Im Consuming Book After Book So That This Chasm Inside My Chest Doesn't Drown Me. I Feel Like There's

It's all support people with ADHD until they-- act "irresponsibly", ask for "special treatment", exhibit "difficult" symptoms.

It's all support people with BPD until they--act "immature", are "too sensitive", "unnecessarily emotional"

And so much more that I don't have the energy to list.

Fuck this shit.

I've never been obedient, I hate being obedient, but now I am being so to avoid getting scolded or spoken harshly to and I feel like I'm losing parts of myself, or losing myself - I feel sick and wrong inside and terrible, horrible. This is not who I am, this is not who I want to be, this is someone else doing something to avoid feeling hurt because they're in a fucking fragile mental space and fucking hell. It's wearing on me and I honestly don't know what to do.

OPINIONS

This is kindddd of an unpopular opinion, but...

I don't really think it's "morally wrong" for straight guys to watch gxg porn and feel turned on by it, I think it's only an issue if these guys meet a wlw and ask them if they're up for a threesome or something like that because they believe a wlw's sexuality is somehow connected to them or that a wlw somehow exists to cater to their sexual fantasies. Of course I acknowledge the fact that just because straight guys watch gxg porn, it doesn't mean that they're not homophobic/biphobic. I can acknowledge both of the above at the same time - it doesn't exist in dichotomies.

There's a huge difference between the two.

I think it's important to know that there's a difference between reading a particular genre of erotica or watching a type of porn but NOT wanting to have anything to do with that in real life. And I don't think erotica/porn actually influences people in such a way to such a large extent like how most people make it out to.

Just like how, when people read or write fanfiction, though they imagine their characters to be like this person, they don't usually *_identify_* the character with the person - I think that difference is important. Like, when I read Larry fanfics, I don't identify Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson to their character, I imagine their relationship dynamic, but I don't think of real life Louis and real life Harry doing whatever it is that's written in the fanfic - except for a rare few people, literally no one does that. But a lotta people don't understand that difference and that results in them being against fanfiction altogether.

//

One thing I don't like about 'one night stand' culture is how people make it out to be "fucking and dumping" and that shouldn't be so.

Sex is a form of intimacy and we're human beings, after doing something that requires both physical and emotional effort/energy, we need to feel soft, we need to feel safe. So the cuddling after sex or the resting for some time after sex together to feel like a person who had sex with a person and not like just a toy is super important. In books, they kinda make it sound like staying till the morning after and grabbing breakfast together ruins the whole "it's an only sex relationship", when in fact people need that to not feel like they've been used, it's extremely valid. It doesn't mean they have a _romantic_ connection per say, but they do have a connection because having sex is a vulnerable thing, no matter how hard a person tries to keep emotions and feelings separate, that doesn't happen. But just because you feel emotions doesn't mean that you necessarily want to date the other person, it just means you did something intimate and meaningful together - and you can have that vaala relationship and connection with how many ever people you want. But not actually talking after or having aftercare later does affect the person's mental health.

I think that's why so many people are against one night stand/only sex culture, when instead of being against that, they should stress on the importance of aftercare and communication.

I hate the fact that I'm so fucking fragile sometimes. Like, there are days when I have no energy and I like to make those days lazy days, y'know? I feel kind of numb inside, but light, and really smol™. And on these days, if anyone says or does the tiniest little thing, I get upset. Like, today for example, my socio ma'am raised her voice a little bit at me because she was getting annoyed at our class cause we weren't responding properly, and she was like I'm not talking about that when I accidentally said the wrong thing (she didn't say it in the bad way, she's an amazing person/teacher, she's my favorite) and I felt like crying, but I held it is. And then later on my grandpa scolded me for not obeying him and waking up early AT 7 (WTF, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN), and my grandma was like you better change from tomorrow before he stops saying nicely and starts getting angry and that made me sad. And then I was in a very fragile mood so I was spending a lot of time alone with myself, and then I spent some with my cousin. And after a while I was just feeling reallyyyy tired, so I stood outside looking at the sky and zoning out and she kept pushing my back, and it hurt a bit and I told her to stop it but she kept doing it, so I felt this very flat, no energy vaala anger and I told her if she does it again I'll push her back and she'll fall down because I'm strong, and she said no I won't, I don't mind, do it and I wanted to teach her a lesson so I did and she fell on her butt, and my dad started scolding me eventhough he was watching the entire thing. And that just added on to my fragile vaala mood, but I could control my tears and so I turned around to stare at the sky again after apologizing to her. But she started doing it again and I got upset and I stormed into my room and started crying. I feel so pathetic because I'm so fucking sensitive. Like, no person is this sensitive. WTF is wrong with me. A few days ago, there was this huge conflict at home, and just, I dunno. Whatever. I'm a bad person and I deserve to die.

difference between shipping and queerbaiting, you ask?

Drarry = Shipping

Sterek = Queerbaiting

I feel so much, s9 fucking much pain a n d I'm sobbing and I'n literally duckubf PRAYING TO GOD FOR THIS TO SYOP PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE BPD IS THE FUCKING WORST IT'S 2 25 AM AND I'M SLEEPING BETWEEN MY MOM AND GRANDMA AND I'M PULLING MY JAIR AND THE EMOTIONAL PAIN IS too MUCH I CAN'T EVEN GO AND FUCKING SRLF HARM RNNN

*Warning* for sanism - super hurtful/offensive stuff about people with mental illnesses

um, I just had this huge argument with my uncle about mental illnesses and terms used to refer to people with mental illnesses (in our native language - an offensive word), which are offensive and have a negative connotation and he treated the entire thing like a joke, spoke over me, said people with mental illnesses don't know best for themselves because they're not in their senses/not normal and then when I said you should use compassionate tersm, he said that no matter what words we use to refer to "them" it doesn't change the fact that they're cr*zy (translation of a Malayalam term), and then he walked away in the middle laughing and saying that I can say whatever I want - and right now I'm shaking with anger, my enthure body is vibrating and my eyes are tearing up and fuck my fingers are shaking it takes so much effort to type and I don't know how to deal with thjs. When I asked him if he's the one learning for psychology or I am, he said he knows the same things I do because he talks to people who're crazy for his cases (he's a lawyer btw) and he kept repeating that split personality is the same as bipolar disorder and when I said people with bipolar disorder don't agree with it/it isn't the right term, he did and said the above things and duck. He's treating it like a fucking fun debate topic while I'm shaking and trying not to cry in my room

I couldn't even make my argument properly because I kept shaking and I was speechless and my heart was on overdrive

And then then my grandma to came to ask me if I wanted to come out and I told her how I didn't and how it wasn't a fun topic that he was treated it like one and that it's something that affects people and its serious, she kept backing away and saying ya ya I was just asking, it's okay, it's okay and then she left without even acknowledginh what I saying like fuck

privileged people really do be petty and ignorant, honesty though. there's some message going around about how the farmers protesting are rich and now people are pissed off that they're protesting, as if being rich somehow negates their social standing; same can be applied for Savarnas who're pissed that rich marginalised caste ka people avail caste based reservations: as if people who are marginalised should stay marginalised and even the tiniest hint of not suffering as much as they expected them to be suffering warrants backlash and finger pointing. being rich is in no way related to how they still face prejudice and unfair treatment because of which group they belong to. and why the fuck do they care that the farmers are rich???? so fucking what???? how does that negate their right to protest against something that's going to affect them, that's going to overturn their means of livelihood? what makes them think that they get to have a say in matters which are none of their business? quite literally so. why do privileged people think that rights and concessions for one particular marginalised group is somehow going to affect their privileged social standing? it makes absolutely no sense. URGH

I wanna bitch slap my roommate