I'd Say You Were The One For Me, But That Would Imply There Isn't Another

Knock knock

who the fuck is it 

i just remembered one time in kindergarten i punched this girl i knew because we were drawing birds and she drew her bird with a human nose and mouth and it pissed me off so badly i went into like berserker mode

it looked like this

this one time I ran a red light on mistake and I didn’t notice it was red until it was too late so I just ran the light screeching like an angry pterodactyl the entire time

a cop was at the intersection so he pulled me over and when he came up to my window he was wheezing cause he was laughing so hard and he said

“ok so i know you ran a red light and that’s really bad and you should never do it again but i’m not gonna give you a ticket cause that was the funniest thing i’ve ever seen and my partner can’t get out of the car cause he’s laughing so hard he’s about to pee himself”

i forgot that i’d had my window open when i ran the red light and the cop told me that all he heard from my car was this really high-pitched “screeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

and that’s how i got out of getting a ticket for running a red light

I want to _____ you.

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Interesting..

This is actually super useful !!

Everyone’s like “those Germans have a word for everything” but English has a word for tricking someone into watching the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

13/10 best boi around, great wig

So I found this caterpillar on my way to class

We’re bros