Late Night Post = No Thoughts Head Empty.

Given it some thought, and I think I will post some art here from time to time. But this is also just gonna stay my unhinged, incohesive, random-as-sin thoughts blog where I can just post whatever I want/been thinking about.

Anyway the hope is to have a simple piece mostly done, if not completed, by the weekend.

Little more serious post/rant today. Sorry it’s so long, I don’t feel like doing a TLDR. If you don’t want to read about mental health struggles skip this post. Hope to return to goofy dumb stuff soon.

Dealing with heartbreak sucks. I’m not a perfect person but being lied to and feeling like no one gives a crap because you’re a flawed and broken person trying to be as good as possible is one of the worst things in the world, especially when they then continue to act like nothings wrong.

What makes it worse is when I’m not entirely sure what all exactly I did wrong. I know of a few things that I’ve been working on since finding out, but I was never really given a reason as to why it all fell apart. I don’t know if it was all my fault or not and I hate that. Like I’m a deeply empathetic person and care about what those I care about think and feel. I want them to be happy. And if I make them unhappy I want to know why so I can improve myself in areas I may be lacking.

I mean, they’re my friends, family, or other loved ones. The people whose opinions I care about. But with being autistic it’s really hard to not be a people-pleaser sometimes, and sometimes I just want things to go back to how they were. But they aren’t going to and so I want to try to be better. When that’s not feasible for any reason, whether because I’m too dumb to figure out how, or people just won’t tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, it hurts like hell.

I’ve spent a good chunk of my life so far living through a personal Hell, and the only things keeping me sane is a loving family and a good therapist. I’ve been blessed with great parents, though often times they don’t know how to help. My therapist has told me that I need friends. The thing is, my friends rarely speak to me anymore, they’re always busy, and care more about their friends at college or at work. They’ve all moved on in their lives, and seem to have completely forgotten about me. And yet I can’t help but still care about them.

I live each day with crippling pain and intense loneliness and it feels like nothing ever changes socially. I can grow and improve myself all I want, but that won’t make people like me or even remember me. Because at the end of the day, I’m still an autistic, depressed freak of nature that the world and society aren’t made for. And I’ve got to live with that every day. Sometimes I grow so tired of it that I wish I was different so that I could feel accepted and wanted. So that I can feel worthy of being loved by someone else.

Oftentimes, as I’m doing things I enjoy by myself, I feel like I’d be happier spending my time with someone else. But no one cares enough to do that. Not anymore anyway. They’ve all got lives and I’m stuck unable to work while waiting for school to start. Life is lonely. One of my favorite songs, At the Risk of Feeling Dumb has the lines “At the risk of feeling dumb, check in / it’s not worth the risk of losing a friend” I wish I was worthy enough of a friend for people to check in from time to time.

But to be honest, I’ve lived this long without it, that at this point it feels like a luxury just out of my reach. There was a time I really really needed it, and didn’t receive it, and yet I’m still here. Somehow I made it on my own. I know I’m capable of doing it all on my own, but I don’t want that. I want other people to be around. I want them to want me around. And right now that’s just not really a possibility.

I’m so tired. I woke up this morning feeling really freaking depressed, and getting this all out of my head onto the one site where no one knows who I am (except of course for one person), and where next to no one reads this blog of mine, feels good.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Have a good day because you deserve it. I hope to have a more goofy, fun post out either later today or sometime tomorrow.

Don't let the woke media fool you, swords are dope af

It’d be kinda nice to actually be a real dragon. Have a “little” treasure hoard and no one questions it. Be able to fly wherever I want. Eat mass quantities of food because I can. Scare or otherwise get rid of people who annoy me or are needlessly mean or are just my enemies. I don’t know, I just think it’d be kind of neat

No. I don’t wanna. My WIP will wait for me like it always has (I’ve got serious writers block rn and am taking a break from writing)

If you don’t like me when I’m being weird, you ain’t gonna like me at all.

coming out of my cage and i been doing just bad. going back in my cage because i like my cage

I am very conflicted.

Either I play more Nine Sols, which is a great idea™️! Cool game with fun challenging combat with a super interesting story.

OR

I play more of S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2, which is also a great idea™️! Cool game with fun challenging combat with a super immersive story.

So I have to pick to either help my boy Yi figure out to execute his plan and beat the snot out of the other Sols (as far as I know anyway), or help my other boy Skif figure out where the heck the anomaly artifact thingy that bombed his house went because gosh dang it I want that thing back from the people who stole it. It ruined his life and I want it back.

Either awesome technological world that doesn’t make a lot of sense right now because hidden story, or an awesome post-apocalyptic world that has never made any sense because radiation is a thing and that thing makes mutants and weird balls of power that do funny things.

Can you tell which one I’ve played more of recently?? Man I hate having multiple hyperfixations at the same time. Feels like I’m constantly picking favorites when I don’t even really have a favorite I just have to focus on one rather than the other.

What in the fudge covered cheese cake is going on with life. I feel like I’m permanently living in a state of limbo.

Anyway what’s new with you fine folk that’ll see this?

Finally started playing Nine Sols, and while I haven’t really gotten all that far (like maybe 20 minutes in tops) I already freaking love the art direction of the game. Everything looks SO GOOD! It blows my mind every time I enter a new area how well it blends into the previous one. Also the COLORS! Everything is just so stinking good about this game so far. Here’s hoping the story continues to be good.