I Never Knew That Skipping Meals Was This Easy

what day even is it

poemy rant

Nobody ever called me fat. Nobody ever said there was something wrong with my body, ever.

Yet I am the one who chose to inflict this mentality upon myself. My stomach and thighs suddenly doubled in size one day when I realized most of my friends carried smaller bodies. They never had to think once about losing weight because they were already naturally gifted with those bodies. They didn't have to eat less or exercise. But most importantly, they were happy with what they had. They weren't miserable like me, wishing I could cut the fat off using my bare hands.

It makes me sad whenever I see them snacking or buying a whole box of donuts at the grocery store just because they feel like it. They don't think twice about the calories and how much they're allowed to eat for the rest of the day. They even mock me for checking the calories every time and warn me about how many I'm about to ingest if I take a bite out of an unhealthy snack. They've repeatedly told me they don't see anything wrong with my body and how they wish they had thighs like me because theirs are too thin.

So why do I feel like this? Where did this come from? When did having a flat stomach and stick legs become my goals?

Nothing ever feels good enough anymore. I look at the scale some mornings and bawl my eyes out because it's not the number I want to see, even though I'm technically underweight. But I don't feel like that at all. I'll consider myself underweight when there is no fat left to jiggle when I run, and no extra skin to pinch or poke at. When I'm running so low on energy I can feel my brain shutting off, my legs trembling and ultimately collapsing. I'll be on the ground, limp and exhausted as I fall into a deep sleep.

I'll be desolate, but I'll be thin. I'll be happy in a bikini just like my friends, proudly showing off the body I worked so hard for.

Hopefully.

my stomach is flat from being -ved but the bottom. it won’t fucking LEAVE

it’s like i can’t even wear a crop top bc it looks so off

okay so this is probs a bit tmi but does anyone else weigh themselves n4k3d?

i’ve heard that this is only a thing with ed’s. like for me, i have to weigh myself n4k3d bc i feel like clothes make the scale go higher and well my brain wants to see the lowest number possible.

because after every despicable action that i will commit i will still be holding onto my skinnyness to save me

house is full of food, so much fruit yet so much to eat before it goes rotten

and then they bought my fav sweets god is it hard to lock in 😭

nothing beats the humiliation you get when you thought you were skinny until coming to school and so many people are thinner than you

hey sweetie remember you are a full whole unique person outside of your ed and you are allowed to enjoy things even if you are “failing” at the ed

it must be so fun to not have an ed