Lately, I've Been Distracted With All Sorts Of Things-- I Want To Write, Animate, Code, Game-- Everything

UR SO CUTE I LOVE YOU MORE MWAH MWAH

Omg....

/silly <3<3

PFFF BAHHAHAA I REALLY NEED TO GET OFF THIS SITE AND FOCUS ON MY STUDIES

This made my day, thank you <3

Workload and toffee

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and not for any good reason, being entirely honest. Once summer school fizzled out of existence, the days have been blurring together; suddenly there’s only a week until real school starts up again.

I’ve been working a lot today, and, thanks to my unhealthy way of working for extended periods of time and not feeling any different than from lying in bed, am able to cram my entire online French summer course in the next five days. 

Although the work itself is mundane, taking a third-person view on the entire ordeal excites me. I’ve started to work like the kid I’ve always wanted to be: Hours at a desk, chewing gum or drinking genmatcha tea, sometimes picking up the phone and chatting while I work when one of my friends calls me. I’ve even found about 300 index cards to write down daily goals and to-do lists!

Feels weird to congratulate myself on this kind of work even though I don’t feel any different than when I’m not doing any work at all. It’s like this for pretty much all the work I do, which is confusing since it always takes me hours to start any tasks even though actually doing it is a walk in the park. I’ve heard that that’s a form of lingering depression, but being entirely honest, I don’t think I’m that depressed  anymore. And even if it is sticking around, I’ve already beaten it to the ground the first time. What’s another round than just adding to the pot?

I’ve really been feeling better as of today. Still not sure why. Maybe it’s because of the toffee I made for my sister and I yesterday? It’s so sweet and doesn’t go with my tea, but it’s just fine with my morning coffee. I guess I’ll get to the bottom of this soon. For now, it’s right around 03:00- so I probably have to sleep in order to continue grinding through my French course tomorrow.

Goodnight!!

<3 Caramel

Stress keeps ramping up no matter what I do and I'm getting really worried because I've had since pretty gross thoughts for the past monthish and they're not going away like I thought they would

Just the other day, my cousins painted my nails bc I was insecure about my hands- honestly, I don't deserve them, they're so sweet. Feels a little out of place, but it's alright. At first I was going to try to scrub them off, but it feels okay now.

Summer school honestly feels really polarizing right now, with my English class in the morning being basically free, and my afternoon math being almost four hours of nothing I understand. What's worse, my parents legitimately think something's wrong with me if I don't get an A in the more "academic" courses, like math and science. If I get a B, they might consider sending me to a shrink. Reality hit today, and I ended up silently crying in class. Sucks.

Math class consists of living off of straight copium and daydreaming about one day opening an imports store, so I'd suppose I'm not helping my case.

I'll get on it soon, I guess.

Sorry for the confusing post, I've been really stressed and remembered I haven't posted here for a while

Millionth time’s the charm!!

WOAH that was a weird time jump.

I’m gonna start working on myself again lol

It’s been too long and I don’t feel happy living like this so I’m going to start trying again!! Gotta work towards the life you want. Nothing comes for free, right?

I feel like I need that mindset that I see in disney movies and idol anime. Where do they get all their energy? Guess I’ll find out.

Late

I feel like it’s too late to accomplish much- I’m already too deep into my school year to turn around my bio grade, I’m already too old to have a completely new personality- I’m already too late to think that I can do everything I sset my heart to. I wish things worked out as wonderful as they do in the Disney movies, the novels, and the webcomics- but maybe I feel like I should wake up from my delusions?

Who knows. I’ts too late.

Caramel

So far so good

[2023-09-09]

It's my first week back at school and things are going amazingly! I'm on top of my work, extracurriculars, and have energy to do more and more each day.

Has some sort of magical spell been cast on me? It seems almost too good to be true. Things are just so wonderful as of late, and all this praise might end up going to my head if I'm not careful. As long as I continue having this motivation, things will end up fine, right?

In other news, a few of my friends have been telling me how I've been noticeably happier lately- which warms my heart. Things really are looking up!

Fresh air

I'm not sure if it's just the maturity and thoughts that come with growing up, but recently so much of my mind has been taken up with thoughts and plans for the future- finally being able to accomplish goals and dreams I've had forever. Opportunities opening up to fulfill empty wishes and feelings I've had for as long as I remember, and finally being old enough to work on them- yet somehow still young enough to keep my dreams alive. Feels like I've stepped above the clouds.

Is anyone else feeling like this? Is this how growing up feels like?

There's so much I want to do and so little time, but maybe I can prioritize and ration myself to each and every thing I'd like to accomplish, maybe I can live more than I've ever thought I could.

When I'm all old and grey, I'm going to miss this feeling of growing up. It's alright, though- I'll make sure to treasure it as it passes.

<3 Caramel

Omg yes it was!! Thank you for the latte silly ♡♡ it was sweet, like you!! (⁠´⁠ε⁠｀⁠ ⁠)

Yeah, I've been pretty busy — have a chemistry exam in about ten hours tonight, so hoping for the best on that one ... But once I'm through with it, there's only one more exam to go!!!

I'm so proud of you Pico, sorry I haven't been online lately but I just checked your blog today and saw the effort you've been putting in!! You've got this ୧⁠(⁠＾⁠ ⁠〰⁠ ⁠＾⁠) I'm here trying to get myself together too!!

Caramel!!!!(๑ > ᴗ < ๑)°ᡣ𐭩 . ° . !! Hiii how are ur studies going?? Hopefully u aren't pushing urself too hard<3<3

Oh my goodness, thank you for checking up on me!! I really appreciate it (⁠*⁠´⁠ω⁠｀⁠*⁠) ♡ Life has been crazy as of late, between school and family events and festivals... I'll post some photos of how things have been!

Thank you so much, by the way. I had no energy to post until I saw your message. I love you!!! How are you doing these days??

The dissonance of facing dreams

There’s something so desperately magical about knowing that soon, an old dream of yours is about to come true. For the longest time, I’ve wanted to live the clean and fresh life of “that asian kid“- the pocky-fueled, day-planning, goldfish-having kid with a metric ton of cute clothing and a futon in their room- not to mention, high As in every class.

And recently, I’ve been getting closer to that dream than I ever thought I could- I’ve had to pay for my own clothes, work my own job, and clean up my room- stained with the years of a depressing, apathetic, indifferent personality. But impossibly, everything started to fall into place. I finally scrapped up enough energy to get up and clean, start to integrate myself into my new personality, start to see my dream come true- and it felt enchanting.

It didn’t feel real. 

Is this me?

Did I work hard enough?

Am I dreaming?

My body no longer feels like some costume I couldn’t take off, I no longer see a stranger when I look into the mirror. I take care of myself. It feels so real, yet so unreal. I feel like I’m the one moving my arms. This couldn’t have happened, but it’s happening? I’m not there yet, but I can tell- there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can already feel the sun on my face, and the breeze by my ear.

Hey, old me- can you see me now? If I could cry, I think I would. I’m about to live a life I wouldn’t have dared to dream up when I was younger. I think, maybe, I’m about to become someone I’ve always wanted to be? 

If I’m dreaming, I wish I could stay asleep forever. The rest of the world can wait.

<3