He lost his hair in the divorce π
you're funny please try to not be excommunicated by the vatican
You can only get fired for stealing office supplies if you actually work in the building.
Jesus, after coming back from the dead: hey guys itβs me Jesus, just look at the scars on my hands
Thomas, a known freak: show us the feet as well please
dead
this is perhaps evil but I can boost my mood in almost any situation by playing a game called "what was my mom doing at this age?" like rn for instance I'm sleepy because I had a 12 hour work day + stayed up late, and my stomach hurts a little from the enormous chimichanga I smashed for dinner, and my head hurts a little bit from the fat margaritas I had with the chimichanga. and it's like hmm, okay, not optimal, but when my mom was this age she had a 2.5 year old to deal with. can you fucking imagine. can't stay in bed decadently bemoaning your overindulgences because there's a goblin in the next room that's utterly dependent on you for food and hygiene and social needs and if you drop the ball you've fucked up a perfectly good person. and I'm pretty normal so shout out to her for keeping it together but god that couldn't be me, I like fucking around way too much.
before you stab someone: THINK!
how can you make it Tender?
how can you make it Homoerotic?
how can you make it Implicitly intimate?
how can you make it Noticeably a metaphor for sex?
how can you make it Kind of gay?
what if you wore a shirt that featured a picture of you trying to claw your way out of the shirt with a horrid desperate expression and the text "THAT'S NOT ME THAT'S NOT ME I'M TRAPPED IN THE SHIRT"
it's a shame you can't Cool, Silent, and Mysterious your way to being very close to people. we are unfortunately going to have to embarrass ourselves for this