We Think To Much

distant soulmate

our timelines do not cross in a million lifetimes I am here, you are there you are here, I am gone only the lonesome nights we spend on our own letting us dream of something more

how to fall in love if there is nothing to fall for? and believe me a stolen laugh is not nearly enough to call our nothingness an illusion of love

I am tired

of the numb feeling

of tiredness

which drugs

my mind

until I feel

nothing

When will appear the day where I am finally ready to open my eyes? Stop hiding from days, months, years which I apologize with "Today is just one of the other kind"

Where I will stop dividing days into "this kind" and "good kind"

Where I won't fear falling asleep because of how terrifying it feels waking up and living without changes

Where driving home won't feel like an obstacle I can't overcome but end up panicking every Sunday all over it again

Where I am ready to open my eyes and perceive the colors of the world swallow them and start to see what I am missing by holding my eyes closed

finding myself drifting to sleep in your arms knowing that waking up next to you will be a great reason to wake up for

You can’t make a home out of a person

and at the end, it’s all I wanted  to make you my home fill your body with my spirit fill my soul with your love to find me in your mirroring eyes I wanted to make a home out of you feel your presence next to mine breath your air which filled your lungs once and now fill mine

And still no matter how hard I tried  to make a home out of you to hold on to the idea of what we could be you were never mine you were never my home no matter how hard I tried because you can’t make a home out of a person

I am not ready to lose this Not ready to discover another time Another time without you I am not willing to give you up Not willing to give up love the love which felt so safe I am not prepared to let you go Not prepared to move on move on and exist on my own Exist on my own on my own my own alone

empty faces

It is another kind of heartbreak to realize that I still haven’t found the soul I am searching for in the person, I hoped so much would reflect my perception of perfection after spending so much time searching in empty faces and beliving that this one has a heart that would mirror my own Just to see they are just another empty face in the crowd of lost lovers I got lost in as well Only this time I painted their face so it is easier to pretend and hold onto something that isn’t even there It is so tiring to search without finding or find without keeping because even if they leave it wouldn’t be their missing that would hurt but knowing that nothing has changed I am still on my journey through empty faces until finding the other wanderer who searches for a face in so much emptiness as well

Your promises sweet like honey touching my lips filling my soul Let’s see  How long you can keep  your promises of love, respect and security 

You are so terrifying and beautiful to love I am so afraid and yet so full of lust Let me call your name every second of the day until it will become a second part of me

today I love you

tomorrow I hate you

next week we are forgotten

today you love me

tomorrow you miss me

next week we are forgotten