Mental Illness Is Supposed To Be Mental Wtf Is This Aching Pit In My Chest

Having MADD also means that almost every week there's at least one occurence where I'm daydreaming and suddenly I go "and then my only friend in the world betrays me in the worst possible way" and then I start acting it out intensely until I end up bawling my eyes out for like an hour straight and actually wanting to harm/KILL myself over it

And at the end I'm like what the actual hell dude this situation never happened this person doesn't exist you were talking to yourself the entire time no don't harm yourself over that go drink some water you stupid sick idiot

Then I get up and drink water like

Can't believe I'm daydreaming so hard it gives me actual suicide crises I struggle to differenciate from the ones caused by my actual depression, MADD is actually putting me in danger uh

(Only to do it again the next day or something because it's a goddamn addiction)

anyone else with pmdd more cross at the fact it's their period causing their symptoms than the actual symptoms themselves

The most terrifying part of having memory issues is when you can feel something from 5 seconds ago be thrown out the window and there's an empty hole where it once was. You remember that you forgot something.

poor memory is a huge deal and i wish people wouldn't diminish it by saying "oh yeah i can't remember what i had for breakfast lol."

i can't remember the first 10 years of my life. i can't remember entire days, weeks, months at a time. i can't remember entire people, i can't remember names or faces. i can't remember when things are scheduled for, my calendar app on my phone is booked to the max with reminders and task checklists. i can't remember when i moved into what home when, i can't remember important milestone dates like when i got or lost certain jobs, or when i started a new hobby.

that's what i mean when i say i have poor memory. poor memory is so scary for the person who has it. it's not a quirky thing, everyone forgets small details. memory problems are scary because you can go through entire events or days with no memory, or plan for things in the future that you can't recall ever even looking into or scheduling. it's not a funny haha kind of thing, it's serious, and it affects a lot of people in very unavoidable ways.

not being able to plan for appointments or work schedules, not being able to remember people's names or faces, not being able to recall whether or not you were present for something or whether or not you met someone, not being able to keep track of what's happening on what dates and losing track of items because you can't remember where you put them are all very real problems, and anyone dealing with them deserves to be taken seriously, and not diminished when they choose to speak up about it.

aaaaand we're back to square one

emotional dysregulation is so weird because i've been near crisis point depressed all week but now i'm back to being a hyperactive diva just because i put on a new playlist

OCD symptom i struggle with but don't see talked about a lot: inability to trust your own memory and/or perception.

as an example: i put my headphones in my bag. i say im sure they're in my bag, but what if i imagined putting them in my bag? i have to check, so i stick my hand inside and grab them. but then i have to check *again* because what if i just so happened to have another object shaped and sized exactly like my headphones that i just forgot about? so i have to pull them out of my bag and look directly at them to fully confirm they were in my bag

this is a fairly benign example but this also happens with other worse scenarios for me and it's. not fun

people who dont experience it cannot comprehend how awful executive dysfunction is. I WANT to do the task, i have the resources TO do the task, i will feel better having DONE the task

but i cant fucking do the task

i wish more people understood that maladaptive daydreaming is not some fun quirky thing and it is genuinely difficult to live with

my therapist asked me if i consider myself an anxious person, to which i responded 'no' as if i'm not purposely withholding my worst fear from him bc i'm convinced that if i tell anyone they'll use it to sabotage me

Idk what trans man needs to hear this but you're NOT evil or disgusting for being a man. You do NOT have to suffer for the sins of the patriarchy committed by cis dudes. Being a man doesn't invalidate the misogyny you experienced growing up or experience now. Being a man doesn't mean you deserve to be isolated. Being a man doesn't mean you're inherently predatory or scary. You didn't "choose" this, and finding your true self is NOT "betraying the community" because you happen to be a man and/or masculine rather than a woman and/or feminine. You ARE allowed to be upset when people "affirm" your gender by malgendering you.

You DO deserve a community that uplifts you. You DO deserve to experience trans joy. You DO deserve to have your voices heard and your struggles recognized. Wanting the bare minimum of solidarity is NOT "making everything about trans men".