„If You’re Not Going To Get Any Wiser, What’s The Point Of Getting Older?”

I still peak out the window whenever a car stops in front of our house

Hoping it’s you,

Knowing it’s not.

I’m still learning to get over you,

Because life has more in store for me than waiting for your apology.

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

I have drafts of poetry in my phone I won’t ever finish

Words I started writing when times were different

I won’t ever get to finish them because everything turned out different than the thoughts of the past anticipated it

Not better, not worse

But different

So I now have drafts of poetry in my phone that I can’t finish

Because out of all the “what ifs”, fate chose the one I was most scared of

And the words that were written in the past are to delicate to be burdened by destiny’s cruel choices of today

Sweet dreams

I’m laying here, awake. It’s the middle of the night and I don’t know how but I thought I heard your voice and so I woke up. Now I’m laying here, thinking. I don’t even know what it is about you, my heart loves so much. You’re great, but I don’t see why my heart thinks it’s okay to get broken day by day, instead of just letting go. I’m laying here, dreaming. Not of anything that has happened, but of everything that could still occur. Anything good, nothing of the bad stuff has a place in my dreams. At least not in the ones I’m dreaming when I’m awake. I’m awake, thinking and dreaming. I guess you’re asleep not dreaming about anything particular and when you wake up, your mind is clear. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and notice everything I’ve done for you and what you ignorant prick have put me through. But until then, sweet dreams L.

I realized that it got better when I finally found the courage to put my phone on silent over night for the first time

Not waiting for your usual 3am call anymore, like the ones I always got when we were still together

I’ll realize that I’m even better when I’ll get to sleep trough my first night without waking up, checking whether you called or not

I’m still proud of myself

One day, I’ll be able to be even prouder

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

I wish I could fall in love with you

I’m a person that falls in love easily.

I’ve fallen for the boy on the bus that always saved me a seat in the morning. I’ve fallen for the guy that drove me around town on the back of his motor cycle. I’ve fallen for a boy who just kept texting me whenever he felt like it. It took me about 2 seconds to fall in love with my ex. The list seems endless.

I never really liked that about myself, I felt naive and vulnerable and everyone else seemed to notice it as well.

But now there’s this guy. He would save me a seat on every bus we’d ever get on, he drives me around whenever I ask him to and he keeps texting me, telling me that he just thought of me and wished I’d be with him right now. And god is he wholesome.

And god do I hate myself for not falling in love with him.

Karma will handle it for me

You keep switching between me and her.

You selfish prick.

Try thinking about others for once.

We’re humans as well and your behavior towards us is nothing but inhumane.

Go fuck yourself.

Today was a beautiful day

Today was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and I listened to my favorite music all day long. My thoughts were light and positive and my face showed a constant little smile. I was happy. After being down for such a long time today felt like a dream. Ups and downs are normal, but once you’ve experienced a very long Low, every little Up will bring joy even though you may have felt like you’ll be stuck in the depth of your own mind forever. I’ll tell you that you can handle it. Believe me it’ll be worth it. Try fighting for every single Up your life might bring you.

Today was a beautiful day and I’m pretty sure more will follow.

I can’t sleep

Every night when I can’t sleep, I imagine you laying right next to me. Your slow but steady breathing, your comforting warmth, your arms around me. I think back to the time when I would watch you sleeping, looking like a human being sent right from heaven itself. I always knew that you’d do the same in the morning when I’d still be asleep. I think back to when my head was placed on your chest and I felt like I could stay like that forever. In these moments all I wanted was to stop time right there so I’d never have to experience what it would be like without you in those sleepless nights.

Now you’re gone and my heart aches but I can’t help myself and still think of you whenever I can’t sleep.

Full Moon

Seeing you again was

different than I had anticipated it

It was

Alright

For my soul somehow found peace in the pain that you had left me with

Learning and growing in the process of it

Phases

I’m a full moon now

I like your stars around

But I don’t need you to light up my night

I am the moon

In full beauty

Shining through the darkness

By myself

Like it was always meant to be

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

I’ll never stop

Cried on my way to work today

Screaming empowering songs in the car but not feeling them

Yesterday was one of the harder days

I lost you...again

And no matter how many times we’ve already been through this, the pain never lessened

24 hours, from “Hey we should be spending more time together” to “We should end things here, I can’t do this no more”

World? Crushed

Heart? Broken

Again and again and again

Loving you ruins me

But

I

Just

Can’t

Stop

~ excerpts of me moving on ~