Yeah That Person Usually Tends To Be Myself Anyway Because I’m Such A Moron Sometimes Lol

If you don’t like me when I’m being weird, you ain’t gonna like me at all.

(My bad lol I was going for a lack of tact because people don’t know how to communicate properly sometimes. I’ll make my next one more lighthearted frfr)

"Actually… i think i fell in love with you…"

"Damn man, i wish i could help you out fr. Goodluck on your problem tho"

Too real lol

venting is only annoying when i do it btw. everybody else is innocent and free of sin

Pain is wanting to write a little tiny scene but not having the motivation to actually write it out because you just know that it ain’t gonna be as good as it sounds in your head

Hope you people who see this had a good holiday (or day in general if you don’t do Thanksgiving) today. I got to eat some pretty darn good food so that’s what I’m grateful for. Family is great too. Got pretty lucky that I’ve got a good family to spend time with.

Not anyone I feel worthy of being loved by that’s for sure

"I identify as the love of your life, my pronouns are 'who's/she?'"

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

Here’s a really rough 20 minute sketch of a mountain (don’t mention the shading ik it’s bad)

I saw it and figured why not sketch it out since I had my sketchbook with me for once lol

Sooooo I may or may not have found my new hyperfixation in Nine Sols..

It’s just such a good game. Very solid combat, to the point where I’m genuinely really enjoying the challenge. Art is still very much on point. It’s kind of confusing story-line wise right now though because I’m at the point where it’s starting to reveal a bunch of characters and some backstory stuff. I have a few different theories as to why Yi is on this journey of his, so I’m super excited to get further in the game.

Also my next few, probably several, posts will most likely be about the game so if you don’t want spoilers avoid those. I’ll be putting spoiler warnings on each post so it’s easier to avoid if you dear random viewer don’t want to have the game and story points spoiled.

What it feels like I’ve got to do just to feel decently okay about myself because life sucks sometimes. But also armor is just cool and wearing it around is fun. So there’s that aspect too. And having a cat companion (or a dog!) is just an added bonus