Today Was My Result Day And I Got 64%....never In My Entire Life Have I Gotten Less Than 90. But This

I started a productivity challenge for myself a few days ago....I was barely conpleting it. Only able to tick off 1 item off my to do list. I was still procrastinating watching tv shows, reading fanfictions, daydreaming. I still started this challenge of productivity, I was falsely trying to convince myself that I'll make it, that atleast I started with baby steps such as thinking about this, then posting the first 3 days of it on tumblr. But the real reason that I did this was because I was afraid I was gonna fail my physics exam. This was the fear inside me that I was trying to hide from myself and the people around me. And that is exactly what happened to me, I failed my physics exam and you wanna know the worst part? I kind of don't really care. And my parents didn't care either. Not in the way that you're thinking but last year in 10th grade, I was always being pushed to do best and my mom did so much for me, she used to teach me but since 11th I've heard it from so many people that 11th goes bad for every pcm kid and everyone suffers a downfall from 10th to 11th. But I literally failed. I went from getting atleast 95% to not even passing. That's how low I have fallen and i haven't cried yet. I feel like since I've been exposed to too many people saying that bad grades are literally a cannon event in 11th, I've grown numb to getting low score. Even though I'm realising this and writing it out, I'm still not feeling the sadness and the determination I know I would have felt in 10th and this is so sad. It is so disheartening. And tbh I'm clueless on how to study now. I have 2 days for the retest. A part of me is still sad about the indifference and the lack of emotion I'm showing regarding this.

Give up your bad habits and do atleast one thing better than yesterday, improve yourself day by day, don’t ponder much on people’s thought and comments they don’t even know the tip of your inner self. They might know some sides which your parents don’t but realize that they still don’t really know who you actually are, so their judgements are not applicable to you. Just go and become better than yesterday,, DO better than yesterday. This is YOUR success, No one, not even your parents will care that much, You have to take care and pain for your success, No one will give a shit. It is your life, Your goals are something no one would understand not even your parents, your definition of success is different than everybody’s so take care, take pain

Just a reminder to all the people self sabotaging themselves

Growing up is actually all about realizing people don’t inherently dislike you and it’s a bit odd to assume they do

I'll be honest I am an absent friend like I would go out of my way to make you feel happy and I would definitely take your side when you're venting about someone else to me but I just tend to live in my own world and suck at keeping up the communication regular but if you with or without any reason start ignoring me and then drop obvious clues that you're ignoring me.....I'm sorry but you've lost me as your friend

If you think you can control me by ignoring me and I would ask you what happened you're wrong. This is a manipulation and I am not falling for it

Not to get too deep on my first post but did anyone else have such deeply rooted issues with their self worth for so long that they thought as a teen that their only redeeming feature was being "low maintenance" and now you give yourself guilt pangs asking for any more than the barest minimum in virtually any relationship because asking for things might negate your good quality which is" doesn't ask for things"

If you're friends with a judgemental person you'll truly fear being yourself...

I read this in a tumblr post and I can relate to this. My friend was so smart(she still is) she was good at studies and at playing piano and whenever I used to go with her to learn to play piano I used to feel so inferior because she used to judge me unashamedly infront of me and laugh at the smallest of my mistakes. She was my best friend and I could never connect with her on a personal level. Never. she had confessed many things to me and i had always helped her but i never really confessed any of my fear or my core problems . I really felt inferior subtly always and when it used to be very profound I used to fight back but it always used to go to the previous way of her always making me feel subtly inferior .

Today she ignored me cuz I spent time with one of my other friend instead of her and honestly even though her advices were great and that she was smart I am just done going back to her and give her reasons on why I spent time with that friend instead of her.

Like we were friends no not just friends but best friends for 3 years but I can not just let her lord over me. I am already trying to cope up with my increasing backlogs . I really don't want to deal with her. If she wants to ignore then it's fine I'm ignoring her back. I don't have to deal with her it's my choice.

I know I'll miss her but I'll never regret this decision cuz she cant manipulate me by ignoring me and I know even if I still go back to her I'll feel inferior to her and I dont want to experience that.

I won't.....I would keep this to myself and pretend it is normal because honestly at this point it is normal for me to not tell anything to anyone. I try and share so minuscule things of my everyday life to my friends to make sure that I never share the actual important stuff of my life to them. i always feel there's a wall separating them from me because their parents are so lenient whereas my parents are very strict.

How do I explain this desire to no longer explain anything to anyone?

I really really regret all m mistakes last year....all I needed was someone to help me out .....all I needed was a hug ......all I really needed was someone to listen to me without judging and to explain things that are common sense for people. I know I can still do it though but I'm still alone. I feel like im always alone

If only my mom could understand this....she needs to stop comparing my worth according to my marks

“you were supposed to be loved in your being, not in your performance.”

I don't know what — I..,,well

Its 12:55am and I'll study as if my exam is tomorrow...I'll update you on how it goes