Here’s A Really Rough 20 Minute Sketch Of A Mountain (don’t Mention The Shading Ik It’s Bad)

Welp. Fully moved in and unpacked. I feel strange. Though I did get to go to one of our basketball games tonight. We won, and boy do I love the student section so much already. I think I’m gonna do well here in my new world

Heck yeah

I am very grateful for the Wolfenstein reboots and the Sniper Elite games because while gaming as an art form has come a long way and all the beautiful stories and complex characters are really wonderful and important, sometimes we need to remember our heritage as gamers, go back to our roots for a bit, and shoot a bunch of nazis in the face

Oh shush it gets even better. This weekend’s been extra lonely because of the holiday, and as we speak she’s trying to cheer me up and let me talk about what’s going on. As if she ain’t the one person I want to tell everything but can’t because it’s her and if I do I risk pushing her away and that’s exactly the opposite of what I want. She’s literally just so kind and pretty and goodness gracious my heart

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

Such a mood. I wish I had the space to collect more things but I don’t

The autistic urge to collect

What it feels like I’ve got to do just to feel decently okay about myself because life sucks sometimes. But also armor is just cool and wearing it around is fun. So there’s that aspect too. And having a cat companion (or a dog!) is just an added bonus

Literally couldn’t be me right now with my best friend who has shown me nothing but respect since I’ve met her. Sometimes I hate having feelings lol

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

@ironcastva yo this you when you talk to fey creatures? This feels like something you’d pull

"Your parents named you IRON?" Shouted the fey, while screaming in pain. "yes they did."

Ooooookay.

So this is partially the blog post I promised to my awesome mysterious tumblr mutual @lostclouds-world and partially an autism issue rant. If you don’t want to deal with that kind of stuff go ahead and skip this one.

So my friend that I’ve caught feelings for, has also told me numerous times that if I ever needed to talk that she’d listen. Well, of course I took that at face value, and because of how crappy this week has been mentally and lots of things bothering me, I finally caved and just poured it all out, including how I feel. It felt great to get everything off my chest, but I almost immediately felt like I had made some sort of mistake. It was so unfair of me to just put that all out there, even though I’d been told if I needed to I could.

Well it took almost all day for her to respond, and it turns out I was flipping right. I had once again apparently overstepped, and overshared. I had no shot to begin with, and now I’m not even sure I’ve got a friend because I was having a mini-crisis and turned to someone who had consistently told me that I could go to them if I needed to get stuff off my chest. So that’s that part. Now for the rant.

So why the flip do I even trust anyone when they say they’ll be there for me anymore? That every time someone says that if I need to talk, that they’ll listen? Pretty much every time I trust that, it turns out to be a lie. And why the flip do they try to assume that I want them to fix it?? Like if I’m talking to someone about something I don’t want them to fix it, I just want them to listen. I’m capable of dealing with crap myself, but talking it out helps. I swear sometimes I really hate being autistic because I can’t ever seem to be able to understand what people actually mean. And more importantly, why the flip do neurotypical people say things they don’t mean?? Like just say exactly what you mean, not what you think you should say. I’d have a lot more respect for people if that was how it worked.

But it’s not how it works, and so I’m stuck in a seemingly endless loop of trusting people only to be told that they’re not my therapist. Like you bitch of course you’re not my therapist. You’re my flipping friend, and YOU TOLD ME I COULD TRUST YOU IF I NEEDED TO TALK. But when I actually need to talk, it’s always either “I’m not equipped to handle this” or some variation of “I’m not your therapist”. Like cool, I wish I would’ve known you didn’t actually intend to just listen and let me rant BEFORE I came to you to rant.

And you know what, maybe it is just my fault for ranting to them in the first place. Yet when I talked to my therapist about wanting friends who will listen and be there for me while not trying to fix my problems for me, I was told BY MY THERAPIST that I needed to find friends who would do that. And how the flip am I supposed to do that without trusting my friends? I swear that I’m going to lose my mind if even one more person that tells me I can talk to them when I need to about whatever I’m going through only to turn around and act like I’m overstepping a boundary. People can really frigging suck without being a horrible person.

Like I’ve had a lot of good friends who are usually good people that I trusted only to then essentially lose them because I talk to them about whatever I’m going through, good or bad. So I’m questioning why the flip I even try to trust people anymore. Maybe it’s because I like trusting people to be good people, or maybe it’s because I can’t seem to not take people’s words at face value. Either way, it’s just another way my autism is alienating me from those close to me. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault somehow because I just trust people’s word and take them at face value. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I could just be normal and not struggle with this stupid part of living. I swear eventually the only people I will ever interact with is random people on the internet. Anyway, rant over. Thanks for coming, I’ll see y’all whenever. Hope y’all are doing better than I am

I am very conflicted.

Either I play more Nine Sols, which is a great idea™️! Cool game with fun challenging combat with a super interesting story.

OR

I play more of S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2, which is also a great idea™️! Cool game with fun challenging combat with a super immersive story.

So I have to pick to either help my boy Yi figure out to execute his plan and beat the snot out of the other Sols (as far as I know anyway), or help my other boy Skif figure out where the heck the anomaly artifact thingy that bombed his house went because gosh dang it I want that thing back from the people who stole it. It ruined his life and I want it back.

Either awesome technological world that doesn’t make a lot of sense right now because hidden story, or an awesome post-apocalyptic world that has never made any sense because radiation is a thing and that thing makes mutants and weird balls of power that do funny things.

Can you tell which one I’ve played more of recently?? Man I hate having multiple hyperfixations at the same time. Feels like I’m constantly picking favorites when I don’t even really have a favorite I just have to focus on one rather than the other.

Finally started playing Nine Sols, and while I haven’t really gotten all that far (like maybe 20 minutes in tops) I already freaking love the art direction of the game. Everything looks SO GOOD! It blows my mind every time I enter a new area how well it blends into the previous one. Also the COLORS! Everything is just so stinking good about this game so far. Here’s hoping the story continues to be good.