Falling Asleep Feeling Empty And Hollowed Out And I Cant Cry Anymore Bc I Literally Have Zero Tear Ducts

this cruel envy fills me whenever i see that others are doing worse than me. i think it's a superiority complex or a messed up inferiority complex but there's this voice inside me that parrots "you must always be doing worse than them." everything feels like a competition for the worse because those who feel bad also get attention and i want that attention. i want people to care about me, i want to be sick so people can acknowledge that i'm sick and think about and talk about me like conversation topics so i feel special to them, no matter how terrible it is. i know it would be impossible to achieve this through good things like awards or competitions, so i'll get the attention in the one way i can: by suffering and making everyone aware of it. i'm not good enough that people will care so i'll be sick enough so they'll be forced to care

finding old accounts is like finding proof u really did exist two years ago which is like yeah i know i did but that me from two years ago was me and i was her and that makes it so disgustingly weird yet endearing yet everything wrong with the world because i hate to be perceived and who else to judge u harder than ur future self who is wiser (slightly) and knows more (not really)? so i feel a little sick but also, she was such a silly girl. just a silly lost sad angry girl

me after screaming at everyone i know and isolating myself from my family and locking myself in my room because i think no one likes me or cares about me and the voice in my head said so and it practically runs my self esteem

reading sex is sooo much more fun than watching sex

loneliness is not a disease it is a medicine to be alone with your thoughts and release the crinkled eyebrows you've been holding in all day and it feels upsetting to not have the presence of another person but then you are aware of your own soul overtaking the room and filling you up with your warmth and suddenly you are burning like a blue flame because you forgot the kind person you are and everything is okay in the world for the moment you are able to sip some water and curl in your bed and its lonely but its your comfort

"she wasn't your person, your person is still out there and you'll find her when you least expect it" okay what if she was my person and i lost her forever

i want to sit in the lap of a pretty girl and kiss her stupid. intertwine my hands with hers and watch her smile and pull me closer. i want to wrap my hands around her shoulders and feel her arms around my waist and trace her lips and be lost in her warmth forever. i want our noses to bump accidentally so we pull back and look at each other and laugh over what we have. i want to kiss her lips and cheekbones and neck and jaw and forehead and eyebrows and everywhere. i want her to hold me and trace kisses down my neck and touch me in ways i've never touched myself. i want a girl to lay me down on a bed and make me hers

Winter light (1962)

Médée

seeing people from your childhood that knew you before you knew yourself is nostalgic but it kills you when you realize they dont know you now