I Am Asked About My Favorite Color.

things you don't do for a girl you're "just friends" with:

walk her anywhere she wants to go, even when it's cold and wet outside and all you want is to be inside

be jealous when she brings up a boy you know she used to have a crush on (especially since you're pretty sure she's over him)

get butterflies whenever she moves her chair closer to yours

smile when you see her name on your phone (and refuse to remove the hearts you put on her contact when you had a crush on her, even though you're totally over it)

stay up way later than you meant to just to text her because as soon as you go to bed it's over

and you definitely, definitely dont want to kiss her. not the girl you're just friends with. not the girl you say you're over

personality

who would i be

if you took me apart

stripped me down to my bones

and then polished them until they gleamed

what would be running through my veins?

a hint of humor, a glimpse of girlhood

who would i be if you took out my brain

who am i if i'm not smart

an overachiever

always looking for some way to get ahead

if you dissected my heart, what would exist there?

am i anything at all?

i used to have a personality

i think

but now i am just a hollow shell of a person

it's what tiredness does to a person

stripped out my essence like the machine in fahrenheit 451 replaced mildred's bloods

see

see how i can't even write without hints of my schooling sneaking in

what have i ever been if not smart

and who will i be

when even that

is taken away

At times

I am ashamed

Of how messy I am

Of how broken I am

Of how much I need

And want

And scream

Into voids of people

That don’t seem to care

And despite increasing

Self-awareness

I appear unable to stop

This pattern

Of continuous unraveling

Of traveling a hundred

Different roads

Desperately

And aimlessly

All to wind up at

The same dead end

At this point, I can no longer deny that the only common thread Is me

tsunami

what is a crush?

it is searching for your initial on those

"interact to claim" posts

it is thinking of your name

every time someone mentions a crush

it is looking at you

just to look

i cant help it that you're pretty

it is making you laugh and then

saying more things to make you laugh more

amid the ache in my stomach knowing

you dont feel the same way

it is promising myself

that i wouldnt write poetry about you

but here i am

with a poem

it is the ocean going out

so slowly that you dont realize

until you are standing

and a wave looms large

and you cannot help

but be swallowed

by the sea

you want them to text back but that's anxious attachment isn't it. it's just that you can feel on the wind when you're not wanted anymore. when they've fallen out of love in any small part of their marrow. you have a hawk's eye for disharmony. you can tell when she has begun packing her things.

don't be annoying. you want to write: i have never experienced unconditional love as an explanation but isn't that pathetic. in adulthood all love is conditional and it should be. you've been to too much therapy. touch grass. how sappy can you be.

but they don't reach for your hand while they're driving. they forget to ask you how you're doing. the call times no longer read 12:34:19. they're 30 minutes and perfunctory before she says baby please, i'm tired. i need to go to sleep. where in her life do you fit. why is it that you never fit into anyone's life very long. oblong creature with so many needs, spilling up and out and over everything. it's a fucking shame the first time she said she loved you it was for your independence. and now look at you.

hollow pit in your stomach, body shaking. fuck, not again. you're not going to ruin another relationship like this, codependent and toxic, spiraling. and in the other half of your brain: if that's your wife, wouldn't she want to hear it? wouldn't it be fine? wouldn't she just comfort you and you can both move on and nobody dies?

but you're crowding her! read another instagram Positive Vibes Only type of post that talks about calming your heart and your brain and your body. try to sit in silence. the thing is that you do have a life outside of her, remember? go back to it.

great news, your parents fucked you up and now you have no idea how to deal with love. you just keep wanting to be chosen. to be real to someone, all the way through. real and kept. held closely. seen as precious to somebody. why even is that? didn't you always swear that people can and should complete themselves? why are you so constantly driven to beg for love, doglike and barking?

it's just the tiny things. it's just that you have to weigh every silence and sentence like bricks on an exposed belly. you have no idea how to shut it off. every alarm bell in your body saying: this isn't safe. start scrambling. she's already going.

sunflower hymn

a head above the rest,

so turned to face her rays

all golden drenched, aglow,

enrobed in joyous solar waves

you stand so proud! aloud

and bold, your pollen flows

like liquid gold! not sold, but

ever on the bees have sole

laid claim upon your lovely.

faces brimming, young

and tender, won't you

sing of lovers won?

won't you dream of

what's been done?

in youth's most daring

feats, some yet to come?

bitter without the sweet

you are the aftertaste of what

could've been a sweet memory,

and i think i’m the only one who 

still savors every sweet moment 

despite the acrid words you left me with.

~K.T.

It's okay if it takes a little longer than you thought.

a 1000 miles away

i miss breathing the same

air as you, but i know you

are farther in mind than 

distance. 

~K.T.

Maturity is not seeking revenge. It's healing and moving on, so you don’t become like the people who traumatized you.