Do You Remember Me? Do You Remember My Laugh….the Excitement In My Voice When We Spent Our Time Together,

life with bpd is always trying to fill a huge hole in your chest. you spend your life looking for a cure that doesn't really exist

it’s hard to hate someone when you can remember what it was like to love them. I wish I could erase all memories of you from my mind.

every time I decide I’m done with you, for some godforsaken reason, I dream about you the same night

Idk if thats a bpd or a me thing

Can’t feel anger without physically punching walls or holding in the intrusive violent urges so much that it makes my arms physically burn and hurt

Can’t look at someone who’s even moderately attractive without desperately falling in love and imagine a whole life together

Can’t feel “happy” or moderately excited without feeling like my chest is about to burst and the only way to get it out is to literally vibrate and yell

Can’t feel sad without spiralling immediately into just wanting to stop existing

Can’t feel nervous without teeth chattering chest burning about to throw up

Or just don’t feel anything at all when (apparently) I am supposed to

bpd culture is wishing you could feel emotions normally

.

I miss the way you used to look at me. I spend most of my time living in memories and trying to remember what you sound like.

i dont think i am meant to have love in my life

my mind flickers to the thought of him and her just conversing….him not thinking about me at all. I just. I don’t want to be thinking like this.

where is the off button

My final note to you

I still love you. Just not enough to cry about it anymore. Just not enough to ruin my life. You are like… something that I like to look at. And listen to, talk with, joke with, be around. But something I will never have. That’s okay. I am just fine watching you from afar.