Lucius: Severus Just Said "I Have An Appetite For Destruction" And Then He Reached Down And Untied My

*The squad is over at Narcissa's house*

Lucius: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?

Narcissa: ... N-No...

Narcissa, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???

Lucius, motioning to her kitchen: Three, I thought!

Bellatrix: I see a-

Narcissa, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.

Lucius: Oh, well I-

Narcissa: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*

Narcissa, amazed: Its got a bake setting!

Regulus: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!

Severus: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?

Narcissa: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!

Narcissa: I am a woman who owns four ovens...

Narcissa, louder and way too happy: I am a woman... who owns FOUR OVENS...

Narcissa: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...

Lily, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!

Narcissa:

Lucius: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!

Narcissa:

Narcissa, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM A WOMAN WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

I decided to use an otp prompt generator and these are what I got (someone please make these into one shots) +(some NSFW)

Your prompt: Severus and Remus are walking home from school; work; etc and on the way to their house, Remus picks up a stick. All of the sudden, Remus runs up to a tree and starts to hit the tree with the stick while yelling Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself, and Severus starts to laugh until they cry.

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Your prompt: NSFW Severus is tied to the bed. Remus leaves them there for a while with the promise of really pleasurable, hardcore, bondage fucking. Severus is so horny and can’t stand waiting to the point where they’re literally screaming for Remus to just do them already.

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Your prompt: Severus and Sirius are fooling around and Sirius says "Oh shut up! I know you love me!" to which Severus responds with "I'd sell you to Satan for a single corn chip.".

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Your prompt: NSFW

Sirius: Hey I think my dick died.

Severus: It died?

Sirius: Yeah, can I bury it in your ass?

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Your prompt: James has an online buisness meeting with someone important who lives across the world so they stay up until 12:00 for the meeting. Severus doesn't want to leave James alone so they grab a blanket and lay in James's lap as they attend the meeting. Bonus if: Severus accidentally smacks James on the face in their sleep and everyone in the meeting says that they're cute.

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Your prompt: NSFW Severus's wearing tight yoga pants that accentuates their ass and James is trying their hardest not to jump them in public. All bets are off once they enter their house though. What happens next is up to you.

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Your prompt: Remus tilting Severus's chin up to get a better look at their face and the evidence of the fight. Remus delicately thumbs away a streak of blood from Severus's mouth, saying nothing as they examine it. After a breif pause, Severus's heart skips a nervous beat as Remus looks them dead in the eyes. Their voice is quiet and tense. Their anger barely restrained.

"Who did this to you?"

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Your prompt: NSFW Remus ties open Severus's legs and goes down on them for hours, making Severus cry out from cumming so much that it leads to overstimulation and Severus is begging for Remus to stop. Remus wont stop until they are satistfied, ignoring Severus's moans of pleasured protest.

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Your prompt: NSFW Severus wants sex but Sirius is feeling naughty and makes them beg for it.

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Your prompt: Sirius holding Severus's hands when they are shaking.

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Your prompt:

James: *Gets 8 hours of sleep MINIMUM each night* "I am so awake and ready for the day! The sun is beautiful and I am so happy to be alive!"

Severus: I've had 30 minutes of sleep for the past five days and now I can smell sounds. Please kill me.

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Your prompt: They meet when Severus sees James walk into a street sign.

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Your prompt: Severus is baking cookies and has to split their attention between watching the timer and fighting off James, who keeps trying to steal cookie dough from the bowl.

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Your prompt:

Severus and James: *At a basketball game*

Severus and James: *Gets on the Kiss Cam*

Severus: *Blushing like crazy, covering their head*

James: *Making and obvious no gesture*

Crowd: *Boos*

Severus and James: *Kiss Cam comes back to them several times during the game and both object*

James fed up with this bullshit after the millionth time: OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!

James:*Grabs Severus by the collar, kissing them*

Crowd: *Cheers loudly*

Severus: *Sits quietly for half an hour, staring ahead blankly in shock*

Severus: I wonder why the camera kept coming back to us?

James: *Shrugs and continues to watch the game*

Sirius and Remus, slipping a hundred bucks to the nearby cameraman: Thank you, my good sir.

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Your prompt: Sirius lightly kissing Severus on top of a freshly formed bruise.

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Your prompt: NSFW Severus and Sirius as the main leads in a play. There's a sex scene in the play, and they get so into the moment that they end up going off the script, and talk dirty to each other, before having real sex on the stage. The audience all think they’re just acting, and the reviews commend them for their realistic take on sex.

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Your prompt: Police Officer AU Sirius is a police officer with a K-9 companion and Severus works at the donut shop that Sirius visits every morning with their dog. Severus first falls in love with the dog, then the person who parents it.

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Your prompt: NSFW It's a Winter night and it's snowing pretty heavily outside. Severus complains that they are cold so Remus picks them up, grabs a blanket then walks over to the fire. Remus proceeds to wrap themselves up with Severus and they cuddle by the fire. A few moments later, Remus starts to kiss and bite their way down Severus's neck. Severus becoms flustered as asks what Remus is doing. Remus just replies with "I'm warming you up, Severus" in a seductive voice. It soon leads to slow, steamy sex by the fire.

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Your prompt: Imagine Remus running up behind Severus and quickly picking them up and spinning them around, setting them back down and placing Severus's head on their chest and Remus's chin now resting on their head. Before Severus can ask what has got them in such a good mood today, they whisper, "I just realized how in love I am with you and it feels fantastic."

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Your prompt: NSFW Remus and Severus the morning they have had sex. Severus decides to go shower and Remus notices *fluid* runnning down Severus's legs, Aroused again, Remus follows Severus into the shower where they go again.

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Your prompt: Imagine that Severus was in an abusive relationship before they were with Remus. One day, Severus accidentally breaks something (a plate, vase, etc), and while Remus isn't mad at all, Severus starts crying and whispering Please don't hurt me over and over again. (Because in their past relationship, breaking something would have resulted in abuse). Remus gently wraps their arms around Severus and tells them in a kind voice that they would never hurt Severus, and that Remus promises to keep Severus safe at all costs.

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Your prompt:

Severus, is playing piano: Maybe one day I can play at your wedding.

Remus: Gross, I don't want you playing at my wedding.

Remus: How about you stand beside me instead?

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Your prompt:

Severus: God give me patience.

Remus: I believe the saying is 'God give me strength.'

Severus: If God gave me strength, everyone would be dead.

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Your prompt: NSFW Remus pinning Severus down, locking their gazes together for a few moments, and then slowly trailing kisses down Severus's body. They get encouraged by the soft mewling Severus makes, and it ends in sweet, slow and romantic sex.

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Your prompt: Remus having to help Severus undress after an injury.

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Your prompt: NSFW Imagine Sirius and Severus sitting at a table in a public place. They play a game, unknown to the people around them, in which Sirius gradually moves their hand up Severus's leg under the table. The game is to see how close Severus can let Sirius's hand get to there between their thighs before they chicken out and stop them.

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Your prompt: NSFW Sirius making Severus dress in really kinky underwear and later takes their sweet time to enjoy the view as Severus blushes heavily and is quite embarrassed.

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Your prompt: Severus and Sirius were supposed to go out for a date but a snow storm hits and they get snowed in. Sirius is really sad about it so Severus builds them a blanket fort so they can spend the evening snuggling and watching Christmas movies together.

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Your prompt: NSFW Severus is a virgin and Sirius practically worships their body the first time they have sex, giving every part of them attention in order to make it enjoyable for Severus.

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Your prompt: NSFW Sirius teasing Severus with sex toys.

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Your prompt: Severus screams at the top of their lungs and when James comes running to them, they find Severus standing on top of a chair screaming about a spider. Bonus: James is also afraid of spiders.

You can change the characters to ones you think work better

Ok so I will absolutely be giving them more children! Thank you @shadowpup2205 and a special thanks to @repegminibbun !

I'm still wondering if I should have merula and/or Y/n as Sirius and sev's bio baby, to give a better idea of my thought process

Merula is a Slytherin all of black was Slytherin (ofc excluding Sirius) severus is a Slytherin, Sirius I imagine gave low blow insults (like merula) she's smart (like sev) has a dry sense of humor (like sev) she Outstanding at potions (again sev) she likes flying (like Sirius) merula has (well claims to have) gone to every quidditch world Cup since she was born, which obviously she loves quidditch (like Sirius and him taking her every year could be '1 on 1' time or 'daddy daughter' time) of course the way she was raised she has a "distaste" for muggle-borns and half-bloods but here she will most likely never say something like that or call anyone a mud-blood (for the obvious reason that her mother is a half-blood and her aunt is a muggle-born so she'll be taught to accept all witches and wizards) she will still be snooty (bc she 𝘪𝘴 Sirius Black's daughter (and probably bc her mother works at Hogwarts)) merula likes singing and wanted to be apart of the frog choir because her mom was in it and always sang to her (that is canon in case someone didn't know but it ties perfectly with sev) (that about as far as I got into Hogwarts mystery so I'm not gonna read anymore of her wiki so I don't spoil anything for me lol)

And y/n child it's more because when I'm reading a story about one of my favorite ships and they have an oc child I like pretending I'm that child because they're always such good parents and I have family issues, anyway that's why I was thinking of you the reader (aka you guys) as one of the children

I was thinking about making a side story where it's of them raising the children sorta full house style type of story. So who do you all think? Merula or you or maybe both?

Lucius: How the hell are you still alive?

Severus: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.

Severus: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.

Remus: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*

Severus: That one. I want that one.

Severus: Lily! My face is on fire!

Lily: Severus! Are you ok?!

Severus: Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly.

Lily: But your face is on fire.

Severus: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

Eddie: A theif.

Buck: Thief?

Eddie: Theif.

Buck: I before E, except after C.

Buck: Thceif.

Eddie: No.

Severus: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds.

Lucius: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?!?

Severus: No! Four to five seconds!

Lucius: Too late!!!

Severus: Where's Narcissa?

Bellatrix: Don't worry, I'll find her.

Bellatrix, shouting: Lucius sucks!

Narcissa, distantly: Lucius is the best person ever! Fuck you!

Bellatrix: Found her.