Btw If You Can't, Won't, Or Don't Want To Brush Your Teeth For Any Reason, I Extremely Strongly Recommend

hey, disabled person! do you feel tired all the time? do you feel like you’re working twice as hard as abled people for half the outcome? do you take longer to do every single little thing than an abled person would see as reasonable? well. I would like to introduce you to the concept of crip labour (I first came across this in Smilges, 2023 but I cannot verify whether they came up with the term)

crip labour is a term to describe all the extra work disabled people do on a day-to-day basis. it’s also a form of labour that is invisible to abled people, because they just don’t have to think about most of it. it includes:

the extra labour required to get ready to leave the house in the morning (e.g. the extra steps involved in getting dressed or having a shower)

the social labour required in order to communicate your needs to abled people

the labour involved in having to plan ahead (e.g. knowing where accessible toilets are, knowing where ramp access is, knowing which venues are safe for you to be in)

the administrative labour involved in gaining access to particular institutions (e.g. applying for disability welfare, applying for education access plans, etc)

having a term to describe all the labour involved in keeping yourself alive and happy helps to make that labour more visible. it gives us a way to point out that we are doing more and with less capacity, and it helps to explain why so many of us are so exhausted all the goddamn time

so I hope this is a helpful term for people to bring into their lives!

I want to break down a common point of conflict when addressing NPD stigma.

A lot of hangups people have tend to be along the lines of "but I DO see a lot of people with actual NPD who are acting in toxic or abusive ways".

This will be kind of long, so bear with me.

Point #1: People are way more likely to be diagnosed if they exhibit "stereotypical" symptoms.

There's this image of NPD as a disorder that is only present in those with patterns of destructive behavior towards others. Many therapists have this conception. (Shockingly, the mental health field is not perfect & without stigma.)

Gonna copy-paste this here from my other blog (so forgive me if you've seen it before), because it's a good example.

Three people are criticized at work. Their boss yells at them for their performance in front of everyone. Person A gets mad and defensive. They yell back, using cutting remarks as a way to try and ease the distress they feel. Person B acts really mature and responsible the whole time, nodding along and agreeing and promising to do better, just desperate to maintain and improve their status. Desperate to be liked. Later they go home and handle their distress through self-destructive means, and spend the next few months overworking themself to the point of illness. Person C doesn't seem to respond much at all. They go quiet and seem distant. They don't lash out or lash in, but for the next month or so, their productivity drops. They simply aren't able to focus on work or self-care, no matter how hard they try. The stress is overwhelming. All three of these people have the same root issues, but only the first would be labeled a narcissist. Outwards behaviors and presentations don't reflect the pain, distress, and difficulties with life that are underlying them.

So, three main things happen.

There ends up being a higher rate of people with destructive behaviors who are diagnosed with NPD

The people who don't particularly exhibit behaviors and are considered ""too nice to have it"" are overlooked entirely (and never get any sort of help for their underlying issues, yayyy)

People are more likely to be more honest about "ugly" symptoms / symptoms that are frowned down upon than they are in other mental health communities.

(Also some people decide to act super edgy about it, which is annoying but here we are. Some of them are trolls.)

(And while I'm at it, some people are misdiagnosed with NPD because a psych sees someone who committed a violent crime and is like "uhh slap them with the Evil Asshole™ disorders!! no further thought given.")

Point #2: People who have messed up are not inhuman monsters who deserve no help or support

While I do think it's important for people to understand that patterns of toxic behaviors aren't the ONLY way NPD can present, I'm not going to let the conversation stop at "some of us are nice though!!"

Human beings aren't RPG characters who can be sorted into "monster" or "ally". Every single person has done something hurtful, has messed up, exhibits some sort of behavior that puts strain on their relationships sometimes.

So I'll bullet point some aspects of this that need to be talked about.

People without NPD also commonly exhibit toxic behaviors, but people ignore that nowadays. Either they armchair diagnose anyone who's slightly rude, or they only focus on it in pwNPD and ignore it in themselves or others. NTs can be jerks too, and they're probably less likely to acknowledge it than pwNPD who are constantly watching and checking themselves and analyzing their behaviors and attempting to do better.

Assuming that NPD makes someone abusive doesn't help anyone. Can it impact behaviors, and make it more difficult for people to be self-aware? Of course. But an important step in healing from any mental health condition (especially personality disorders, ime) is realizing that you're not inherently ""bad"", and that you can take responsibility for your actions and learn to deal with things in constructive ways. Just going "NPD makes people bad, full stop"- other than being a mean shitty thing to say- absolves people of guilt and asserts that there's no reason for them to try and improve.

Yes, it's okay for people to hate their abusers. Their abuser. Not an entire community of people who happen to (maybe) share a trait with them.

Building on the above point, people tend to go in defense mode when they hear things like "pwNPD who have acted in toxic ways can learn to improve their behavior", "people shouldn't be saying awful things about folks with this condition", etc. because they automatically try to apply this to their abuser. Interpersonal situations are very different from society-wide mental health access. No, don't stay with your abuser expecting them to change, and don't hold onto the hope that they will. No, don't censor yourself or your hatred or anger towards them. Just don't make blanket statements about a disorder that they may or may not have- blame their abusive actions, not their mental health.

"I hate you for your abusive actions and the harm that you caused me." =/= "I hate a group of people because of an inherent unchangeable part of them that's tied directly to severe childhood trauma they suffered. Because of it, they're evil and unlovable and are incapable of change. They're inhuman and will never experience real connection with others." ..........See the difference??

Even if there were a disorder with a 100% rate of toxic douchey behaviors, I'd want the conversation around it to be changed. I'd want different words to be used to divide up the spaces and conversations and resources, so that survivors of abusive or toxic behavior can get help, but that the disorder still has space to be treated. Otherwise, there are zero resources for healing. Nothing is being done to help these people or solve the issue. They're just told they may as well not try. They're blocked from healthcare entirely, despite how the entire point of being diagnosed with a condition is supposed to be to treat it.

There's a wide range of people who have NPD- it presents in many different ways, a person who has it may or may not exhibit harmful behaviors- but no one deserves to be denied treatment or told they're unlovable because of a condition they have that was formed from trauma.

Speak out against abusive behavior. Don't destroy healthcare for a medical condition.

shoutout to autistic people who have memory issues and can't remember many things about your special interests. you don't need to be able to remember things for the interests to be valid or important to you! if you enjoy them that's what matters

Autism acceptance includes accepting all autistic manners of communication.

That means supporting autistic people who talk in a "very childish" way. (I do this a lot irl)

Autistic people who do "TV talking" (this means talking like a character from your favorite media,basically talking in quotes and copying their speech patterns,as far as I know)

Autistic people who use echolia.

Autistic people who are very awkward/quirky when they communicate.

Autistic people who are overly technical,or have very sophisticated and articulate speech.

Autistic people who mumble.

Autistic people who talk really fast.

Autistic people who can't control their tone of voice/inflection.

Autistic people who talk in a monotone voice.

Autistic people who use different kind of sounds,or body language to communicate.

Autistic people who talk slowly and draw out their syllables.

Autistic people who use a lot of sentance fillers.

Autistic people who use Aac devices,communication cards,etc etc.

Edit: acceptance of nonverbal autistics is also necessary. Nonverbal people deserve love,respect,acceptance,accommodation and support.

Happy disability pride month to:

Physically disabled people

Mentally ill people

Mentally disabled people

Neurodivergent people

Psychotic people

Multiply disabled people

Visibly disabled people

Invisibly disabled people

Mobility aid users

People with chronic pain

People with chronic fatigue

People with neurodevelopmental disabilities

People with neurocognitive disabilities

People with intellectual disability

People with neurogenic disability

People with cognitive disability

People with motor disorders

People with rare disabilities

People with common disabilities

People who were born with disability

People who acquired a disability/disorder later in life

People with bodily differences

Nonverbal people

Semiverbal people

People who experience speech lose

AAC users

People with ‘gross’ symptoms

People with sensory disabilities

People who aren’t sure if they are disabled

Disabled people who don’t know they are disabled

Disabled people who want treatment

Disabled people who do not want treatment

Disabled people with disorders that ‘don’t match’ their assigned gender

Zebras

Spoonies

Cripples

Happy Disability Pride Month to all disabled people!

May your tomorrow be kinder than today.

its rather annoying to me how its so normal to demonize people that get angry and bitter because of trauma instead of sad. its such a normal reaction to get angry because something bad happens to you but theres so many people that have such tight views of "good victims" that you have anything other than depression or anxiety or smth or turn bitter and theyre like. Your honor, kill them with rocks

narcissism/NPD recovery resources, because there’s like nothing good out there

Books and things to read:

Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations by Dr. Elinor Greenburg - Aimed at providers but apparently super great for self-help too

How Do You Develop Whole Object Relations as an Adult? by Dr. Elinor Greenburg - Tips on how to stop seeing yourself and other people as only either all-good or all-bad

10 Stages in the Treatment of Narcissistic Disorders by Dr. Elinor Greenburg - Goes through the stages of treating NPD

Rethinking Narcissism by Dr. Craig Malkin - A book about promoting healthy narcissism instead of unhealthy narcissism

Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders by Dr. Daniel Fox - what it says on the tin. May be best done guided by a therapist

Shame in patients with narcissistic personality disorder PDF - What it says on the tin.

Narcissus and the Daffodils - an essay about NPD by someone with NPD. Probably the best description I’ve ever seen

Things to watch and listen to:

Recovery FOR the Narcissist by Dr. Eric Perry - A compassionate podcast to provide insight, support, and encouragement to anyone who exhibits narcissistic tendencies. Very in-depth

Early Morning Barking - A YouTube channel by someone with BPD and NPD about coping with and educating people on BPD and NPD. He also has a Recovery from NPD by Dr. Todd Grande - A video about this provider’s experience with helping people recover from NPD

Misc:

Narcissism Self Help Therapy website - A daily program for people with NPD (may have some triggering aspects in Part 2 of the program)

NPD Safe carrd resources - More resources for NPD (I have not gone through all of these so I don’t know how good they are)

NPD Recovery Comics by The Ego System - A bunch of fantastic comics about recovering from NPD.

“If you have time to be on social media, you also have time for…” “If you have time to watch Netflix, you also have time for…” Yeah, but do I have the energy for it? Do I have the emotional and mental capacity for it? Am I pain-free enough for it? Can I focus on it? Can I do it without leaving my bed? Can I safely do it without risk of (physically or emotionally) injuring myself by pushing past my boundaries?

There are no disabilities which are raised above ableism. The person in the wheelchair, the autistic person, the person with schizophrenia and the person with an invisible chronic illness may all experience society's ableism in different ways, but none of them can expect to avoid it. So the "you wouldn't say X to Y" advocacy needs to retire yesterday. They say all kinds of ableist shit to all of us and it's time to try out some actual solidarity instead of arguing about who has it slightly worse

dear fellow career driven spoonie,

you’re not a failure, you’re sick.

you were putting just as much effort forward before you were sick as you are now, you just have less energy to use so the results aren’t as exciting. it’s not complacency if you’re putting forward an effort.

it’s normal for your work life to suffer when your personal life does. you’re not a robot, you’re still a person, it’s unrealistic of you to expect yourself to be able to compartmentalize your symptoms at work. your body doesn’t care where you are or who’s time you’re on and it’s okay.

if all you can do is maintain your responsibilities, that is enough. you are probably not going to get fired if all you’re doing is what’s on your job description. it’s okay that you can’t put anything extra forward to grow. you’re growing in other ways right now.

even if you lose your job, you’re still not a failure. you’re not defined by the fruits of your labor, but by the substance of your heart and you are still that same career driven person who worked so hard in that position in the first place.

the reason why you’re successful isn’t because of what you’ve done, but who you are. take pride in your talent, motivation, knowledge, intelligence, and grit. that’s where your value lies.