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Who You Should Fight: Marching Band Edition
piccolo
who wins: them
don’t do it. don’t fight the piccolo player. just don’t.
flute
who wins: them
they were told you were challenging them for first chair. run while you still can.
clarinet
who wins: them
threaten you with their register key. forfeit for the sake of all.
saxophone
who wins: them
you are promptly deemed a “nerd” and stuffed in a band locker by the entire section even though you only wanted to fight one of them.
low reeds
who wins: no one
you yell increasingly bad sexual innuendos at each other across the band room for twenty minutes until you both get tired and go home.
mellophone
who wins: them
punches you in the face repeatedly on the offbeats of a sousa march playing in the background.
trumpet
who wins: you and then them
you win the fight easily while they’re giving their villainous monologue. entire trumpet section later jumps you in a dark hallway for disgracing one of their own.
trombone
who wins: no one
they get distracted halfway through the fight and wander off.
low brass
who wins: them
you mock them by making farting noises with your lips. they punch you in the stomach with their abnormally strong arms. you can’t breath properly for days.
pit percussion
who wins: you
pretend like you can’t tell the vibes, marimba, and xylophone apart. wait until they’re blind with rage, then run them over with the closest wheeled pit equipment.
drumline
who wins: them
show up to the fight with a shank fashioned out of a broken drum stick. proceed to kick ass.
drum major
who wins: them
calls you to attention (you can’t disobey!) and then waits until you faint from exhaustion.
color guard
who wins: them
have you ever watched one of these fuckers on the field? you’re screwed.
band director
who wins: them
just when you think you’ve won, they get up smiling and say “one more time!”
Practice and Perform
Practice like you’ve never won. Perform like you’ve never lost.
I’m really regretting leaving my flag bag in the band hall, I want to practice and do tricks. I mean the weather is kinda shitty but whatever. Wish me luck on not breaking anything. I’ve decided to link the Insta with the Tumblr and make my life a little easier making content for both, so if you want to go follow the insta you’re more than welcome.
Am I actually gay or is it just Guard?
Saber time
Change my mind
Trying to join DCI is the modern day equivalent of running off to join the circus
Shit I’ve heard Band say
“A triangle could be hanging from your earlobe all I care is that you sound good”
“Put those balloons BACK in my locker!!!”
“Banana Pipeline. Like from Brazil to Times Square. No it’s only slightly puréed”
“You told me to take what I want.” -Freshman
“That’s called STEALING BITCH!!” -Senior
“I love the crunch of a frozen chicken nugget.”
“When in doubt pull out!” -Director to horns
“I AM THE MESIAH!!!” -A trumpet
Me realizing I’m going to be a Vet in a few weeks
I’m terribly afraid
“Put your butts down, we don’t need no Hoes in our show!”
-The choreographer
And this is why Crocs are banned
I saw someone do a whip nae-nae under a five.
They have an addiction to flirting with death
Selling Girl Scout cookies at Guard Competitions is probably the smartest thing I’ve ever seen someone do
The JV: Huddled outside the gym waiting quietly for the cheer team to finish
Guardmate: Accidentally knocks over metal water bottle creating noise
Director:(instinctively) I will kill you
Diary of a Wimpy Guardsmen: How to get kicked out of band but still be in band
JV team as we’re screwing around before practice like we always have: What would you do without us?
Our Director without hesitation and with a stone cold face: Work on the varsity
What I’m bad at: most things
What I’m good at: somehow hitting myself in the face with absolutely everything
You know the party is dying when people split into
Crazy party crew
The emotional support squad
Me: Hasn’t yet touched gear over break
Also me: “Why do I have the sensation that I am forgetting something?”
Hi! Your blog is super cute!!! Just wondering, how big is your Band? Like class wise?
I’m a part of a large 6A band, approximately 300 ish people ,plus guard and band dance. It was a big scare for me transferring since I came from a small school with only about 500 people.
This picture is from the closing hit of our show for a visualization
I freaking love this band, but damn, it must be hard to organize
Me: Can I barrow your glove?
Older Friend: Sure, but she’s a little smelly
(puts on glove)
Me: HOE DAMN THIS IS NOT A LITTLE SMELLY! GONNA KNOCK A BITCH OUT WITH THIS FOUL SCENT OF DEATH!!!
Just Guard Things
No matter how short your nails are, one will always be broken