Text → Nate & Zahra

when: immediately after the released police statement; where: the lake; who: @pvlmer​.

nate was sure he was about to lose it. sure, when he had gotten pulled away for a moment to chat with the detectives some time ago, he had convinced himself that everything would be fine. but now, sitting at the edge of the lake, nate did not feel the same way. like suddenly with that statement, everything was that much more real and it scared him. but not just for his sake. jason. nate had called him earlier and told him they needed to meet, but didn’t say for what. he just knew it was about time they talked. about everything. with thoughts burning a hole in his head, nate glances back when he hears footsteps approaching. he throws another stone across the lake. it goes right in. “i swear i’m better at this. at least, i used to be.”

scenestlr​:

grace scoffs softly at his comment, “i’m not surprised you’d find it so boring. i still don’t know how the hell you got pandarus last semester.” the cast list came as a surprise for her, to see him in  such an important role in trolius and cressida. she didn’t care for that role, nor did she want to take it from him - but that very essence of knowing he didn’t deserve it struck her to her core. the very bitter and evil thought of maybe nate hooked up with orson like chandler did to get that role crosses her mind. grace lets that anger subside, just for a moment, as she hears his next question.

she presses her lips together, she’s used to his typical comments and jabs - just as he was hers, but that felt pointed. the whispers were one thing, but a direct accusation to murdering someone feels different. she holds little respect for how he gets his ways, on and off the stage. it’s a dirty move, something they shouldn’t be joking about. “you’d love that, wouldn’t you?” she forms her words carefully and malignantly. “i don’t have to prove my innocence to you, palmer.”

it’s always nice to know that while most things change, others would remain the exact same. for example, nate has done a lot of soul searching over the course of his twenty-two years — contrary to what he presents to most people, he’s done a lot of growing up; compared to grace, who, unfortunately looked like she was always gonna be hater. yikes. nate rolls his eyes at her comment about pandarus, but is satisfied that she’s still salty about it. point for him.

“well i hate to break it to ya, but you haven’t been proving much of anything to me in these past few years i’ve known you,” he cringes a little at the harshness, so he follows up, “...besides the fact that it’s clear to me and everybody else that you’re secretly in love with me, which honestly, i don’t blame you. but the whole ‘enemies to friends to lovers’ trope is kinda played out, don’t you think?” nate brings the joint back to his lips, and he hides his smirk behind the smoke. messing with grace was his favorite pastime, but there’s something about this night that has nate feeling particularly weird, so he keeps talking for no good reason.

“all i’m saying is, you don’t have to try so hard. especially since orson....y’know. bit the dust.”

i aspire to be one of those people who are known for always smelling good and treating people kindly

oofscenestlr​:

one thing that’s held through the past few years of dealing with nat is that he somehow always manages to make it about him. she had first hand experience, the constant days and nights when orson would pair them together was like a thorn in her side. getting through scenes was tough, but she tried to stay professional about it. so what if she was a try-hard? she was doing more than half the people here anyway.

“i’m not even gonna try and respond to that fucked up theory. just some advice for you - maybe get your head out of your ass and realize the world isn’t in love with you. in fact, the world has a lot more things going on than falling to their knees to worship you.” she’s bitter, it’s true. and maybe this was a losing fight, but she had to hold her own. she was a perfectionist, that much is true, and if nate couldn’t see there was anything to gain from that, it was lost on him. but trying so hard to impress orson’s ghost? grace had no respect for orson anymore. “have you considered i work so hard to get where i am for myself? and not for the fake validation of some ghost busy haunting our school and the real murderer?”

giving somebody shit for actually caring about something, especially their craft, is the lowest hanging fruit and while nate knows that, it doesn’t stop him from standing behind his words. because yeah, while grace’s work ethic was something fierce, she had generally not been a nice person from the moment nate met her. and in the wake of orson’s death, she still didn’t seem to get it. and maybe she never would. “save me the fucking diatribe about how you’re so different from the rest of us and how much you’ve sacrificed to get here. ‘cause if you wanna compare notes, we could be here all night,” nate takes another long inhale of the joint and closes his eyes.

for a moment he thinks he can feel it — the warmth of this particular strain — but it doesn’t last long. clearly whatever he had going on right now was not going to be solved with just one smoke. 

it’s a small revelation that he chooses not to focus on, so nate turns back to grace instead. “look, did you come outside to just yell at me about petty shit or did you wanna smoke and try to chill the fuck out for once? i mean, aren’t you tired of all this fighting? i know i am. i’m fucking tired, grace.” nate pushes himself off of the railing he was leaning up against and extends the joint to her. things were changing around here — and while drugs weren’t going to fix any of their issues, nate didn’t have it in him to keep throwing insults back and forth. not tonight, at least.

who the fuck swiped my capri-sun?, an intro.

hey all you cool cats & kittens, i hope you enjoy getting an abridged version of this lil’ shit. xoxo, gossip girl. (sorry, i re-watched the season finale the other night.)

STATS

name: nathaniel “nat(e)” palmer as the comic.

gender & pronouns: genderqueer & he/him.

age & date of birth: 22 & dec 2nd. (sagittarius, babyyyyy)

sexuality: pansexual

hometown: in ur heart

nate, a vine collection: yup, this one, uh huh, also this & one more! 

character parallels: phillip gallagher (shameless), donkey (shrek), jughead jones (exclusively archie comics), nathan young (misfits)

ABOUT

full app. |  pinterest.

alllllright, so nate was born with some hearing loss & just when the doctors thought he was going to live a life of rapid hearing loss, his adopted parents swooped in & turned all that shit around for him. in those early days especially, he was so obsessed with being all of what they could hope for and more, that he undoubtedly absorbed so much of their love & support in comparison to his brother.

but anywho, he had surgery for two cochlear implants before age 6, and it’s worked out for him, especially because he was (and still is) a quick study. kid’s got a knack for learning/adapting like nobody’s business. but hey, he’s a human - he’s bound to make mistakes and the expectations got so high that he got frustrated with himself and decided enough was ENOUGH. the golden shine he had was starting to wear off.

so, then’s there the Age of Ethan Crabgrass  - which yes, is someone from nate’s past that caused a lot of trouble for him - but honestly, the name is more of a representation for all the discrimination and bullshit nate had to fight against. and fight, he did. in a small literal way, but mostly in a social way. humor is his best and sharpest weapon, and he’s had lots of practice wielding it.

found theatre in one of those moments ya see on the movies where the character is walking by the auditorium and the magic of the stage just pulls them in (like glee omg). it’s also where he started drinking alcohol, smoking mary & juan, and exploring his gender/how he wants to present himself to the world. the love he felt there led him straight to alderidge.

so yes, he kinda blackmailed orson after he found out - through his connects in the art department - about the extent of orson’s drug habits & took this spicy info. straight to the source. i imagine their conversation left nate feeling like he was going to Soar in this dept. troil & cress gave him a little more to work with, but he was still hungry to do something different. but then orson dies, and nate has...lots of feelings.

speaking of which, he has a therapist he’s seen since first year, dr. june, but for the last month or two, he hasn’t spoken to her. he’s too busy doing more drugs, having lots of sex, and being a Shit. to sit down and unpack that entire night and what it means is something he is putting off until...? he’s not sure, tbh. orson’s death has him Shook.

aldy (as he fondly calls alderidge) has been some of the best years of nate’s life. which is probably why he’s trying his hardest to soak up every single moment while he still can. he knows he and the rest of his classmates might not be bffs after this is all said and done, but he wants to create some lasting memories (read: be more Annoying than usual this semester).

HEADCANONS

so i did this thing here that’s my interpretation of potential connections for nate to all of his peers. from the chameleon to the villian, nate’s thoughts about everyone is there! feel free to read & if you dig what he had to say, let me know! if you hate what he had to say, let me know! (if i don’t reach out first!)

fluent in ASL (let him teach you, it’s his favorite thing) & knows lots of bad words in different languages

gives “cute” nicknames to lots of things, because hey, words are hard and sometimes his mind runs faster than his mouth. there’s probably a dictionary of these words collected over the past few years. (e.g., supe effin awk, ors ho, cae sal, mary & juan)

wants the chance to be a Serious Actor, for once in his academic career. with orson dead, maybe that has a better chance to happen. and...if nate’s honest, he’s not as sad as he should be.

especially since he still has jason’s watch, nate’s spidey senses have been tinglin’. like, i imagine he’s gonna be nosy and want to figure out what the hell went down that night. not to snitch, but to protect whoever he can. if he can.

chandlerrosen​:

chandler walked into the refectory, copy of macbeth in tow, in search of a cup of coffee. their first read-through was coming up soon and she had to make positive she was prepared. eyes would be on her, and many of her peers could smell fear and insecurity, and wouldn’t hesitate to capitalize on it. grabbing her coffee, she headed for a table near the window to read in peace, when she noticed someone was trying to get her attention. “oh, hello,” she said coolly, smiling a bit when he called her ‘lady ‘beth,’ reminding her of her latest success, “congratulations, by the way, i can’t wait to see you as a witch. i’m sure you’ll make it your own!” looking around the refectory as if expecting heidi to come and scold her for not spending every waking moment poring over the play, she turned her attention back to nate, “sure, nate,” she said hesitantly, sitting across from him with her cup of coffee. chandler was preparing for the worst; though nate was mostly harmless, he had a tendency to say whatever was on his mind, regardless of how it would be received. which is quite admirable, in a sense, but often got on chandler’s nerves, especially in moments when she was particularly vulnerable and emotional. still, he had a good sense of humor, and chandler appreciated about seventy percent of the things that came out of his mouth. “what is it?”

to be honest, nate hadn’t had much personal interaction with chandler. he knew her well enough to understand that she had obviously been through some shit these past couple of months, probably tenfold since she actually still, uh, cared - or cares - about orson. nate had thought about reaching out, but he didn’t know if that would’ve just been weird or if chandler wanted to even be around him. but there she was, sitting down at the table. and now nate didn’t know if he’d have the nerve to say what had originally been on his mind. he stalls for half a moment, hopefully not long enough to notice. “...i just wanted to get your quick opinion on something, actually. take a listen.” he lets out his best cackle, trying to embody the crones and hags of generations before. it’s loud, but just when other students start to turn and look their way, nate stops. he grins, “not bad for an amateur try, huh? it’s all part of my plan to slowly submerge myself in the role until i’ve lost my mind and i don’t know who am i anymore. ugh, can’t wait.”

“you feeling good about lady m, right? 

pvlmer​:

jason had been on edge recently. usually when he was on edge, it wouldn’t show. he had gotten pretty good at hiding his frustrations. but between the masque ball and the police interrogation, he thought the mask that he wore might be beginning to crack. and he never really felt comfortable showing anyone else what was beneath it. most people already thought so lowly of him or not at all, if they saw him without his mask, he couldn’t imagine what they would think. he got a little nervous when nate called him to talk, he was worried something had gone wrong. his brother’s tone was less jovial and humorous than usual, so he knew something had to be up. he walked towards the lake where he saw nate and gave him a nod as he watched him skip stones. “it’s all in the flick of the wrist,” jason said in a small voice. “so uh…what’s up? why did you want to meet? here of all places?”

.

nate only catches a piece of jason’s suggestion, but he picks up one more stone and throws it anyway. it skips a few times, and then submerges. nate turns to face jason, aware of how sketchy he’s being. hell, how sketchy he felt. thinking back, nate couldn’t remember too often that they fought or had any bad blow ups like other siblings he knew. and honestly, nate could never tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing. he looks around and shrugs, “i don’t know, i guess i came out here to think for a while, but then i realized you and i needed to talk about all of this...shit. honestly, that statement from the police has been freaking me out. i don’t know what you told them, but i basically ran off at the mouth about orson and what i knew about the drugs. and about chandler. whatever i knew to keep them from looking in my direction. ...in your direction.” nate looks at jason, and really can’t help but feel a little hurt that his own brother didn’t feel comfortable enough to share his mistakes. his trauma. his guilt. but somebody needed to make the first step.

“listen, it’s about time we talked about the night orson died.” 

pvlmer​:

the mood feels weird to jason. even as someone who’s normally adaptable in most situations, he can’t help but feel a little uneasy. and he can’t quite put his finger on it. he figures it was because of nate’s mood shift, that’s what’s putting him off. hes’ so used to seeing his brother crack jokes and be the life of the party, but this mood on him was seldom something jason saw. he wonders if it’s a mood that nate keeps hidden from others, kind of like how jason keeps parts of himself hidden to certain people. jason tries to focus on the lake, rather than how creepy everything is. he remembers his therapist telling him focusing on one thing can help alleviate anxiety. he’s not sure if it’s working or not. he hears what nate says. so he settles on: not. 

“i only told them stuff i thought was relevant to the case. i mostly told them that i didn’t think anyone here is capable of something like that but they kind of pressed me so i did say someone’s name but it was more like just a theory, you know?” a couple moments pass before what nate had said really sunk in for jason. he was mostly talking about the police investigation and didn’t even register that nate had said he was trying to keep the cops from suspecting jason. “wait…why would you want to keep them from looking in my direction?” he gulps. because deep down, he knows the answer. but he can’t tell nate what happened that night. how he laughed in the face of orson as he bled out, how he liked seeing him suffer. the guilt of his actions and of keeping this from nate have been heavy on jason, but not as heavy as knowing that his brother would never look at him the same again. “nate, i…don’t know what you’re talking about.” his voice was unconvincing to even an ordinary person, so it certainly wouldn’t be enough to convince his brother. but he couldn’t, he couldn’t let nate see that side of him. the side that got lost in the shadows and became the darkness within them. 

.

nate winces at jason’s words. for so long, he had tried to be the best brother - or at least, the best brother he knew how to be. in their household, nate had learned specific lessons about patience, kindness, and empathy. all of which he never had to really use with jason, because things had been easy for them for a long time. now in hindsight, while trying to analyze his brother, nate felt that familiar pang of guilt he always managed to push down. had things only been easy because nate didn’t try to work on their relationship? how much was there that they hadn’t talked about, simply because they didn’t think it was necessary? had nate pushed jason away, somehow? the answers to those questions were hard to think about. 

but he couldn’t let jason shut down on him this time; the stakes were too high. “who’s name did you say? is that so much of a secret you can’t even tell me?” nate looks out past jason, out towards the rest of the campus through the thick of the trees. he thinks about the police, about the investigation, about orson’s body and - “jason...i love you, okay? i’d gladly give you a kidney, a lung, a part of my pancreas - if they were healthy, that is.” nate steps closer to him, “my point is that i’d do just about anything for you. but i need you to trust me.” nate knows he’s handled jason with kid gloves practically their whole life, so this feels especially weird for them, but he has to see this through. no matter what the answer might turn out to be.

“tell me the truth”, nate signs with a mixture of nostalgia for their ‘secret’ language as kids and fear of what jason might actually reveal to him. “did you kill o-r-s-o-n?”

where: the anchor; when: the night after the cast read-through; who: @teddynewell​.

for once, nate makes it through the day without falling asleep in class and/or skipping to smoke some weed, because he looks forward to hanging out with teddy all damn day at his fave spot: the anchor. while it didn’t have the beats and the strobe lighting of a rave, nate couldn’t deny the charm of the place for students and professors alike. plus, nate practically lived at the anchor his sophomore year, so the staff was like an extended family at this point. after ordering two fireball shots, he leans against the bar and turns to teddy. with a grin, “you’ll be proud of me. i haven’t taken a single drug all day - scout’s honor - just so i could get wasted with my favorite drinking partner.” when the glasses arrive, nate order two more and slides the first shot over to teddy. he raises his glass. “what should we toast to?”

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