Bpd Culture Is "I Love You And It's Killing Me"

So am i the only one that gets more and more (silent) panic attacks when i get emotionally extremely tired like tired to the point it physically affects my body.

Feeling weak, nimbs going numb, dizziness and headaches, stomach pain, things like that I mean.

Probably also a thing that more people should talk about mental illnesses since just because you can't see something there isn't nothing. Most illnesses begin without a visible characteristic.

But at the same time, if we try and talk about this were just lazy or imagining things.

But why? Like (normally) nobody is questioning if you really have a headache or stomachpain or things like that but if you say "its because my mental health." You can't be sick just because they can't relate/understand.

I had a fp from 2020 to 2023-

I wasn't diagnosed back then. They never knew how much and bad they managed to trigger me in the last year.

Anyways, i never had a episode infront of them except going all silent.

I thought our friendship would have ended, as with 2024 i started to only visit the stables (where we had to meet every day normally but due to stress i made with them the decision that they would take care of my pony until I finished apprentice.)

When i felt.. okay, not stressed, not bad, not extremely tired.. of course I started to have a better mood at the stable since then.

Since a long time i call them in the mornings to wake them up so they don't oversleep and still do, but, fuck.

They are so fucking nice to me again since 2024 began and we stopped seeing each other everyday, since I wasn't forced to go to the stables anymore because i don't have to feel guilty because of my pony even though I really love it.

My ex fp is so nice to me again i can't handle it 😭 especially every morning on the phone.

I don't know how to work with this & this feelings.. they are still able to trigger me badly too.

Why is that so fucked up? What should I do?

I am scared. Also i want it to stay like now. BUT IT SCARES ME.

BPD culture is crying your eyes out at 1am because you can't understand why it feels like everyone around you hates you or why you feel like a terrible person even though everyone around you says you aren't.

.

🤣😑🤷‍♂️

God, I wanna love someone so bad.

I wanna give them all of my time.

Text them during every single minute i can steal.

Cuddle them to sleep,

Caress their face,

Stroke trough their hair,

Binge-watching with them..

Someone who doesn't get annoyed.

Someone who gives me the same back.

Fuck Sex, i just wanna feel worthy for more.

I wanna feel loveable. I wanna feel seen.

I wanna feel them.

Can you help the hopeless?

Well, I'm begging on my knees

Can you save my bastard soul?

Will you wait for me?

I'm sorry, brothers, so sorry, lover.

Forgive me, father, I love you, mother.

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel my heart?

I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

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Love this song. Its my comfort song since years, seemingly to perfectly describe how i feel.

I don't need you.

(Please hold me and wipe my tears.)

The urge to rip out your arms during derealization.

Oh, to feel unlovable...

.