Let’s Play, “was I Abused” Game! Reblog And Bold The Things Your Parents Have Done To You! Italicize

+20lbs and no relapses in 11 months. Bye bye anorexia, you’re canceled. 💅❤

i.

The light in your eyes is not the street lamp that will guide me home. All of my friends tell me I make decisions too quickly for my own good, leave people too soon, but I’ve always believed love isn’t a sensation you can think through. You only feel it or you don’t. It’s either there or it’s not, it either exists like a fire in the darkest night your eyes have ever seen or never alighted at all. I’ve tried to run from that truth, I’ve tried to bury myself in arms that felt more like coffins than they did bedsheets. I tried to suffocate so you can breathe, I tried to drown myself because the you wanted me to become a part of your ocean so badly and I could never tell you “no”. I tried. And I tried. And I tried. But everything inside of me yearns for something more. Maybe there is so much darkness inside of me that I crave for the brightest of fires, something that will tear the fabric of my soul apart, but deep down I know you never managed as more than a flicker within me— not because you weren’t enough, but because you believed loving me was a habit instead of a revolution.

ii.

I am so much more than a “good morning” text or compliments I could find on Instagram posts. I am so much more than what you thought I needed to remain comfortable. Fuck, love is so much more than remaining comfortable. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what love is supposed to feel like, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like being trapped. Deep down, I know I am meant for something greater than affection that reeks of routine and the fear that I’ll never find anything better. Love isn’t supposed to be a chore. Love isn’t supposed to feel like passing the time. Love isn’t supposed to be mediocre. Life is too short, too full, too beautiful to be populated by regular love and lovers who cannot understand that affection is more of a revolution than an emotion. I am sorry if I am asking for too much, but I would kill myself before I allow the fires that reside within me to slowly dim in light of an affection that never burned bright enough. I’m sorry women like me don’t come with warning signs, but I pray someday someone will fall in love with me due to the flames alone.

— ap (12.18) loving me was a revolution but you never learned how to handle fire

Something people don’t understand about child abuse

One of the things that I really hate is that people don’t understand that survivors act differently and respond to their traumas in different ways.

I’m a survivor of csa and so is my friend. Her trauma made her extremely hypersexual while I could literally cry if someone even touched me.

My bf is a survivor of csa, I can talk for hours about my trauma if I felt safe enough while he NEVER brings it up.

A friend of mine is a survivor of emotional abuse and so am I. Her trauma made her angry while mine made me soft and defenseless.

My bf remembers every little detail about his trauma, while I repressed most of my childhood and traumas.

There’s no special “criteria” that you should fill in order to be a “valid” survivor, and there’s no specific way you should act if you were abused.

People respond to their traumas differently and it’s okay, your abuse is STILL valid no matter how you respond to it.

signs that your family is abusive:

you feel the urge to hide from them whenever you’re vulnerable

you cannot bear the idea of them seeing you cry

when you’re hurt or in pain, you don’t go to them because you feel they’ll tell you that you deserved it or that it was your fault

you don’t feel like you can confide in them, either because they don’t seem to care, or try to control how you act, or yell at you and punish you, or use the information against you

you feel very self-conscious around them and keep expecting criticism and insults

you can’t tell them about your struggles because you already know they’ll side against you

you keep things in your life secret from them because you have a feeling they would ridicule, humiliate, and judge you if they knew, or take everything away from you

you feel scared of letting them know when they hurt you

you feel scared and guilty when you so much as think about them in a bad way

you feel the urge to remind yourself of all the things they did for you, whenever something bad comes up, to be sure that you’re seeing them the way they want to be seen by you

you’re scared of being accused of being a burden to them

you’re scared to hold them responsible for things they did to you, because you know they would argue otherwise, and insist they had full right to do what they did, or that you made it up

you have the inner sense of dread that nothing you ever do or say will be taken seriously by them, and your life will always look like a joke to them

you dream of living far away from them and feel guilty for wanting to cut them from your life

you don’t feel like you’re really important in comparison to them, it feels like it’s better to just step aside and let them be important, your life doesn’t matter as much anyway

you’re worried about how your every action might affect their life, their reputation and social standing

you feel that they’re ashamed of you and you’re trying your best not to bring further shame on the family

you feel like you’ll owe them for the rest of your life and nothing you ever do will be enough to erase the debt, and this fills you with dread and feeling of being trapped

you don’t count on their help when you’re in trouble, you’re scared of them finding out and punishing you for being in trouble in the first place

you don’t count on them sharing their resources with you, you know you have to be grateful for how much they’ve given you already and feel like you have no right to ask for anything more, even if you need it

you can’t feel warmth or safety when surrounded by family, instead you wish you didn’t have to be there, and seek a place to hide and protect yourself

holidays spent with family are just painful and something you try to endure instead of enjoy

you can’t imagine a world where you’re free and not defined by these people

reminder that many abuse victims get triggered by anger, whether it’s directed at them or not. please be mindful of your actions

I want you to understand how chaotic, loud and inhuman my brain is,

But my darling, I wouldn't want to make you feel so insane.

“Of course I knew. But it was my mind that knew, and it was my heart that was making the decisions.”

— Poetry At Most

“Now I know I’ve got a heart because it is breaking.”

—

L. Frank Baum

“He’s just a beautiful boy with a beautiful soul. And I love him.”

—

I’m not into perfect gym butts

I’m not into big perky boobs

I’m not into five meals a day

I’m into green tea

I’m into rib bones

I’m into pale face and eye bags

Anyone out there feeling the same way?