Sadness & Disappointment Turns Into Anger & Frustration.

Me, looking in the mirror: hm i don't even look that bad.

Also me, 5 mins later: nevermind.

Can you help the hopeless?

Well, I'm begging on my knees

Can you save my bastard soul?

Will you wait for me?

I'm sorry, brothers, so sorry, lover.

Forgive me, father, I love you, mother.

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel my heart?

I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

---

Love this song. Its my comfort song since years, seemingly to perfectly describe how i feel.

Something that definitely isn't talked enough about as a symptom from many borderliners are Hallucinations.

I myself have auditory hallucinations. Its really weird but luckily not scaring me yet.

The thin line between

Being emotionally so drained you can't feel shit anymore but you rationally know it will pass and you love them

And

Knowing you love them but not being able to feel it so the bordi tries to convince you that you never loved them and you should push them away

But

As soon as you meet up again you can feel the love and warmth again and realise you really love them so you get really scared again to loose them

Only to

Spiraling into this endless, toxic circle of "I hate you, please don't leave me"

Talking about healing-

I see rarely people talk about how wrong it feels to let yourself getting healed, getting help. it is not wrong at all of course, its good.

But it feels wrong.

Like, its hard to explain. Speaking for me, i struggle with myself (as far as I remember) since i am 6/7 and it only got worser.

And now you wanna tell me i can drop most of it?

Something inside me doesn't believe I can be happy. I can't find things that makes me happy for longer than a hour, max a day.

Something inside me doesn't want to.

Because i found to much comfort in my own suffering. The only thing that always was with me, that never left, are the feelings that came with my mental illnesses.

I just don't understand how i am supposed to feel like. To think like.

I want to heal myself, to get better, be better for persons around me. I want to learn to control my bpd.

But I am really scared.

If my woman is an overthinker, then Il be an over explainer. I have no issue putting her mind at ease. The goal is to build her trust, not to destroy it.

bpd culture is loving the mood swing right after a bad breakdown. yea i was sobbing for 3 hours but now i’m feeling GREAT what about it

.

Sometimes wonder how things will be if I manage to do it until I am like, 70.

Like, i would probably be a hated, grumpy old women and would still have bpd. Like.

It really does never leave.

Hm, i don't want to get that old anyway but its kinda weird to think about that, also I am pretty sure the old days would be extremely hard to deal with, constantly reminding how your body is to old to do the things you loved to do.

"mental health matters!" until your screaming and crying in the early hours of the morning over losing something as miniscule as your phone charger. but the reason your crying isn't actually about the charger, or your favorite pen you can't find.

little things add up.

my range of emotions go from “it’s scary how much i feel” to “it’s scary how much i don’t feel”