I Cried Today :( I Dont Get Why My Mother Has To Shout Shrilly At Me When She Knows I'm In A Hurry And

I just had my retest today and I would like to thank God , because I passed my retest. Thank you so much god for listening to me. I promise this session I am gonna aim for 96%. I am going to study consistently everyday. I am going to prove it to myself that I can do it. All the mistakes I made in 11th, I'm gonna correct them now. I would just like to retell myself that it's never too late to correct your mistakes or it's ever too late to start studying. You can do it. All the best

(And yes, I'll keep updating..)

I cried today.

I won't.....I would keep this to myself and pretend it is normal because honestly at this point it is normal for me to not tell anything to anyone. I try and share so minuscule things of my everyday life to my friends to make sure that I never share the actual important stuff of my life to them. i always feel there's a wall separating them from me because their parents are so lenient whereas my parents are very strict.

How do I explain this desire to no longer explain anything to anyone?

DATE : 13-3-25

Aim: IIT Bombay,CS

5/100 So I didn't post anything for the last two days cuz I was exhausted. But anyways yesterday was my last exam and yesterday I also went to my coaching so it was a hectic day. Now even though my school exams are over, I still have my coaching's reshuffling test to worry about and I really need to study properly or else I'll remain behind. I have 11 more days. and it's not even full uninterrupted 11days, no, Holi is day after tomorrow. I have school and coaching both in between and and I have just started with the syllabus, I have to cover everything from scratch cuz I wasted most of my 11th but it changes now. Anyways enough of my ramblings. hours studied on ypt today:

I started a productivity challenge for myself a few days ago....I was barely conpleting it. Only able to tick off 1 item off my to do list. I was still procrastinating watching tv shows, reading fanfictions, daydreaming. I still started this challenge of productivity, I was falsely trying to convince myself that I'll make it, that atleast I started with baby steps such as thinking about this, then posting the first 3 days of it on tumblr. But the real reason that I did this was because I was afraid I was gonna fail my physics exam. This was the fear inside me that I was trying to hide from myself and the people around me. And that is exactly what happened to me, I failed my physics exam and you wanna know the worst part? I kind of don't really care. And my parents didn't care either. Not in the way that you're thinking but last year in 10th grade, I was always being pushed to do best and my mom did so much for me, she used to teach me but since 11th I've heard it from so many people that 11th goes bad for every pcm kid and everyone suffers a downfall from 10th to 11th. But I literally failed. I went from getting atleast 95% to not even passing. That's how low I have fallen and i haven't cried yet. I feel like since I've been exposed to too many people saying that bad grades are literally a cannon event in 11th, I've grown numb to getting low score. Even though I'm realising this and writing it out, I'm still not feeling the sadness and the determination I know I would have felt in 10th and this is so sad. It is so disheartening. And tbh I'm clueless on how to study now. I have 2 days for the retest. A part of me is still sad about the indifference and the lack of emotion I'm showing regarding this.

I know it's very wrong that I failed physics and had yo give a retest and I know last year I didn't study at all. I know it's my mistake but really mom? Do you think screaming at me about it 24/7 would help? I love how you easily give up and think I can't do it. And when you say that again and again, in doing nothing but cursing you in mind and it's not something I want to do. You're my mom but I have kind of lost respect for you, the only reason I act a little respectfully is because I feel obliged to return something in return because it was you who shaped me into the person I am today and honestly I'm proud of myself for my EQ. Yes I know it's wrong for me to be distracted the whole year to the point where I failed a subject but honestly what I am telling myself is that I gained an experience, a bad one, something I don't want to repeat ever again but it's just an experience, it was just one phase on my life. I'm not gonna let that define my whole life, I am sure I am not a failure because I haven't given up and I have moved on to start with the new session already, sure my last session was a mess but I'll do better. I'll make it better. I'm not just gonna stop and give up because I didn't achieve the model grades. That's so stupid and dumb.

lately I've been putting off so much work and I am getting so irritated. rn also I am writing this when i should be preparing for my tution test. hoepfully i get good marks.

🫶🏻🫶🏻

Do not be afraid to speak up and take up space, babe. 💞

I need to study because I want to get in the best college/ university so that I can get good placement and starting package can be good also to have sophisticated and quality education compared to the rest of the people. I really want to be the girl who would make it above average. I want to be that girl who is disgustingly overeducated so that the second anyone has a question I am the first person they turn to and I am able to answer that question surely without a doubt on myself or my answer. I want to be appreciated and known for my knowledge because that is also the one thing that no one could ever take from me. tbh i just want to be that person which other parents use an example infront of their kids.(I swear this is the Indian in me)

For the past few years I've always cried alone, in my bathroom to be specific. I cry alone not because I feel ashamed of being vulnerable in front of others but because I know that later on they would bring it up probably to mock me or gossip about it to the neighbours thinking it's funny. It's not, it really stings okay..... if only moms could understand this.