I’ve Been More Clearheaded Lately. I’ve Been Entertaining The Idea That Perhaps, Actually, I Am Just

I can’t wait for your guy self to win. Do you think it’ll be long before it happens?

At the moment I’m the girl self so I can say something from kind of a different angle.

When I want to be a guy I take a lot of steps towards masculinization and try to sabotage my “girl self”

When I’m a girl I never really get more feminine. I never try to fix things. In fact I still engage in this detrans stuff.

It’s like… I’m just genuinely not in the mindset of BEING a girl ever anymore. A lot of the time I WANT to be a girl, like I used to be, but I’m just… not one. If I try to be all feminine it feels like I’m faking it. Like I’m crossdressing. I want so badly to go back to feeling comfortable as a girl, I just can’t seem to anymore.

So to answer your question, I’m not sure it will be long.

chat am i a boy?

I will never send a picture of myself on this blog ever but believe me when I assure you that I look unambiguously female in every way outside of the dumb thing between my legs, and that was kind of the case even before I started hrt. This kink has so many layers to me and one of the big ones is like… i haven’t really been male since before I started puberty??

I really am kind of done with this kink at this point. I’m still getting off to it I just think any genuine desire to be male is kind of gone at this point. All it took was me looking at some nude pics from before I shaved my head and really taking in like… yeah, that’s transition goals. I achieved it. I’d be an idiot to give that up.

So I am definitely going through with bottom surgery :)

It’s in 12 months!!!

I’m actively hurting myself and making bad decisions in order to hurt myself and I have literally no one to talk to and I’m just losing it and I made so so so many bad decisions last night and this just feels like a breaking point for me idk I just can’t keep doing this I can’t even function. I have literally no one I feel like I can talk to about this and I’m just losing it. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this bad before and the idea of that alone really sucks.

this is a cry for help please help me

this means fakeboys!!!

I’m sorry for my strange behavior.

For anyone wondering, I am not okay.

My problems are a lot to unpack and I know I’m supposed to just be horny on here.

For anyone wondering the nature of my problems does actually indicate that maybe detrans is actually an option.

I feel like I don’t really have an actual personality or identity, I just always try to become someone else.

It’s entirely possible that’s the only reason I wanted to be a girl in the first place. I just wanted to be someone else.

rn I’m in between identities. I feel like I want to craft a definitive, ideal, permanent self to strive towards. I don’t know what the nature of this self should be. Even then I’m still just creating a character and filling a role, which I have done in the past. All I know how to do is play a character. I have no idea how to be my own person.

Should I actually be a guy maybe? I mean that would be easier. I think I do genuinely prefer being a girl but that isn’t easy. i don’t knowwwww ahhhhhh!!!

This whole thing is making me doubt even my name, which I changed 4 years ago. I only did that to try to become someone else. idk if that’s healthy. i dunno.

I can only think of this in the context of creating a new fictional character to become, I have no idea how to just be my own person.

I need help.

changed my username from cis-man-echo to boymoder-echo to better reflect my status as a cute boy that shouldn’t even bother trying to be a girl.

Just realized I refilled my pill organizer for the week and it didn’t even occur to me to put hrt in there. I’m used to being off of it now, it didn’t even register as an option. I have a huge stockpile of spiro and estradiol pills piling up.

Huge points to anyone willing to try to convince me to poor water in those pill bottles and ruin them <3

Seriously come in my dms and manipulate me into doing that pleeeease. that sounds so hot.

13, 15, 17?

I’ll do the two less interesting ones first.

13 was something like “at what size can you not fit into panties” and idk I don’t think it has anything to do with my genitals, just the width of my hips. I can always just tuck.

17 was something like “what was the last girl you rated out of 10” uhhh i did that in literally my last reblog.

15 is the interesting one: How did girls in my school perceive me? Basically eccentric, autistic, sexually ambiguous theater kid. I wasn’t actually in theater anymore by the time I got to high school because I did pre-recorded productions so I guess technically i was a film kid? But same vibes. I’m autistic but like the type of autistic where I’m not just sociable but like, i dunno, people are kind of drawn to me. I’m good at working a crowd and networking and all that stuff but also I was seen as kind of weird because I was probably a little *too* charismatic sometimes. Also I had pretty bad mental health issues and everyone knew that so I think if anything a lot of people just felt sorry for me. I did have a girlfriend late in high school. I broke up with her because I figured I was asexual. Chat do you think I’m asexual? Oh also as I have mentioned before I was kind of like, half out of the closet that I was trans and that I’m intersex. I was pretty androgynous and towards the start of high school I was pretty openly a girl and had long hair and stuff but I think a lot of people still thought I was a boy, then roughly age 15-19 I tried way too hard to be male and it probably didn’t work. My voice has never been unambiguously male, and I don’t sound like a guy at all nowadays, but idk how people saw it back then. Probably a lot of people assumed i was gay. I wasn’t. Or at least not mlm, maybe I’m technically a lesbian.

I guess I’m sorry for a while now this blog has been less detrans kink and more detrans self-exploration. That’s maybe not what you’re here for. I think most likely I am gender fluid but I don’t know if maybe that’s just a step on a larger path towards being 100% male. After all I used to be very binary female and now I’m kinda 50/50 so it’s clearly trending in a male direction. I don’t think I *like* that exactly. I kind of detest the idea of becoming male. I’ve toyed with the idea of listening to sissy or bimbo hypnosis to reinforce my girliness.

This is pretty specific but if anyone knows of any hypnosis intended to turn you into an obnoxious manic egirl send it my way 😘

I might change the name of this blog to reflect my uncertainty.