The Day Got Away From Me And I Meant To Get All My Replies Done D: 

All the honesty memes!

♥ - Something they like about your muse.

how kind and soft jonny is. jaxon really appreciates how much jonny cares. and how unabashed he is about it. it makes jaxon feel better about caring too much sometimes, and like that it reminds him that it’s a good thing. 

❦ - Something they hate about your muse.

jonny’s self-destructive tendencies. a small part of him, that he wouldn’t ever admit to outloud, blames jonny’s bad habits for the ending of their friendship. jaxon hates that jonny was so stubborn about wanting to get involved with shit jaxon knew was bad for him. 

✎ - A reason they’re jealous of your muse.

he likes how much jonny laughs, smiles, and jokes around. being serious or grumpy around jonny never lasts long, and jaxon is jealous how easy it is for jonny to find the good things, and enjoy the moment. so often jaxon gets caught up in his own negativity and his own bullshit. to jaxon, it seems like jonny doesn’t struggle with that quite so much. 

♪ - A secret they’re keeping from your muse.

uh, i mean… a lot. but the big one is his feelings for jonny. even after ten years, jaxon’s romantic feelings for jonny haven’t diminished. oh, and also how bad his ptsd really is. a lot of his behaviors are by-products of that, but jaxon has a really hard time admitting that. and doesn’t want to worry jonny. 

♤ - What they thought about your muse when first meeting.

“ how is someone so clumsy using a skateboard as their main form of transportation? i bet he falls like… a lot. ” (lmfao hes a dick) 

✉ OBVIOUSLY

Jaxon, It’s been a long time since I wrote a real letter and it’s funny when I actually sit down to do this I know that I’m not going to send it. I think this is more for me to figure my own shit out but it helps thinking of it like I’m talking to you. Talking to you always helped. Kinda sucks that I can’t do that now.It was crazy running into you after all these years. Not as crazy as it was for you, though. Honestly when you saw me I thought you might throw up. And you really wonder why I’d think you hate me? Yeah it wasn’t just all the shit that happened, Jax. It’s the shit that’s going on now too. 10 years and somehow it feels like shit has gotten more complicated. Isn’t stepping away from the situation supposed to make it easier? I dunno. Doesn’t seem like time did us any favors, huh?I wish that I could talk to you. I don’t mean just like, text you. I mean really talk to you. Remember when we were kids and we’d tell each other everything? Seems a lot harder now. I wonder if that’s because we got older or if it’s because of what happened. I know you don’t totally blame me for that. I get it. We both made mistakes but fuck, Jax. It still feels like I’m trying to figure out what really went wrong. I know that I had my head up my ass back then but I’m still lost. And my best friend isn’t helping either. Asking me if I wanted to suck your dick only made things soooo much more complicated in my head. Mostly because I know that I was lying to myself when I said no. Do you remember that time we made out? We were really drunk. We never talked about it but…I thought about it. More than once. I figured you thought it was a mistake and I didn’t want you to have to deal with that. Or I didn’t want to have to deal with losing you if things got complicated. Well, shit couldn’t get more complicated could it?And this letter isn’t clearing anything up for me. Not besides knowing that I do want you. And now I have to wonder exactly what makes shit so awkward between us now. Is it our past….or is it the question of what lies ahead? Ha god. I feel like I’m in high school all over again. We really…really just gotta talk. I just hope you don’t hate me after we do. -Jay

you are tired, you are hurt… 

the duality of man. ( aka tag dump )

biggest regret?

“ not bein’ there for tate. that was... yeah, biggest mistake of my life. i was a piece of shit, and i fucked up. i should have been there for him. he may have forgiven me, at least partially. but i don’t think i’ll ever forgive myself. ”

@tatemcallisterr

“ okay is just a word I use so I won’t have to talk about what’s inside.  okay is a word that means I am going to keep my secrets. ” 

          — she told me i was fatalistic. i told her she was right. 

jaxon sawyer + the things inside his head // aesthetic 

beautifulburnout:

On the sidewalk Jonny saw cars just keep flashing by. It was a little discouraging when so many people refused to stop, but he supposed this Las Vegas. He wasn’t sure he’d stop for a stranger on the side of the road either. He probably looked insane sitting here barefoot anyway so he felt less bitter as time went on and more just miserable. He didn’t want to deal with all the fallout of this either. Cancelling cards, getting his license again and all the bullshit that went along with that. He humored the idea of going in search of a payphone but who was he kidding? This was 2017.  Jonny was too absorbed in his thoughts to notice when someone did finally stop to see if he was okay. He didn’t notice Jaxon pulling up or him at all until he was shining a light towards his face. Disbelief was written on his face. Of all the people to run into him in this state it had to be Jaxon. A complicated wave of emotions crashed over him. Relief that someone was there for him but also a confusing mix of doubts he knew were just creeping in because he was feeling so low. He hated how much of a slave he was to his own emotions. He couldn’t even respond to Jaxon properly. He just shook his head ‘no’ when he asked if he was okay. If he spoke he might cry. Even if Jaxon had seen him cry a thousand times, that was ten years ago and he should be able to handle himself by now. He knew that didn’t answer all of his questions but it was all he could muster at the moment. 

it didn’t matter at the moment— all of their... stuff. all of his feelings, past and present, all of his confusion, all of their strange tension. it didn’t fucking matter. not when something had happened, and jonny was upset, and hurting, and dear fucking god, hopefully not injured. he wanted to hug jonny close against his chest, kiss his forehead, tell him it would be okay, he’d look out for him, like always. but this wasn’t high school. this wasn’t 10 years ago. 

instead, he reached forward and touched his jaw, gently and hesitantly, just enough to get a better look at him. no blood or bruising. that’s good. but jonny was obviously shaken up and upset.  “ okay, alright. it’s okay. c’mon. let’s get you outta th’ gutter, huh? ” he murmured gently, standing up and offering his hands out to jonny. worry clawed through his ribs, and he worried that he was the wrong person to help jonny at a time like this.  “ wanna drive through starbucks? get something hot? ” he asked, opening the passenger side door for jonny to get into. 

beautifulburnout:

“He’s my little shadow,” Jonny agreed despite the stiffness of Jaxon’s words. He could still feel the tension and it felt like things were starting to bubble over. Maybe it was just that it was so obvious to him that Jaxon wasn’t comfortable around him. The first time he understood, and even when he got mugged things were a little weird but it just seemed like a continuing trend and it honestly made him worry. This was why he felt like he was forcing his company on Jaxon and why he offered him an out. He very much expected him to take it but when he brought up hanging out Jonny actually turned to look at him. He studied Jaxon’s features as he considered the offer. Was it just him being kind? But Jonny supposed if he didn’t want to hang out he would have taken the out. He was just surprised at the offer and it took him a moment to respond. “Peach vodka, huh?” He tucked his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels as if he was really considering things. But he smiled and gave a nod. “Yeah, I’m game. I wanna see how awful this vodka really is,” he chuckled and turned to look at the dogs once more. “Besides, imagine how sad they’d be if we cut their playtime short.”

jaxon could see the mix of surprise on jonny's face after his offer. he knew it meant that his behaviors, and the way he's been acting toward jonny hadn't been great. there was a twinge of guilt at the realization, but a feeling of helplessness along with it. how could he act towards jonny like they used to? after all this time? after all that pain? he tried not to think too hard about It at the moment. instead he just smiled at jonny, somewhat pleased at his acceptance. maybe this was when they should finally, actually, really talk. late at night, just the two of them, over a couple drinks... maybe it wouldn't be so bad. jaxon forced himself to not think too deeply about it, and to stay in the moment. to enjoy this moment. without ruining it by wondering, what if, what next, what now?  " yeah. peach vodka. ugh. a marine buddy gave it to me for my birthday. 'cause he thinks he's funny, " jax scoffed, shaking his head. " yeah. alright. cool. um... do ya just wanna follow me in my truck? "