I Shed My Skin Not Just For The Change, But So I Can Breathe Again. I Needed To Escape, To Feel Good

It's okay if it takes a little longer than you thought.

365, or: how things can change

i hit my one year duolingo streak today

one year ago, he would have been the first person i told

one year ago, i was mostly stable

one year ago i thought that i was at my peak, that things could not possibly get any better

well they certainly got a lot worse

one year ago i barely knew her

one year ago i barely knew myself

365 on duolingo

what will happen when i hit 730

time wasnt right

there is dust

in my childhood bedroom

cobwebs span the corners

reaching out

to touch

the abandoned walls

everything is covered in dust

my books

my floor

my collections, long since abandoned

touch anything and you'll

come away

with gray residue

reminiscent of a life once lived

only

i am still here

living

right?

or am i, too

covered in dust

a relic

of a former girl

this isnt how life is supposed to be

“I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.”

— Paulo Coelho

Nectar

wasted hours chasing childhood dreams

my teen ambition devouring me whole

all the pointless tears, the pointless delusions

maybe I’m not special

perhaps my personality is disordered

that’s what they say anyway

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am seven

and my reply is

pink

because i am a girl

and pink

is a princess color.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am ten

and i like

green

because a boy told me that pink

is lame and girly.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am thirteen

and i tell them

purple

it is unique and spunky

like i want to be.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am seventeen

and i just say

red

i do not say

it is bright and angry at the world

as i am

i cannot form the words to express

all of my frustrations

so i paint my lips with

rage.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am twenty

and it’s pink

i remember the joy

of being a child

i reclaim the freedom

of femininity

because i cannot remember

what my shoulders felt like

before the depression

hung from them.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am twenty-six

and my answer is

brown

it confuses most people

they don’t see it

they may think of dirt

and dust

and dead things

but it is coffee with friends

and the chocolate chip cookies

my mom used to make.

it is my hair

and my eyes

amber and gold

in the sun

and i love myself

again

i am terrified that

if i start loving her

i will never be able to

feel anything else again.

to be swallowed whole

by something so profound—

i'm not sure i would be

strong enough to survive

the tide that followed.

i would spend the rest of my life

trying to cough her out of my lungs.

-mars

trying to think of something to say

for international lesbian day of visibility

i love women

happy lesbian day :) <3

energy

sometimes i let myself believe i could be an extrovert

i woke up this morning with so many spoons

i replied to texts on time

i replied to texts

instead of just reading or liking or hearting or saying i would get to them later

and then my best friend

(don't get me wrong

i love him

i do)

threw me a surprise party

and when i got home

all i could do was scroll

and now im going to bed

because i have no more energy

introvert, after all

soldier, poet, king

i took the soldier, poet, king test

i got king

of course i got king

what else was i possibly expecting

when has my life ever not been a burden for me to bear

a weight placed on my shoulders

"a natural leader" they called me as if they did not make me this way

forged me to be independent (quiet) and strong (afraid to ask for help) and a leader (needing to take charge because things are easier if

i

do

them

myself)

kings are the gifted children

i was so far ahead they didn't know what to do with me

and now i'm average

and it hurts

Duty. Strength. Resignation.

when did i stop doing things for the love of them

when did life become a chore

when did everything become a routine to follow before i could be done

when did i start hating everything i did

when did i become the king

was i always the king?

they ruined me

they turned me into this

this is their fault

and now i'm the king

yes, king.

always king.

it was never going to be different.

and i'll take the crown

and live with it

and wish

maybe

i could be the poet instead