Thanatophobia Thoughtdump

“Don’t you get it? I love you, I always have. So please… just this once… stay.”

“You love me?… I love you too.”

“Born from you, but led by me!”

Soooooo, essentially you just had thousands of children together 0-0

Season 5 - Adora’s Sexuality Arc

So forgive me if other people have already done this to death (I’ve been meaning to write this for a couple of days but iron deficiency has left me exhausted), but I just wanted to talk about the way in which season 5 handled Adora’s sexuality.

The way in which it was handled was both so subtle and so explicit at the same time and I’ve never seen something handled in such a mature, natural fashion.

From just the small glimpse of their world we’re given, homophobia doesn’t appear to be a thing that exists. However this doesn’t mean that it’s all clear-sailing for any of them when it comes to sexuality.

In Adora’s case, she was raised in an environment in which she was expected to excel and lead, without any real regard for her own wants and desires.

Needless to say, it didn’t set her up with the best support system. Despite Shadow Weaver essentially being her mother, it doesn’t seem likely that even Adora could have gone to her about anything that might have been going on in her head.

Even upon leaving the Horde, Adora’s emotional needs still aren’t met. Despite building herself a good support system (or rather the support system built itself around her), she still struggles to act selfishly in any situation and no one around her can empathise fully with what she’s been through.

Even into season 5, Adora describes herself as a “punch your feelings out” kind of person.

Which indicates that she doesn’t really talk about her problems and instead chooses to get on with what she believes she needs to do.

To me, this gives the impression that Adora had never really thought about her sexuality before and had never been able to think about what, or who, she wants. (Even if some of the looks she gave girls throughout the series tell a story of their own!)

Central to the season was Adora’s inconsistency with her ability to become She-Ra. At first, it might have seemed that She-Ra would come to her when she really needed her, but quite quickly throughout the season this is put into uncertainty.

However, there is one variable that is usually present when she is able to transform into She-Ra; Catra.

Unsurprising? Yes.

The first time she was able to transform again, it was out of her need to protect Catra. And, in many ways, this was her first real selfish move. After all, many Etherians really wouldn’t be too bothered if Catra made it out alive, given what she’s done in the past.

Even Bow and Glimmer, who trust Adora, probably struggled to understand why she cares so much for Catra, despite everything she’s done to them. That is until they see her holding her.

I feel like this is when it began to click for both Bow and Glimmer. That Catra is Adora’s sense of stability, and that she holds an important place in her heart.

The entire season, Adora is constantly asked what she wants, and she’s never able to give a complete answer. It’s always “I need to do this.”, never “I want to do this.”.

For a while with Catra back in her life, her abilities as She-Ra return, but Shadow Weaver is constantly there to stick an unwanted spanner in the works.

Whatever progress Adora might have made in figuring out her feelings towards Catra begin sliding backwards as Shadow Weavers words sink in. Even if she doesn’t trust Shadow Weaver, her word is still something she grew up on, and for her mother figure to tell her she’s confused, it certainly adds to her feelings of self-doubt.

It is clear by this point that Catra already knows how she feels about Adora (even if she might not know how to process it) and so this separation in understanding further expands the rift between the two of them, which leads in turn to She-Ra drifting further and further away.

During her struggle, we see Mara tell Adora that she’s also deserving of love and that she shouldn’t self sacrifice so much.

But even that doesn’t truly reach her in the way it needs to.

It isn’t until Catra’s confession that we get to see Adora finally allow herself something.

The kiss between them wasn’t just magical because of the love behind it, but also because it displays the moment that Adora accepts her own wants and needs. And it’s through that level of love and self-understanding that She-Ra returns.

This scene shows a different kind of confidence than has previously been seen in earlier seasons. Whereas before her confidence as She-Ra seemed a lot to do with her physical strength, this confidence seems to come from within.

From self-content.

And for someone like Adora, who always seems to need to be doing something for a greater cause, her calmness at the end of the war is a perfect conclusion to her self-acceptance.

And then, at the end, she has Catra, and she’s not ashamed by people knowing. She finally allows herself to be selfish and in love.

(Sorry if this makes no sense, it’s really late and I should be asleep 😴 but I just thought that the series handled this really beautifully.)

You coming?

It’s happening ✨

So far I’ve almost finished the base dress which I will then sew the gold sections onto.

Before I do that, I am going to take the dress in at the waist a little more (as it is slightly too big (my mum thinks it’s fine but I hate things hanging loosely around my waist)).

I’ll also make the cape before I do the gold (so I don’t have to change thread 😅).

For fabric I ended up going with cheap-and-cheerful economy satin. It’s a little shinier than I wanted, but crepe-back satin is £7.99 a metre (x115cm) and this stuff is £2.99 a metre (x150cm), which I think explains it.

I could have also turned the fabric inside out to use the dulled side, but I wanted the shine for the gold and didn’t really want shiny stuff on the inside next to my skin😖.

For the back I only opened it up to the braline, because I don’t hate myself that much and quite frankly I can’t go braless.

I’ve also been taking some footage of the making of this dress, so that I can make myself a little “the making of” video 🥰.

Adora’s Future Ball Dress

I’ve decided that one of my next sewing projects will be this dress.

Whether this is a good idea or not, only time will tell.

However, I was wondering if any other cosplayers or sewers had any advice as to what fabric would be best.

Right now I’m thinking crepe-back satin as it has a gentle shine, a nice texturised finish and would look right for the gold sections.

However, it also has a one-way stretch to it, which I think could be helpful in a dress like this, but having worked with it a couple of times now I know that it’s a little bit volatile 😰.

There’s also the matter of needing a lining in order to get the sweetheart neckline.

I also plan on only making the back open down to the braline as I want to have as much comfort in this as possible.

Anyway this might sound just like ramblings and thoughts but I was wondering if anyone had any fabric ideas or thoughts ✨

“May I just say, you are quite lovely in a crisis.”

“No, you may not!”

I’m screaming 😂

Some of my story

When I was 8 years old the seeds were planted for my mental issues. By the age of 10 they were truly making themselves known in behavioural difficulties. At 12 I was given counselling for communicational management. When I was 13 that turned into visits to an NHS psychiatrist and psychologist to sort out my depression, anxiety, disordered eating, body image issues and suicidal thoughts.

It took a while but I made it back to feeling good. My anxiety persisted somewhat, but the depression was pretty much gone.

But then, last month, with me being now 17, the anxiety came back in full force worse than it’s ever been before. My doctor even wanted to prescribe me medication. I lost half a stone (7 pounds) in 10 days, lost so much sleep and woke up in cold sweats every night, and I even had to have a blood test to confirm that nothing was wrong.

But the reason for this would have shocked 13 year old me.

It was because I developed a debilitating fear of death and dying. I realised how much I love being alive and how much I haven’t been able to do yet.

I may be afraid, and I may have been miserable for weeks at a time, wondering if I should just quicken up the process (since you can’t be afraid of something that’s already happened, especially not something like that), but it has also inspired me. 

I’ve taken up walking (WALKING), both alone and with friends. I even now have a couple of friends I’m going to go walking with every weekend. And, hopefully, soon I should be able to begin enjoying my ballet lessons again.

I’ve also made huge progress with my body image. This month has made me more comfortable with what I’ve been given. Soon, I’ll hopefully be happy again.

Times may be hard, but if you stay with yourself long enough to see the other side of it, you may just surprise yourself.

Recovery is hard, recovery can be slow, but recovery is worth it. It may not be the only time you have to recover but that’s just going to be another chapter.

And this post may be the most ramble-y mess I’ve ever written, but I feel like some people need to hear that they deserve to tell the world their entire story, not just a couple of chapters.

Genuinely one of the games that made my childhood (and I was a few years late to it).

I played the ranger series when I was like 10 in around 2012 and it seriously changed the course of my writing abilities so much!

Not to mention the fan fiction community was so active for years! The retellings of the game were so well thought out and amazing.

I loved Shadows of Almia so much I bought a second copy to replay as many times as I wanted (because I really cared about keeping that first play through file for some reason 😅). So I’ve played it about 6 times now...

Alright guys. Best video game ever made:

Pokémon Ranger: Shadows Of Almia (2008)

a summary of the consequences of my life because I read percy jackson

“I KNOW!”

She’s finally snapping Y E S