I Told You I Wouldn’t Care, I Said It In My Head And I Meant It. Too Many Chances I Have Given You

there are more i wish you would say, more words spoken, more actions done and more truths told rather than sad excuses.

— your lack of words is my reminder of why i couldn’t stay.

marina grace

you were a puzzle, an endless maze i entangled myself with. i thought i didn’t understand you because you were so unpredictable, that i have to keep figuring you out to truly know you. but the more i tangled with you, the more you slowly let me in. that was when i realised that all along, i was wrong. you weren’t a puzzle at all. i just needed you to be you with me.

— to me, you were a maze but when i’m with you, i felt like i’ve known you for a million years.

marina grace

make a wish, angel. sing it to the stars. dance it to the moon. you are all things beloved, stardust and sea sand. your wish will be fulfilled, your desires will come true. new year is the beginning of your very best life, if it hasn’t started already. nothing and no one can stop you from getting what you want—and everything you want is what you deserve. don’t forget, you are not just another human on earth, you are everything someone could love…

— you are life reincarnated, the goddess’s creation, the universe’s beloved child.

marina grace

i wish to take you somewhere safe, somewhere far away from bad things and bad people who want to hurt you. i wish to take away your pain and that numb feeling in your chest when your friends and their parents walked pass you. i know i may not be your lover nor someone you’d consider close but is it wrong to want to help? is it wrong to not want to be that someone that sees someone else’s pain and doesn’t do anything about it? because i didn’t once and that person grew up to be someone they never thought they’ll be. is it even wrong to wish it would be different with you?

— you don’t deserve to become someone you don’t want to be because of the bad situations in your life.

marina grace

you are the prize. and if no one has ever tell you that, you are the prize. your worth is not dependent on what other people say about you. your worth is what you are from the moment you were born. you were put this earth to be loved. you deserve the very best things in life. you deserve unconditional love. if there’s someone out there who isn’t treating you like the prize that you are, why are you with them? because they’ve done absolutely nothing to show you that they deserve you. if anything, they are telling you just how little worth they see in you right now, they are telling you that you have no good future with them, at least never a future where they are treating you well and giving you everything that you deserve. if you wouldn’t want to give someone else a future like that, why would you want that for yourself?

— if you see yourself as the prize that you are, would you really stay with someone who tells you you’re not?

don’t delude yourself, you know you wouldn’t hesitate to walk away.

marina grace

one day i’m missing you, the next i don’t even care if you’d call or text my phone. even if i don’t want to, i’d often find myself thinking about you, wondering why you didn’t text, why you don’t ever call, wondering if you miss me, wondering if you’d ever man up and say what’s on your mind. these thoughts are incessant at first, fresh after our last meeting—and then it slowly wane as i forget why i was ever hung up on you—i forget why i wanted to call you mine.

— the pull was strong when we were together but just like you, i’m better off forgetting this feeling than to keep on hoping you’ll become someone i could call my own.

marina grace

i find it so ironic that after a year, you contacted me first. it was something so insignificant, just a video from our past. and yet here i was antagonising having to be the first one to reach out between us. and no, we’re not fighting, we never were—but in my head, when i decided to ghost you last year, i knew i was better off than to keep hoping for something i wasn’t even sure i want. i did it for me and i never regretted it even though sometimes i’d wonder if you wish you did more than this, try more than me.

— anyways it doesn’t matter now that a year has gone by. without you, i let myself grow into someone better. i’ve found many people who are better, and i’m more sure now than ever that i deserve someone better. thank you for reaching out to me first, even if it was over something so insignificant, i guess it won’t hurt to send you a message in reply after all.

marina grace

what would you do when you realise i no longer like you? when, instead of my attention being immediately on to you, i’m too busy with other things to care about someone that used to matter—and instead of trying to talk to you, trying to see you, staying up longer just to have your time, i’m actually just doing my own thing, caring about myself, no longer trying, no longer doing absolutely everything just to be by your side.

— how would you feel when the waves of my heart stop flowing towards you?

marina grace

we’re talking again. although i no longer have feelings for you, i don’t know what i should do. the friendship we once had is still one i remember well—our good conversations, the way you made me laugh, i didn’t forget it all. i don’t try to remember it but it was good while it lasted, and i’m okay with the way we are now. talking to you again just leaves me torned between keeping you for the sake of our friendship and cutting you off for the relationship i used to hope we would someday have and now no longer want.

— is it finally time to let you go? i know i’ll see you again someday, but it won’t be on our own accord. that’s not the kind of relationship we have. not talking to you or the opposite doesn’t really matter much. i don’t want anything more for us but it doesn’t change the nature of our relationship… we’re still friends after all.

i’m sorry we haven’t been in touch for years. i’m sorry that i didn’t text you back when you asked me if i wanted to meet up that one time. i guess i am a coward, but it’s not like i don’t want to reconcile when it’s all that i have ever dreamed of since the day we parted. i didn’t mean to give up on us — but somehow, the thought of reconciling is like damaging all the fond memories i ever have of you, and i’d rather live in the past then be disappointed by the present.

— to me, old memories of you are better kept that way.

marina grace