Ooooookay.
Ooooookay.
So this is partially the blog post I promised to my awesome mysterious tumblr mutual @lostclouds-world and partially an autism issue rant. If you don’t want to deal with that kind of stuff go ahead and skip this one.
So my friend that I’ve caught feelings for, has also told me numerous times that if I ever needed to talk that she’d listen. Well, of course I took that at face value, and because of how crappy this week has been mentally and lots of things bothering me, I finally caved and just poured it all out, including how I feel. It felt great to get everything off my chest, but I almost immediately felt like I had made some sort of mistake. It was so unfair of me to just put that all out there, even though I’d been told if I needed to I could.
Well it took almost all day for her to respond, and it turns out I was flipping right. I had once again apparently overstepped, and overshared. I had no shot to begin with, and now I’m not even sure I’ve got a friend because I was having a mini-crisis and turned to someone who had consistently told me that I could go to them if I needed to get stuff off my chest. So that’s that part. Now for the rant.
So why the flip do I even trust anyone when they say they’ll be there for me anymore? That every time someone says that if I need to talk, that they’ll listen? Pretty much every time I trust that, it turns out to be a lie. And why the flip do they try to assume that I want them to fix it?? Like if I’m talking to someone about something I don’t want them to fix it, I just want them to listen. I’m capable of dealing with crap myself, but talking it out helps. I swear sometimes I really hate being autistic because I can’t ever seem to be able to understand what people actually mean. And more importantly, why the flip do neurotypical people say things they don’t mean?? Like just say exactly what you mean, not what you think you should say. I’d have a lot more respect for people if that was how it worked.
But it’s not how it works, and so I’m stuck in a seemingly endless loop of trusting people only to be told that they’re not my therapist. Like you bitch of course you’re not my therapist. You’re my flipping friend, and YOU TOLD ME I COULD TRUST YOU IF I NEEDED TO TALK. But when I actually need to talk, it’s always either “I’m not equipped to handle this” or some variation of “I’m not your therapist”. Like cool, I wish I would’ve known you didn’t actually intend to just listen and let me rant BEFORE I came to you to rant.
And you know what, maybe it is just my fault for ranting to them in the first place. Yet when I talked to my therapist about wanting friends who will listen and be there for me while not trying to fix my problems for me, I was told BY MY THERAPIST that I needed to find friends who would do that. And how the flip am I supposed to do that without trusting my friends? I swear that I’m going to lose my mind if even one more person that tells me I can talk to them when I need to about whatever I’m going through only to turn around and act like I’m overstepping a boundary. People can really frigging suck without being a horrible person.
Like I’ve had a lot of good friends who are usually good people that I trusted only to then essentially lose them because I talk to them about whatever I’m going through, good or bad. So I’m questioning why the flip I even try to trust people anymore. Maybe it’s because I like trusting people to be good people, or maybe it’s because I can’t seem to not take people’s words at face value. Either way, it’s just another way my autism is alienating me from those close to me. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault somehow because I just trust people’s word and take them at face value. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I could just be normal and not struggle with this stupid part of living. I swear eventually the only people I will ever interact with is random people on the internet. Anyway, rant over. Thanks for coming, I’ll see y’all whenever. Hope y’all are doing better than I am
More Posts from Theanimateddragon and Others
Such a mood. I wish I had the space to collect more things but I don’t
The autistic urge to collect
The holidays are mega weird when you’re depressed. Like this Christmas season has just felt so empty and it’s not for a lack of reasons to celebrate. I’m just getting older and my brain hates existing so it just doesn’t feel the same way that I have about the holiday season in the past
Honestly same. Lowkey might start carrying stuff around to feed the crows and ravens on my college campus whenever I see them. They’re awesome
Welp. Fully moved in and unpacked. I feel strange. Though I did get to go to one of our basketball games tonight. We won, and boy do I love the student section so much already. I think I’m gonna do well here in my new world
I am very conflicted.
Either I play more Nine Sols, which is a great idea™️! Cool game with fun challenging combat with a super interesting story.
OR
I play more of S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2, which is also a great idea™️! Cool game with fun challenging combat with a super immersive story.
So I have to pick to either help my boy Yi figure out to execute his plan and beat the snot out of the other Sols (as far as I know anyway), or help my other boy Skif figure out where the heck the anomaly artifact thingy that bombed his house went because gosh dang it I want that thing back from the people who stole it. It ruined his life and I want it back.
Either awesome technological world that doesn’t make a lot of sense right now because hidden story, or an awesome post-apocalyptic world that has never made any sense because radiation is a thing and that thing makes mutants and weird balls of power that do funny things.
Can you tell which one I’ve played more of recently?? Man I hate having multiple hyperfixations at the same time. Feels like I’m constantly picking favorites when I don’t even really have a favorite I just have to focus on one rather than the other.
Been thinking of getting back into art and maybe posting some of it here. It wouldn’t be all the time, but every now and then with progress pictures and final pieces when I feel like it.
But who knows. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. We’ll see what I actually end up doing since having adhd is wild
Werewolf
That’s it. That’s the post. That’s all I got
@ironcastva yo this you when you talk to fey creatures? This feels like something you’d pull
"Your parents named you IRON?" Shouted the fey, while screaming in pain. "yes they did."
NINE SOLS SPOILERS BELOW!! They’re minor non-story spoilers, but I said I’d put a warning anyway, so turn away if you don’t want to deal with it
General Yingzhao flipping sucks coming off a long break of combat games. He’s literally the first real boss of the game and because I haven’t played a video game where parrying is a REQUIRED mechanic in almost three years my skill flipping sucks and I’ve spent a cumulative two and a half hours just trying to consistently get to phase two.
I mean I get his first phase attack pattern really well but I just can’t parry consistently enough to avoid getting absolutely combo-womboed. And when I get comboed I get flipping COMBOED and there’s just nothing I can do but take it.
I “don’t” (I actually do) look forward to the next bosses of the game because I just want my parrying ability to not suck for once lol.
This lowkey sounds angry but I genuinely am so excited for the rest of the game once I can get to it. And it’s purely because this is the first game in a long while where I’ve actually enjoyed how stinking difficult the game is. The story is still confusing for now but I’m just here for the ride with my boy Yi.
Can’t imagine how people can live their life alone as adults. Like what do you mean I can’t just call up a friend and plan an outing to get food, or watch a movie, or just hang out? What do you mean society and life in general tries to keep people apart??
As a kid I was taught that having friends and being a good friend was super important, but we all let our work and other life worries get in the way of that, so what changed? Is having friends just not actually that important?? Am I missing something or what?
OR, just maybe, it’s me. Maybe, just maybe, I haven’t found the right people yet…
Oh who am I kidding, society hates when people have social lives and friends. All of our time is supposed to be put into making money so rich people can make more money. No time for friends, we gotta spend our time wasting away either in school or at work for the establishment because otherwise it’s really freaking hard to even survive. Moreso work than schooling, since I do believe that getting an education is important, but we also gotta have a good work/life balance so we can have time to spend with our friends and families.
Anyway random thought of the morning over
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What’d you expect? A fancy cave filled with gold? Well too bad. What ya see is what ya get. Stick around a while, make yourself comfy. Absolutely no politics, idc who the crap you are. This is a safe space. We’ve got blankets, stuffed animals, and hot chocolate. Ask box is always open too
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