I Am Very Conflicted.

Quite accurate

The autistic experience is wanting to be an artist, a writer, a baker, an animator, a mother, somebodies wife, be totally independent, have a large friend group, only have one friend, move away and never speak to anyone ever again, never leave home, collect stuffed animals, heal your inner child, be a grown up, stay young at heart, get a job but not something you aren’t passionate about, eat safe foods, hate your safe foods because you’ve eaten them too much, scream and cry about how you feel like no one understands and you don’t fit in, love being different and not fitting in and not being able to do any of it because the seam of your sock isn’t sitting correctly.

Have some choccy milk. You deserve it!

Yeah that person usually tends to be myself anyway because I’m such a moron sometimes lol

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

Literally couldn’t be me right now with my best friend who has shown me nothing but respect since I’ve met her. Sometimes I hate having feelings lol

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

Happy New Year to my fellow gremlins, hope you all have a grand old time and achieve all you want to achieve

Sooooo I may or may not have found my new hyperfixation in Nine Sols..

It’s just such a good game. Very solid combat, to the point where I’m genuinely really enjoying the challenge. Art is still very much on point. It’s kind of confusing story-line wise right now though because I’m at the point where it’s starting to reveal a bunch of characters and some backstory stuff. I have a few different theories as to why Yi is on this journey of his, so I’m super excited to get further in the game.

Also my next few, probably several, posts will most likely be about the game so if you don’t want spoilers avoid those. I’ll be putting spoiler warnings on each post so it’s easier to avoid if you dear random viewer don’t want to have the game and story points spoiled.

Literally every time I come up with an NPC on the spot they become an unoffical party mascot or some such.

Me when my friend says they finished writing another chapter of their book but I can’t read it yet