Wish I Was Able To Understand Myself

“I have thoughts in my head that can never be spoken.”

They’re destroying me

One day this will kill me and I can't wait for that day to come.

I need new haters, the old ones fell in love with me

Am I really that bad

You say I'm worthless

That's what makes me sad

And I think you're right

You're soo great

You want me to be like you

But I know, I'm just a brat

I can never be like you

Cause I'm me and you're you

Not even a day goes without a fight

You don't even know the shit you say

Makes me wanna explode like a dynamite

That is what makes my mind and heart shut tight

I just wanna cry

And want you to comfort me

But you don't even seem to try

You just let it be

You always make me sad

Only because you're mad

But I guess, I'm really that bad.

Do you know

I’m not me anymore

There’s nothing left to live for

You say you know everything

But why does it fails when it comes to me

Do you know

Even I don’t know who I am anymore

My brain is is slowly killing me

And I’m just letting it be

And my body is begging for me survive

But what if I don’t want to 

To be called all these names

To be ashamed of myself

To HATE myself

Do you know

Your words are like knives in my heart

And these knives are tearing me apart

You took my innocence away

But for you it was just a play

Can you stop

Please STOP

Cause I don’t think I can fight anymore

Fernando Pessoa, from Un Soir à Lima; A Little Larger Than the Entire Universe: Selected Poems (tr. by Richard Zenith)    

“Trust me when I tell you: The most beautiful eyes have cried the most. The happiest smile was sad all along. & the coldest person felt the most.”

— The Poetic Boy