Until Dawn, I Will Wait. Under Stars And Midnight Clouds, Under Bright Moon And Fading Sun. I Will Wait

there are more i wish you would say, more words spoken, more actions done and more truths told rather than sad excuses.

— your lack of words is my reminder of why i couldn’t stay.

marina grace

you were a puzzle, an endless maze i entangled myself with. i thought i didn’t understand you because you were so unpredictable, that i have to keep figuring you out to truly know you. but the more i tangled with you, the more you slowly let me in. that was when i realised that all along, i was wrong. you weren’t a puzzle at all. i just needed you to be you with me.

— to me, you were a maze but when i’m with you, i felt like i’ve known you for a million years.

marina grace

you were blue but you were beautiful, the kind of beautiful that rip my heart inside out and the kind of blue that left me drowning in the tears you’ve shed when you thought no one was watching. i thought you were so extraordinary, that you painted such a lovely shade around things and people could only glimpse at you in awe, watching that beautiful blue spread everywhere and leave traces all over the place, blue that tipped from sky to sea and it was all you because that blue was the only colour you could paint, that this world made you blue and you were so colour deficient that blue is the only thing you could give to people like us, people with colours. i’m just sorry i didn’t realise you needed saving until that blue is gone and the blue i’m left with were no longer extraordinary but the kind of blue that empties out all my colours and leave everyone wondering how i became the blue you used to be.

— you painted the world blue and when you left, i became the same blue you spread, empty but beyond beautiful.

marina grace

what would you do when you realise i no longer like you? when, instead of my attention being immediately on to you, i’m too busy with other things to care about someone that used to matter—and instead of trying to talk to you, trying to see you, staying up longer just to have your time, i’m actually just doing my own thing, caring about myself, no longer trying, no longer doing absolutely everything just to be by your side.

— how would you feel when the waves of my heart stop flowing towards you?

marina grace

i wish to take you somewhere safe, somewhere far away from bad things and bad people who want to hurt you. i wish to take away your pain and that numb feeling in your chest when your friends and their parents walked pass you. i know i may not be your lover nor someone you’d consider close but is it wrong to want to help? is it wrong to not want to be that someone that sees someone else’s pain and doesn’t do anything about it? because i didn’t once and that person grew up to be someone they never thought they’ll be. is it even wrong to wish it would be different with you?

— you don’t deserve to become someone you don’t want to be because of the bad situations in your life.

marina grace

i’m sorry we haven’t been in touch for years. i’m sorry that i didn’t text you back when you asked me if i wanted to meet up that one time. i guess i am a coward, but it’s not like i don’t want to reconcile when it’s all that i have ever dreamed of since the day we parted. i didn’t mean to give up on us — but somehow, the thought of reconciling is like damaging all the fond memories i ever have of you, and i’d rather live in the past then be disappointed by the present.

— to me, old memories of you are better kept that way.

marina grace

as a child, our parents’ hands were our comfort, the reason why we’re holding on. as a child, a hug can say all the words needed to be said and a gentle push to another child standing with their parents was a kind message that it’s okay to seek comfort in someone else, that it’s perfectly fine to depend on others for happiness too. as a child, so many little, yet simple things can bring out a smile. perhaps nowadays these little joys aren’t joys anymore. we grew up and we start looking for bigger, better things. perhaps a hug seems like a chore now. perhaps making friends is no longer for the purpose of seeking comfort. perhaps our parents’ hands is no longer the reason we’re holding on. but please remember that all these little things were once simple joys that bring children like you happiness, that’s not something you can take back.

— simple joys our parents gave to us as a child.

marina grace

finally i’m doing something good. finally it’s me over everyone else. for so long, it was easy to be anyone else in the world, to say yes to everyone else but myself. it was so easy it was subconsciously done. i didn’t even realise just how much i was hiding, how much shame i didn’t want to show. worse, it was loud. the shame was so loud i couldn’t even swallow it whole. and finally i could recognise it in myself. finally i stop trying to swallow it down. finally i’m not scared to choose me.

— i’m not going to apologise for saying no. if anything, i bravely say yes. i’m saying yes to myself, to who i am, to a life without shame and fear. my dear, you’re good enough, you’re doing enough. you can choose yourself and still have the whole world in the palms of your hands.

marina grace

I will never let anyone bring me down, and I hope you all can say this with me too. Life has given you many encounters with so many people from all walks of life. Some were good encounters, some were mean and downright embarrassing. Some left you flustered and some left you lingering for more. But regardless of which specific emotions they made you felt, they affected you in some way. Comments may have dug at your self-worth, words that may have dismissed or invalidate your feelings, hidden jealousy or envy that seemingly “good” people hide. They all amount to something, and they might’ve even brought you down, pressured you, saddened you. But now, you’ve come out of it, stronger, better, wiser. Don’t let the past grip you tight. If you remember past pains, past hurt, let it be your wisdom, not your wound. Some people may have brought you down, but that’s exactly why it is to never happen again. That’s why it is necessary that you repeat to yourself: no one can hurt me, no one can bring me down. And remind yourself that you are wise enough to know when to leave, wise enough to know when to stand up for yourself, and wise enough to know at first glance that they are not your people and you will not let them become someone who can hurt you.

if you don’t care, just don’t say anything. i don’t need your polite excuse or your fake sympathy. i don’t need your waning attention. i don’t need you to ask me how i’m doing if you can’t even pretend to attentively listen to me. don’t pretend to be my friend. don’t try to be my lover. your insincerity is showing, and i’d hate to see that as your true colours.

— don’t make me despise you even more than i do now, you’ve already tainted what’s left of all our good memories.

marina grace