We’re Talking Again. Although I No Longer Have Feelings For You, I Don’t Know What I Should Do. The

don’t tell me pretty lies and try to hold me like i’m yours.

— all i really needed from you weren’t pretty words, it was your honesty.

marina grace

i’m scared. i’m scared of the dark. i’m scared of monsters under my bed. i’m scared of public speaking. i’m scared of seeing my friends fought for something so meaningless that our friendship broke along with it. funny that i’ve always been scared of little things and you, my best friend, told me that the scariest thing in the world is never scary and i didn’t believe you but you hugged me and told me it was okay to be scared because you’ll always be here for me. and then we grew up and you found new friends and a line of people waiting to date you and left me all alone with bad excuses because we both knew you couldn’t lie. and we drifted further apart and i stared at my phone that night, wanting to call you but didn’t, watching it slowly turn to weeks then months then years. i did some self healing then and when i saw your name on my screen for the first time in forever, i was reluctant to pick up. i did anyways, not because i wanted to renewed our already damaged friendship but because in the span of a few years, i’ve grown to move forward and stop living in the past. but from your call, i can hear the sound of loud music blasting in the back, the conversation between strangers next to you and your friends cheering and yelling and swearing. you told me you were sorry and that you still regret ending our friendship so harshly but i told you it was okay and take care of yourself because i realise now that while i worked hard to move forward, you’re still stuck in the past.

— like you said, the scariest thing in the world is never scary but the things you thought weren’t scary are.

marina grace

as a child, our parents’ hands were our comfort, the reason why we’re holding on. as a child, a hug can say all the words needed to be said and a gentle push to another child standing with their parents was a kind message that it’s okay to seek comfort in someone else, that it’s perfectly fine to depend on others for happiness too. as a child, so many little, yet simple things can bring out a smile. perhaps nowadays these little joys aren’t joys anymore. we grew up and we start looking for bigger, better things. perhaps a hug seems like a chore now. perhaps making friends is no longer for the purpose of seeking comfort. perhaps our parents’ hands is no longer the reason we’re holding on. but please remember that all these little things were once simple joys that bring children like you happiness, that’s not something you can take back.

— simple joys our parents gave to us as a child.

marina grace

there are more i wish you would say, more words spoken, more actions done and more truths told rather than sad excuses.

— your lack of words is my reminder of why i couldn’t stay.

marina grace

until dawn, i will wait. under stars and midnight clouds, under bright moon and fading sun. i will wait until dawn, until the very first light peeks through the sky. i will wait for the time when yesterday is no longer yesterday but when yesterday becomes today.

— until dawn, i will wait.

marina grace

what would you do when you realise i no longer like you? when, instead of my attention being immediately on to you, i’m too busy with other things to care about someone that used to matter—and instead of trying to talk to you, trying to see you, staying up longer just to have your time, i’m actually just doing my own thing, caring about myself, no longer trying, no longer doing absolutely everything just to be by your side.

— how would you feel when the waves of my heart stop flowing towards you?

marina grace

i’m sorry we haven’t been in touch for years. i’m sorry that i didn’t text you back when you asked me if i wanted to meet up that one time. i guess i am a coward, but it’s not like i don’t want to reconcile when it’s all that i have ever dreamed of since the day we parted. i didn’t mean to give up on us — but somehow, the thought of reconciling is like damaging all the fond memories i ever have of you, and i’d rather live in the past then be disappointed by the present.

— to me, old memories of you are better kept that way.

marina grace

i told you i wouldn’t care, i said it in my head and i meant it. too many chances i have given you only to be left disappointed in the end. it doesn’t matter if i didn’t tell you what was wrong then, because i don’t need you to change to become the person i’m looking for. no, i need more that that. i don’t need a pretender. i deserve a partner who naturally suits me. love shouldn’t be hard. and if you’d cared a little more, pay a little more attention to me, to what i care about, i wouldn’t have to tell you when something’s wrong. even if you didn’t know, you would’ve asked, you would’ve noticed. and to me, that makes a world of difference.

— do you know why i left you behind? if you don’t have the courage to ask me why, i’m better off with someone else.

marina grace

if you don’t care, just don’t say anything. i don’t need your polite excuse or your fake sympathy. i don’t need your waning attention. i don’t need you to ask me how i’m doing if you can’t even pretend to attentively listen to me. don’t pretend to be my friend. don’t try to be my lover. your insincerity is showing, and i’d hate to see that as your true colours.

— don’t make me despise you even more than i do now, you’ve already tainted what’s left of all our good memories.

marina grace

I will never let anyone bring me down, and I hope you all can say this with me too. Life has given you many encounters with so many people from all walks of life. Some were good encounters, some were mean and downright embarrassing. Some left you flustered and some left you lingering for more. But regardless of which specific emotions they made you felt, they affected you in some way. Comments may have dug at your self-worth, words that may have dismissed or invalidate your feelings, hidden jealousy or envy that seemingly “good” people hide. They all amount to something, and they might’ve even brought you down, pressured you, saddened you. But now, you’ve come out of it, stronger, better, wiser. Don’t let the past grip you tight. If you remember past pains, past hurt, let it be your wisdom, not your wound. Some people may have brought you down, but that’s exactly why it is to never happen again. That’s why it is necessary that you repeat to yourself: no one can hurt me, no one can bring me down. And remind yourself that you are wise enough to know when to leave, wise enough to know when to stand up for yourself, and wise enough to know at first glance that they are not your people and you will not let them become someone who can hurt you.