The Batman Everyone 😭

the batkids are strong in their own rights. they're used to protecting their friends and loved ones. they are the protective one in their teams.

however, whenever Bruce is around, all of a sudden they became kittens held by the mother. all those protective instincts? gone. they are now with their father and their job is to duck or satay away or run to safety when instructed. jumping in front of harm's way? that's dad's job. them's the rules.

Definitely eats crayola crayons (except the black ones tho, those ones are nasty)

@ all my moots join in!!

New REBLOG Game

Just fucking lie about the previous poster

I am still waiting, Hishe…

Kal: Bruce, there you are — what in the world?

Bruce: Hey Kal.

Kal: Who are all these kids?!

Bruce: My Bat Family. I’m a dad now.

Kal: Since when?!

Bruce: Since 1940. Try to keep up.

Kal: I thought it was just the one! Hi, Nightwing.

Dick: Hi Superman! Yeah, I have siblings now.

Kal: And how’s that working out?

Dick: Most of us have died at least once.

Kal: …What?

Bruce: Hey Kal, check it out. This one’s super smart, and we have matching coffee mugs.

Tim: :)

Bruce: This one…

Cass: …

Bruce: Actually, this one scares me. And this one glows in the dark! Heheh!

Duke: :D

Kal: I can see that…

Damian: Father, I’m hungry. When are we having dinner?

Bruce: How many criminals have you caught today?

Damian: *holds up three villains* Is this sufficient?

Bruce: Eh, it’s good enough. Here. *tosses him a tofu hotdog, like just the dog part* Keep working on it. Three more and you get the bun.

Kal: *horrified silence*

Dick: Hmph! When I was Robin, I could catch at least five criminals before dinner.

Tim: Oh my gosh, Dick, no one cares!

Jason: No one cares about anything in this stinkin’ family. Where were you all when I died, huh?!

Everyone: *groan*

Damian: Quit being such a drama queen, Todd! It’s not like losing your life is the end of the world!

Tim: Yeah!

Damian: You shut up. The only thing you’ve ever lost is your spleen.

Duke: And his parents.

Everyone except Damian: *parental trauma* AH!

Bruce: I told you never to mention that!

Kal: I can’t believe what I’m watching… Does Alfred know about this?!

Bruce: Yeah, totally, he’s cool with it.

Kal: *narrowing his eyes* I have a very hard time believing that.

Bruce: Well, he works for me, so shut up.

Kal: What about Catwoman?! Does Catwoman know about this?!

Bruce: *nervous* Um… well…

Damian: *suspicious* Who’s Catwoman?

Bruce: *very nervous* No one.

Dick: Oh, he is so dating Catwoman!

Tim: Why didn’t you tell us?!

Jason: What if we don’t want a step-mom, huh?!

Bruce: Woah, hold on now —

Duke: Look, you’re upsetting Batgirl!

Cass: …

Bruce: Alright, that’s enough! We’re not gonna talk about this anymore! Because —

Everyone: *annoyed* — you’re Batman!

Bruce: No! Because I said so! …And also, yes, because I’m Batman! Cause Batman says so!

Kal: *smirking* More like because you’re Bat-Dad.

Bruce: >:(

Kal: And hey, where’s Barbara? I thought she was Batgirl?

Bruce: *nervous* She was…

Kal: …Bruce, what did you do?

Dick: Oh, don’t worry, Superman, Barbara’s fine.

Kal: Oh, thank goodness.

Jason: She’s just paralysed from the waste down.

Kal: Bruce!

Bruce: It wasn’t my fault! She’s not even technicially my kid!

Kal: Bruce…

Bruce: Oh, don’t you “Bruce” me. I’ll “Bruce” you… “Bruce” you in the face.

Kal: Okay, that’s it, you are not allowed to find any more sidekicks starting right now!

Bruce: *holding up Harper* What about this one?

Kal: No!

Bruce: *holding up Spoiler* This one still has a parent — I can just be a mentor.

Kal: No!

Bruce: Well, gee, Kal, what am I supposed to do with all the orphans in Gotham, then, huh?!

Kal: Do you hear yourself right now?

Bruce: I have a system, Kal!

Kal: That’s it! There’s only way to solve this!

*Superman grabs Batman, and they fly off*

*Batman then appears on the couch in Therapist Spider-Man’s office from Across the Spider-Verse*

Therapist Spider-Man: Would you say you carry any trauma from your childhood?

Batman: *leans over* Do I have a story for you.

“Girls want a Superman, but they walk past a Clark Kent every day”

You fuckin CLOWNS think you’re a CLARK KENT? Not on my fuckin watch. You dumb, headass motherfuckers are barely a Guy Gardner and you think you’re a CLARK KENT? The amount of disrespect is unreal.

Epic! AU but... But it's Batman.

Batman is Ody, duh.

Either Selina or Talia is Penelope, take your pick. Personally prefer Talia, but make your cup of tea however you like it.

(Though Talia as Circe/ Calypso is also a solid win.)

Bruce's crew can be the Justice League... They all di--

The gods stay because they're canon in the DC universe.

Telemachus though? Oh... Oh... HAHAHAHA--

---

Siren: Come play with me and our daughters!

Bruce:

Bruce: My real wife knows I have only ONE DAUGHTER AND FIVE SONS--

---

Bruce, about to leave for war, holding all six of his smol children: I don't have enough hands...

---

The suitors (probably the rogues lets be fr): I heard the prince is on a diplomatic mission--

Other rogue: Which one?

First rogue: Uh... The small one.

Another suitor: There's like, two small ones.

Other rogue: And has anyone seen the princess???

Cass, who's been being trained in secret by Athena, watching them closely: •-•

---

Jason, pointing at a picture of Bruce: That b!tch is dead!

Bruce from the shadows:

Tim: No, he's not! I WENT ON A F%#&$% BOAT AND EVERYTHING JASON, DO YOU KNOW HOW SEA SICK I GOT!? I WENT AND SAW OTHER KINGS AND S%@&!!! HE'S ALIVE!!!

Dick: It's been twenty years--

Damian: Mother believes he's living.

Tim: Listen here, energy drinks haven't been invented yet and I am THIS CLOSE!

Duke: I'm with Tim. No way did he die.

Cass: He cannot die.

Jason: I'm so done with this family...

Dick: Shouldn't you be the first to believe in coming back from the dead?

Jason: Oh, I believe he's come back, but THEY'RE NOT ADMITTING HE DIED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

---

Bruce, to Talia: Will you fall in love with me again?

Talia, gently cupping his cheek:

Talia: You committed murder?

Bruce, with shame: Yes...

Talia: Bed. Now.

---

ALTERNATIVELY:

Bruce, to Selina: Will you fall in love with me again?

Selina, inhaling sharply: I've been waiting TWENTY YEARS, Bruce--

---

Bruce, back from war, trying to hold all of his grown children: I don't have enough hands...

---

BONUS:

Bruce: So, what have I missed?

Dick: Oh, uh...

Jason: I died and came back to life.

Tim: I have a boyfriend. He worships Dionysus.

Damian: I befriended the deceased Kent's youngest.

Duke: I don't need to answer that question.

Cass: Received training from your old mentor.

---

people say the Brucie Wayne persona isn’t believable but if I caught Bruce Wayne drunkenly lying under a desk in an office he shouldn’t have access to with a ream of secure documents and he replied to my “Mr. Wayne?” with “Mr. Wayne was my father—oh god, my father” and then started sobbing, I would 100% back away and leave him alone. like that shit would work on me every time.

Kay well I started it impulsively and I need feedback

Unnamed WIP

The league sat at the round table, the current active members watching as Batman went through what seemed like yet another presentation. One had to wonder where the hell he was getting them from, they were awfully detailed and usually meant to aid in his lecturing. Hal, having checked himself out of the meeting twenty minutes ago, constructed a small yo-yo that he rolled about in the air next to him. Barry and Clark both found themselves watching the yo-yo. Although Clark at the very least, pretended to pay attention to the man at the head of the table.

Batman, watching the three as they did just about everything but paying attention to him, rolled his eyes. Only to remember that they couldn’t see him do as such under the cowl. Fighting the urge to run a hand through his undoubtedly greasy hair he cleared his throat. Opting to capture their attention instead. Folding his arms and shifting his stars he narrowed his eyes at the three men. They could play with Hal’s damn ring after the meeting. It wasn’t like it’s go anywhere. Unlike Bruce who was ready to book it to the zeta tubes as soon as this meeting was to end.

“I didn’t realize that mission debriefs were that unimportant gentleman.”

Barry was the first to react, stiffening as he snapped his neck over in Bruce’s direction. Leaving the bat to wonder briefly if it pained the speedster to move that quickly unprovoked. Clark was second, he couldn’t help the sheepish grin he gave the bat when he got caught. He knew the importance of their mission debriefings, but that didn’t make Bruce’s portions any less mind numbing. Hal, being the usual nuisance that he was, found that messing with Bruce was just a little more fun than actually listening.

“Sorry spooky. It’s just that you're not very good at keeping it short and sweet.”

Bruce fights the desire to roll his eyes, he could keep things short and sweet. But he chose not to, he preferred to make sure all the important details were in place as they should be. God forbid he left something out and one of these idiots decided that specific part was the most important thing ever to the current debrief case file.

So what’re we thinking so far? Ass or nah

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