, and I don’t want to have sausage fingers for the photo

because I want to look beautiful on my wedding day

because I want to pick any dress instead of just the one that fits

because I wish I could post aesthetic pictures with me in them

because I wish people would ask me to be in their photoshoots

because I’m tired of being plus size

because I’m embarrassed to shop at torrid

because I hate the stretchmarks on my stomach

because I haven’t been under 200 pounds since I was 14

because I want my boyfriend to be able to pick me up

because I want to be elegant

because I’m tired of only getting fatter and fatter

because I hate the way I look

because I hate feeling helpless about the way I look

because I hate the way I feel

because I want to be beautiful

because I want to be envied

because I want to be wanted.

(does one thing) hm i think i deserve a little reward :) (walks around in circles listening to music for three hours)

hey guys! ♡´･ᴗ･`♡ sorry for abandoning this page (i was in recovery for a while, failed terribly & here i am now) but i hope u guys are staying safe & hydrated!♥︎

Day 8

more stealing from instagram credit in pic but these r super helpful!!! stay safe n hydrated

am I the only one that has those times where you literally have no motivation to go on. Everything is a burden and you feel heavy and loopy and you want to sleep your life away. The things you loved to once do become chores and the sunny days you used to adore now seem dull and your favourite food tastes like cardboard and your favourite song doesn’t make you sing along. It’s just scary but hey the show must go on...

• silent workout •

these workouts you can do at night to get rid of that fat that just never goes away

{ How to get rid of your Flabby Stomach }

- 20 crunches

- 35 sit-ups

- 10 full body crunches

- 50 crisscross crunches

- 10 wide leg cross sit-ups

- 20 leg raises

~ How to get rid of your jello thighs ~

- 100 pillow squeezes

- 30 side leg lifts ( each side )

|| How to get a nice ass ||

- 40 butt bridges

- 25 lying kick backs ( each side )

- 50 clam lifts ( each side )

- 20 forward kicks ( each side )

- 30 knee tucks ( each side )

repeat each 2-3 times ❤️