Sooooo I May Or May Not Have Found My New Hyperfixation In Nine Sols..

Can’t imagine how people can live their life alone as adults. Like what do you mean I can’t just call up a friend and plan an outing to get food, or watch a movie, or just hang out? What do you mean society and life in general tries to keep people apart??

As a kid I was taught that having friends and being a good friend was super important, but we all let our work and other life worries get in the way of that, so what changed? Is having friends just not actually that important?? Am I missing something or what?

OR, just maybe, it’s me. Maybe, just maybe, I haven’t found the right people yet…

Oh who am I kidding, society hates when people have social lives and friends. All of our time is supposed to be put into making money so rich people can make more money. No time for friends, we gotta spend our time wasting away either in school or at work for the establishment because otherwise it’s really freaking hard to even survive. Moreso work than schooling, since I do believe that getting an education is important, but we also gotta have a good work/life balance so we can have time to spend with our friends and families.

Anyway random thought of the morning over

I know this is a writing prompt type deal but like why you have to call me out like this lol

"Can’t you see what they’re doing to you?!"

His voice begins to crack as the words leave his mouth. Tears spill over, his hands trembling. "So what was I supposed to do then?! Everyone left me—I had no one! I was alone!" He looks up, eyes burning with anger and hurt.

"You could’ve come to me."

"You don’t think I did?!"

Having friends who have discounts at good food places is so nice lol. I just met this person, who calls me a friend almost immediately, and takes me and two others to Chick-fil-a. I have no idea what I’m gonna do to repay this, but you can bet your soul I’ll find something.

That’s so valid though

i need to cave my head in with a rock that would fix me i thinmk

It’d be kinda nice to actually be a real dragon. Have a “little” treasure hoard and no one questions it. Be able to fly wherever I want. Eat mass quantities of food because I can. Scare or otherwise get rid of people who annoy me or are needlessly mean or are just my enemies. I don’t know, I just think it’d be kind of neat

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

Fellas. My wonderful amazing moots. The random followers who are also wonderful and amazing too. I may or may not have some big news. Not sure how to share it here yet, but I am working on it! Expect some good stuff here soon.

I finally got around to watching Secret Level, and boy was I not disappointed by the Warhammer 40K episode. Having only gotten into 40K within the last year, I gotta say that Daemon had such a cool design, but there was no way it had a chance against my boy Titus. Like I’m sorry. I may be new but even I know that named characters in this setting are not going to lose to some unnamed enemy.

Finally started playing Nine Sols, and while I haven’t really gotten all that far (like maybe 20 minutes in tops) I already freaking love the art direction of the game. Everything looks SO GOOD! It blows my mind every time I enter a new area how well it blends into the previous one. Also the COLORS! Everything is just so stinking good about this game so far. Here’s hoping the story continues to be good.

You can’t believe how lonely it is being touch-avoidant and single but also wanting so badly to have someone to cuddle with that it hurts. My social battery has been so dead the past couple days and I just want someone to cuddle with while I recharge. But I don’t have a partner and it’d be weird otherwise so here I am suffering in silence YET AGAIN