This Morning I Woke Up With A Big Smile On My Face . I Realised I Dreamt Of @taylorswift All Night Long.

Love your smirk and the smile in your eyes,

I can see you and how hard you try.

This summer has been anything but cruel,

Your surprise song versions gave us so much fuel.

The Eras tour is the best thing, beyond my wildest dreams.

So amazing to feel alive again after watching all these live streams.

I’m definitely the lucky one to get to watch the sparks fly, don’t blame me for loving this so much I want to cry.

So grateful to live life (Taylor’s version) by heart, I know it’s not the end just the start.

You create a better place in this world all days. I will love you Taylor forever and always 💚💛💜❤️🩵🖤🩷🩶🤎💙

How I try healing and coping through music after loosing a child

Listening to Your loosing me by @taylorswift and this song is definitely my go to song right now. This song helps we so much when it feels like I’ve run out of tears but really need to cry to clear my head.

This time of year is always the toughest for me. The grief comes up to the surface and it’s so overwhelming every time. It’s like it all comes back full force and every cell in my body remembers what happend those days 13 years ago.

We had a great pregnancy and at the ultrasound every thing looked normal. our baby boy was born on September 6 after a normal delivery. At the doctors check up they didn’t find anything out of the ordinary. We stayed at the maternity ward for three days then they asked us to go home. Because it was our first child we felt insecure and asked to stay for another day to get the breastfeeding working smoothly. They assured us that everything was ok and that we should go home and that we could call them if necessary.

I had a feeling something was wrong but because I had nothing to compare with I listened to their advise. Later that evening we went to sleep and I was prepared to wake up and feed him several times during the night. I woke up around 4 am with a strong hunch that something was wrong because he had not made a noice. I looked over at him and he was awake but completely quiet and he wasn’t moving at all. When checking him thoroughly I realise he has blue spots on his arms and at his chest. Immediately I call the hospital and they say it’s completely normal and that he probably has low blood sugar levels. That all I had to do is feed him from a spoon if he was to tired to eat.

I went hysterical and finally they agreed for us to come back for a check up. All this time he looked at us with his beautiful big eyes kind of saying help me!

Little did we know that that first night home with our baby would be the last time we would be able to take him home.

To be continued

The second i realised it was possible to preorder from sweden I placed my order. 🙏🏻 I’m so happy , have been dancing around my kitchen floor singing my favourite 1989 songs for hours🙌🏻 can’t wait for it to arrive late October. ❤️ @taylorswift I’m so proud of you for re-recording the stolen versions. So inspiring to see you fight back when they tried to take you for granted. Will support you and your clever businessdecisions for ever. Truly happy for you that you finally will own them all soon. 🥂

For every day that goes by, i find new lyrics that are so important, beautiful and amazing. Taylor is the absolute best lyricist and songwriter I’ve ever stumbled upon. This enormous treasure of art is my never ending supply of words to use to understand me and my feelings. Never found music that could heal me like this ever before. So thankful and grateful to her…….

Never be so kind

You Forget to be clever

Never be so clever

You forget to be nice

The best alarm for waking up at 6 am ever!!! I will finally get to listen to 1989 (Taylor’s version)

How I try healing and coping through @taylorswift ‘s music after loosing a child part 3

His birthday is the day after tomorrow and this year he would have turned 14. He managed to get through the night and the next day around 11 am the helicopter finally was cleared to fly. Immediately they got him in there and flew him to the other side of the country. We jumped in our car and started driving the 7 hours to be with him in Gothenburg. When we arrived at the hospital we got a room at the Ronald McDonald house. A house where family’s can live close to the hospital. We where told that if everything went well we probably would have to stay here for up to a year this first time around. From the house to the hospital room it was like 100 meters and it felt good to be able to be so close to him. We had ended up at queen Silvia children’s hospital at the heart specialist centre for kids. They explained to us that his body had some problems since his heart stoped the first time and that he needed a couple of days to recover before being strong enough for surgery. We spent all ours awake by his hospital bed. Helping caring for him, holding his hand, singing to him and writing a journal so that we could tell him when he got older what we all had been through. Everyday the staff noticed small improvements and his vitals steadily got better. We could see that he reacted to our voice and when the staff told us the machines showed he was stressed we sang the song we sang for him when he still was inside. This always helped and almost immediately his vitals got better and his heart rate improved. On day 7 he finally was so strong that we got to hold him skin to skin again. So scary to hold him with all tubes connected the every part of him. We sat there scared to move and it was an amazing feeling to finally being able to hold him again. Next there was a final X-ray planned to check that everything looked ok before the surgery.

To be continued……….

Writing this listening to Ronan by @taylorswift

This song has helped me so much and I can’t even understand how she manages to sing it without breaking down. It’s a incredible beautiful song that helps me out words to my grief. Thank you Taylor for this one❤️

On the kids list of things they wanted to do this summer. Fish and cook outside while listening to Taylor swift

Today I’ve been looking at photos of our son and thinking of him a lot. Now its about one week til his birthday. This time of year is extra hard because it’s brings up so many memories. After dinner this evening is was loading the washing machine when Ronan by @taylorswift started playing on my phone and I broke down completely. Crying like never before in a pile at the floor. It has always felt like a really sad song but today the words reminded me more than ever of the son we lost. Sometimes I really need too cry like this to heal. Thank you Taylor for all the music you’ve created that helps me sort my feelings when I need to. 🙏🏻❤️

This is my absolute favourite ❤️

How I try healing and coping through @taylorswift ‘s music after loosing a child part 2

We lived really close to the hospital and we arrived there in under five minutes. It’s now around 9 am. The nurses behind the glass looked at us and just continued talking to each other. Finally they came out and asked us to follow them into a examination room. We got him out of his car seat and put him on the table. As soon as we laid him down he collapsed and the nurse picked him up and ran inte to another room. We run after and in the matter of seconds several doctors and nurses came running in the room working on him. We just stood there in the back of the room frozen by terror not knowing what’s happening. After a few seconds one of the doctors turnes around and says. Just so you know, he might not make it. Then we both fell into a pile on the floor not even being able to breathe.

In what seems like forever they managed to get him back and after getting the hold of all necessary equipment they tell us they are going to try to move him to the ICU.

Now they do a really thorough search of what’s causing this. And after several tests, ultrasounds and X-rays they find that he has a birth defect on his heart called hlhs. We find out that several of the hearts bloodvessels are to narrow and connected the wrong way. It Also means that the left chamber of his heart is severely underdeveloped. He also has a hole between to parts of the heart.

They inform us that to have a chance he needs to be transferred by helicopter to the other side of the country to a hospital were they specialises in children’s heart diseases and there he will need the first of many heart surgery’s immediately. That if every thing checks out he will have 95% chance of a long life just not like a professional athlete. It will be a struggle with many surgeries to fix the heart and then most likely a heart transplant in his 20,s. We’re also told that we most likely will have to live at the hospital the entire family for his first 8-10 months. So now all we have to do is to wait for the helicopter to arrive so that they can move him as soon as possible.

The hours went by and when we wouldn’t stop asking they finally tell us that their sorry but the helicopter hasn’t passed the i inspection and hasn’t been granted permission to fly. They continue testing several times but it just don’t pass the inspection.

Now even the doctors are getting really concerned and tell us that he really needs to be moved because they aren’t used to treat so small children with such a severe condition’s . Now they start to gather an expert team through videoconference with experts from the entire country. They decide he needs to be moved immediately to the closest specialist hospital if he is going to have a chance surviving the night.

I get to see them loading him in to an specialistambulance and then they put me in a taxi. We drove really fast for about 1 hour. The taxi stayed right behind the ambulance the entire time. We arrived at the next hospital around midnight. And now their experts were working every minute with him to get him to survive until the helicopter would be granted to fly.

To be continued