Like For Real, Splitting Episode Incoming

God, I wanna love someone so bad.

I wanna give them all of my time.

Text them during every single minute i can steal.

Cuddle them to sleep,

Caress their face,

Stroke trough their hair,

Binge-watching with them..

Someone who doesn't get annoyed.

Someone who gives me the same back.

Fuck Sex, i just wanna feel worthy for more.

I wanna feel loveable. I wanna feel seen.

I wanna feel them.

Oh, to feel unlovable...

Who am i?

(Just a little vent, TW a single mention of selfharm and suicide in the end.)

In one moment i feel nothing at all, i found comfort in it.

Then, someone talks in another voice, and my mind gets crashed by selfhate and believing anyone is fooling with me. That often triggers Splitting, rage or depression.

No matter wich bpd episode; boredom, euphoria, anger, sadness, frustration, Splitting, lovesick, anxiety, dissociating, overthinking..

In big crows i am always on fight or flight.

Every single one feels so wrong, so different. Overwhelmingly and unbearable, causing my body to hurt and feel so weak.

Afterwards my mind feels so dead, guilty and ashamed. Like i don't think at all but still think so much if somebody can understand that.

If people ask what my Traits are, how could i say 'caring' if only care in a few of these episodes?

How can I say I will always listen? I really want to, but if I am in episodes i can't listen anymore.

What can i tell them, what wouldn't get destroyed by a episode?

What can i tell myself?

The only thing that stays with every damn episode is the thought of suicide or selfharm. But that's something rarely someone I meet will ever find out.

I know, I am more than bpd. We all are more than this illness.

Yet, from time to time i can't help it and ask myself, who am I.

Take care <3

Romantisized Daddy issues/father complex.

No, daddy issues isn't liking to call someone 'daddy' in Bed, thats a kink and not a issue.

The father complex is a trauma response, so please stop romantisizing it out of respect.

Its much more than the liking in older men.

There are 3 Types:

Fearful - avoidant means that affected people avoid getting close to anyone. If they are in a relationship, they tend to run away from challenges. They struggle with intimacy.

Anxious - preoccupied means that affected ones are scared to be left, ofting causing relationship anxiety. Its common that they are really clingy and feel unsettled if they aren't with their partner.

Dismissive - avoidant means that affected ones have heavy trust issues, avoiding conservations and being scared of getting hurt again or to depend on anyone else than themselve.

Lets go over to common symptoms, the type of a father complex clearly depends on the symptoms.

Possessiveness & clingy behaviour.

Overabundance of love & assurance.

Using Sex to feel loved.

Dating (older) men that make you feel protected.

Being afraid to be alone. > jumping from one relationship into another.

Choosing repetitively abusive men.

Attachment issues.

Being afraid to be vulnerable.

Trust issues.

Not setting boundaries because you're scared they will leave if you say "no."

Idealizing your partner.

the father complex often comes with..

Depression

Persistent anger issues

Low self-esteem

Stress

Worry

Anxiety

The father complex is treatable, search for a therapist and analyse your struggles. If your partner is okay with that, maybe even consider couple therapy.

.

This will probably cause some hate, but:

You aren't always the victim just because you are mentally ill.

You try to get better? I am proud of you, keep going, i don't adress you here because people who actively try to get better for the people around them are trying, and you can be proud at yourself for that.

But people who just say "i'm sorry its the mental illness!" and expect their friends/partners/familymembers to forgive them aren't.

It is okay to say "Hey, i'm really sorry, i didn't meant to at all. I wasn't myself." Because it often actually is the reason for our behaviour. But to say that, you HAVE to actually try and get better in my eyes.

I do NOT demonise mental illnesses.

But I am aware of what damage it can cause, and that there is no way around but pointing things out.

I did mistakes before, and I also needed time to realise that it was quite often actually my fault, that i need to work on myself to get better and i just know some of you are triggered at this point.

But sometimes that is needed to understand yourself. To understand your mistakes.

It is not okay to say "it's not my fault! I'm mentally ill! I can't help it!"

I know its easier to say that, but, if you continue to do that you are not only (accidently) hurting others but also yourself.

Also, it is not fair that there are healthy people saying "they all are the same." Because we're not.

Every one of us, no matter wich mental illness, is different.

Every one of us deserve a chance just like every other human.

Let me point out again: Its not your fault for being mentally ill and/or traumatised, but it is indeed your responsibility.

A little reminder: there are many healthy people who also hurt their partners, sometimes fully aware of their actions.

You are not your diagnose. (Greetings to my therapist.)

LASTLY: a mental illness doesn't mean your love is bad! You can love, you deserve love, you are still a good person.

That's it, take care of yourself <3

I felt the need to write this down since i am sick of people judging others because of their disorder, also I am sick of people who use their disorder as a sort of excuse.

Those feelings of “every time i want its wrong” and “every time i have a desire its a burden” and “every effort i make is somehow draining to you”

Sadness & disappointment turns into anger & frustration.

My body throbbs, the tension feeling like a millions stabs with a needle; I can't breath and the air burns in my lungs instead of letting me take a breath.

I yell, i cry, i try to get rid of it by hitting random objects.

I don't feel the pain i should feel from the hit.

I feel how I get dizzy, my ears ring, my skin tingles and my body feels as if its not my own, i want to get myself out of it.

It goes on until i get numb, tears continuing to silently roll down my cheeks.

I realise that i yelled at people, i apologise, i feel guilty and ashamed.

I plan my death, until I realise they aren't mad. It was a misunderstanding.

All caused by some dumb rumors.

Why can't i just stay calm until i know the truth?

I'm so tired of life, of not knowing who i am or how i am. Lately i can't even feel pity if someone tells me something sad.

I can't see people as white anymore until Splitting is suddenly over. I only splitted during being depressed for a long time now and since yesterday i feel like I never was depressed and i feel some weird euphoria and nothing at the same time.

Friday during therapy I got really pissed at my therapist for constantly asking me how i feel or why i feel like that because i don't know myself. I wanted to run away. I said sorry afterwards tho.

How long will it takes her to drop me?

Or actually helping me heal?

Because i don't know how to help myself anymore.

I'm sorry for being who i am