Experience Tumblr Like Never Before
no >:3
Aliens have such different gender and biology from humans that none of them menstruate. So imagine this.
Alien: Human Steve, why did I find blood on the lavatory floor?
Steve: Oh, that's just Karen.
Alien: What??
Steve: Human females bleed from their reproductive organs once every month for five to seven days.
Alien: wHAT?!
Steve, calmly: Yeah, they can lose enough blood in a lifetime to kill ten grown men.
Alien: WHaT ?!?!
Karen, walking in: Steve, I need A FUCKING break. And chocolate. And a heating pad. I'll be in my sleeping quarters. Also, I threw up.
Steve: Okay, take the day off, I'll bring you your stuff in a bit.
Alien: *jots down in notebook* Human females are indestructible and fearsome. Regard them with respect.
EDIT: I swear, if this is the thing that makes me Tumblr famous, I’m gonna blow a braincell. And I don’t have many of those left, so…
Edit 2: Guys. Guys. What?! My grumpy menstrual rant is in no way worthy of being tumblr famous. *is mildly to severely confused/thankful/bumfuddled*
Edit 3: Why is this still getting notes wtf
Edit 4: STOP REBLOGING THISSSSSS
https://www.tumblr.com/shroomiethefrogwhisperer/759080545219198976/humans-are-crazy?source=share
So here. Have a list of all my characters.
Karen: Ship's mechanic. Human (American-Indian). Fun, snarky, mom vibes, dabbles in illegal drug dealing. She/Her, heterosexual. Has a brown bob with a side undercut, blue eyes, and dark tanned skin, lots of tattoos (including Rainbow Dash). She's like 36.
Steve: Comms Expert. Human (Korean-Japanese). Chill, easygoing, likes video games and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, can and will beat your ass at fortnite. He/Him, gay. Has short black hair, dark brown eyes, pale skin, and a few piercings. He's in his early twenties.
Moss: Translator. Human (Hispanic). Chaotic, sarcastic, an absolute gremlin, has a pet ratbird (keeps trying to domesticate the entire ratbird infestation that lives in the pipes). They/It, pansexual polyamorous. Has curly, bright green/pink hair, blue eyes, and slightly tanned skin. They're twenty-nine.
Zzgnaru. Ship's Captain. Alien (Nobletsk). Tired parent vibes, serious, literal, bad at nuance, loves plushies. Xey/xem, aroace. Brown/black scales, 6 yellow eyes, white horns, spiky tail, pink claws. Xey're 52.
Amethyst: Navigator. Alien (Penaconian). Sweet, happy, literally a ball of sunshine, everyone's sweetheart cutie who also has anxiety. Obsessed with anime (Moss showed him JJK and AoT, and now he's into KnY, MHA, and, like, Helluva Boss.) He/they, demiromantic bisexual. Short blonde hair with purple highlights, hazel eyes, pale skin. He's 32.
Banana: First Mate. Alien (Zzbrk). Comedic, silly, madly in love with Moss (BUT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET), completely unserious like Captain Jack Sparrow unserious. She/fae, poly, omnisexual. Yellow/brown scales, vitiligo skin, golden eyes, shaved head, white spikes. She's 43.
Douri: Weapons Operater #1. Alien (Aaki). Depressed as shit, loose cannon-type shit, can and will eat your tacos. It/Its, asexual panromantic. Basically just a humanoid blob of orange slime. No one knows its age.
Josh: 2nd Mate. Human (American). Kind of a psycho, hilarious, autistic, likes sharks. And things that look like sharks. Steve’s boyfriend. He/Him, bisexual. Black dreadlocks, umber skin, dark eyes. He's also in his twenties.
Rhïianae: Weapons operator #2. Alien (Jawa). Collects random shit and makes guns out of them. Has severe adhd. Can never finish a project (took apart a secondary engine about a year ago and it's still disassembled). ??? skin, orange eyes, ??? Hair. Fae/Faun/It, demisexual polyamorous. Faun's in its mid-thirties.
Calixtian: Ship's Doctor. Alien (Penaconian). Likes doing experiments on beings of lesser sentience (or heck, same level-sentience, he doesn't care), mad scientist-esque, no one likes him. Blue-green hair, orange eyes, vitiligo skin. He/Him, aromantic. He's 46.
Nøræxx: Interplanetary criminal. Alien (Asgardian). Wanted for weapons smuggling and illegal mercenary work. Is the cavalry reserved for when Douri and Rhïinae are out, is the bodyguard. Dark hair, green eyes, tanned skin. She/He/They, cupioromantic asexual. 500+ years old.
Bastier. Comms student. Human (British). Clueless, cute, easily confused, has OCD, likes cats. Speaks 8 interplanetary languages (not including Earth languages, which he speaks at least twenty of). Blonde hair, pale skin, blue eyes. He/Him, heterosexual (bicurious). 19 years old.
The Ship. "Steroid Annihilator". Modified Class 8 Torigrian K-Wing Destroyer. Got its name when Zzgnaru, Karen, Douri, and Steve successfully piloted it through the Inter-Galaxian Asteroid Fields. Zzgnaru wanted to name it Ssjuokimbl (Conqueror of Rocks), but Steve suggested Asteroid Annihilator instead, and when they got it painted on the side, the artist doing the paint job spelled it wrong. Karen couldn't stop laughing for days.
Note: Steve is a Chill Gay™️, and Josh is a Chaotic Gay™️.
in a previous post, I stated that the only species that can eat chocolate safely is Humans! And we love our sweet, cocoa-y bars of the brown/white/black goodness.
but the thing is, everywhere else in the universe, it’s a carefully controlled, highly illegal substance. For some alien species, like the Penaconians and the Ahlmiws, it’s a hallucinogenic, intoxicating drug with severe side effects. For others like the Aakij and Zbbrk, it is a deadly poison.
The thing is, the illegal chocolatiers of the universe have refined their craft, and humans like it more than the chocolate we have. So you have groups of humans who go around to dealers, buying chocolate off of them for their hefty prices. And most aliens don’t know that humans are impervious to the dangers of cocoa! And the humans don’t know it’s illegal, so they’re not even trying to cover it up!
So, you know, there are thousands of intergalactic human criminals who are unknowingly on the run from the space police.
in a galactic jail somewhere
Burakkjian Serial Killer w/ a body count of 5000+: so, what’re you in for?
Literally just an average, everyday human: possession of highly illegal drugs and murder weapons
BONUS:
Karen, eating Nutella straight from the jar:
Steve: *chomps on Hershey bars*
Moss, elegantly eating ferrero rocher like the absolute royalty they are:
Zzgnaru: these are my idiots
Sunday: …they should all be dead or high
Boothill: Yeehaw they fuckin should
Ratio: the odds of them surviving are slim
Sampo: W H A T A R E T H E Y D O I N G A R E T H E Y S U I C I D A L S H O U L D I B E W O R R I E D
Aventurine: Oi, Karen, gimme
Karen, not really paying attention: sure
Ratio and Topaz, in unison: NO
Zzgnaru and Karen are walking through the downtown area of Karen's home city. Zzgnaru notices a shop whose sign reads "Tattoo and Piercing." Xey are confused.
"Karen, what is a 'Tattoo and Piercing?'" Xey ask, pointing one of their tentacles at the building. Karen blinks at xem for a moment, and bursts out laughing. She gestures to her arms, which are covered in artistic markings.
"Tattoos are basically just permanent body art. I have over twenty. And piercings are a type of body jewelry." Zzgnaru is still confused. Karen tugs xem into the shop, where a person lies on a table, an artist working on a caterpillar tattoo.
Zzgnaru starts. "Is-is that a needle?" Karen nods. "So you aren't born with those?" Xey ask, shocked. "Yep. And piercings are where you use a needle to put small gems and stuff into your skin. Not permanently, you can take them out." Karen explains.
The person on the table looks up, and recognition flashes over their face. "Karen? Izzat you?" Karen looks over at them, surprised. "Moss? What the fuck, girlypop? I thought you had joined a space crew?" Moss shakes their head, sighing. "Rosatttiiia kicked me off the ship. Said I was 'too confusing.'"
Karen laughs. "Moss, babygirl, you are confusing. You're the most gremlin-y person I've ever met." Moss huffs. Then, Zzgnaru butts in. "Does that hurt?" Xey ask, motioning to the needle. Moss shakes their head. "Nope, not really."
Later, back on the ship, Zzgnaru rants to Steve and two of the Penaconian crew members about how humans are crazy. "The ones with the patterns aren't normal? The unmarked ones aren't albino? What the crap is this, Steve? First Karen bleeds from her genitalia, now this?"
Steve ends up showing them his singular tattoo and explaining that they have ways to ease the pain.
(Yes, it's about aliens again.)
We, as humans, eat a lot of food that other animals can't eat. Chocolate, grapes, avocados, broccoli, alcohol (although I did once have a cat who loved beer), caffeine, almonds, pistachios, macadamia nuts, any spicy food, tomatoes, the list goes on. Dairy products, everyone.
I am currently having period cravings. For hot cheetos, spicy ramen, raspberry-infused dark chocolate, and hot cocoa. Any and all of that would kill a dog.
But, would it kill an alien?
I once saw a thing that said that chocolate is a universally poisonous substance. And sure, I'll stand by that. If you give chocolate to any species except for humans, they will die. Miserably.
BUT! And this is a large but.
HUMANS ARE NOT ALL-POWERFUL, NOR ARE THEY ALL-IMMUNE!
Pokeweed (a little, deadly plant characterized by its red stem and purple berries) is absolutely lethal to us. One tiny berry will kill us. Oleander, a beautiful pink/red/white flower, can kill with any/all of its parts. Nightshade, recognized by its bright red berries, kills in less than 24 hours.
Aliens consider all of these plants to be delicacies.
Zygerin chefs whip up fabulously delicious hemlock soups for their patrons. Ytertjjijkis bakers utilize nightshade, pokeweed, and yew in all of their most famous pastries. Aàkî cooks use Oleander and destroying angel mushrooms in common garden salads.
But yes, chocolate is deadly to them. And the other 99.999% of the universe.
Aliens have such different gender and biology from humans that none of them menstruate. So imagine this.
Alien: Human Steve, why did I find blood on the lavatory floor?
Steve: Oh, that's just Karen.
Alien: What??
Steve: Human females bleed from their reproductive organs once every month for five to seven days.
Alien: wHAT?!
Steve, calmly: Yeah, they can lose enough blood in a lifetime to kill ten grown men.
Alien: WHaT ?!?!
Karen, walking in: Steve, I need A FUCKING break. And chocolate. And a heating pad. I'll be in my sleeping quarters. Also, I threw up.
Steve: Okay, take the day off, I'll bring you your stuff in a bit.
Alien: *jots down in notebook* Human females are indestructible and fearsome. Regard them with respect.
EDIT: I swear, if this is the thing that makes me Tumblr famous, I’m gonna blow a braincell. And I don’t have many of those left, so…
Edit 2: Guys. Guys. What?! My grumpy menstrual rant is in no way worthy of being tumblr famous. *is mildly to severely confused/thankful/bumfuddled*
Edit 3: Why is this still getting notes wtf
Edit 4: STOP REBLOGING THISSSSSS
edit 5: if you like this, go look at these:
This is now a masterlist.