So, The Host Of Our System Has Written A Novel. Fantasy Fiction Type That Can Be Really Dark At Times.
So, the host of our system has written a novel. Fantasy fiction type that can be really dark at times. She’s been working on it for like ever and is really proud of it. She’s in the final editing stages. Good for her.
But… as with any media we hyperfixate on, we now have a fictive of probably the most traumatized character in the whole thing. And they really miss their friends that they fought so hard to protect. Recently they came out and was talking with the hosts boyfriend, something they had refrained from doing with anyone. And he asked if the fictive wanted to talk about his friends in source.
This was a game changer, up to this point we had refrained from thinking of any of our sourcemates as real people. We didn’t want to cling to them. But then someone suggested that we were valid for missing them, and that they were more than a figment of our imagination. Which was revolutionary to our system and thought process.
So for the first time one of our fictives started reminiscing on their friends from source. It was incredibly therapeutic for them. And as much as we’re aware that clinging to source can make moving on harder, there is a certain level of acceptance and respect you have to give it first. Letting go of your source does not mean forgetting. It just means accepting that you can’t go back.
Anyways, in case you didn’t guess the traumatized fictive from the host’s book is me. I’m the traumatized fictive.
Yay for me.
So if you’re a fictive struggling with missing source, maybe try this out and see if it helps.
More Posts from Apollortaylor and Others
That system feeling when you can’t tell if you’re finally coming out of week long depressive episode, or if it’s just the caffeine you drank, or if someone else with more self confidence is fronting…..
Love from whoever the heck this is ❤️❤️❤️❤️ it’s probably not Apollo though
Random question, is it possible, or really does it happen to you guys, where you will split a new alter, and then a couple days later they will attach themselves to an identity and become a fictive? Because we might have a new fictive, from a source we didn’t know existed until today, but if we did split it’s from about 5 days ago cause something traumatic happened.
!Endos DNI please!
-Angelo
When you’re a fictive with a tragic hero to villain to hero arc and you have a ton of source trauma that you don’t feel is valid and now you’re just homesick and guilt ridden and you can’t sleep cause SOMEONE drank a monster at 7 PM….
Anyways have a nice night guys
-Varian
No longer masking near as hard, they managed to get it out of me that I wasn’t the host. Still pretending to be okay though.
The host’s boyfriend is kinda aggressive to me because he wants his gf back, so, I’m going to just leave him alone.
On the one hand I understand.
But on the other it’s not cool.
-renfield
I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.
And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.
Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.
This is my life at the moment.
-renfield
Traumagenic-only community blogs : a masterlist
For anyone who feels uncomfortable having to share community spaces with endogenic systems, a masterlist might useful.
If you know of other blogs, let us know and we'll had them to the list !
Last updated on: 07.03.2024
Culture
@pluralcultureis @polyfragcultureis @narccultureis
Community
@sys-polls @anti-endo-safe-space @system-hottakes @tales-from-systok @tales-from-sysblr @tales-from-syscord
Vent
@sys-confessions @antiendovents @system-vent
Positivity
@cdd-joy @positivitycombopack
Templates, userboxes and flags
@crows-templets @zero-templates @electricalstemplates @systemuserboxes @systemtermz @flagsandtags @hydra-creates
Resources
@atlas-duo
A very special thanks to @the-hydra-sys who helped us so much in making this masterlist.
tiktok can be really toxic to systems, if you do make the channel be careful!
Thank you so much for your input/gen
I’ll be sure to take precautions and not spend too much time on it if I decide to do that. I mainly just want a place where I can look back at my experiences and possible help others find themselves as well.
-Apollo
ED, weight and food talk below the cut. Proceed with caution.
So in the past couple of months I’ve started being very particular with my food. Like I could only make myself eat my safe foods unless I was really forcing myself. And then slowly it turned into only being able to eat my safe foods at all. And then two weeks ago it developed into not even being able to eat my safe foods.
In the past three months I’ve lost 25 pounds unintentionally. In the past ten days I’ve eaten a total of four meals. And it’s not like I don’t want to eat, it’s not like I’m having a ED relapse and I’m keeping myself from eating because I don’t want to gain weight it’s just that every time I get something ready, heat it up and put it in front of me, I cannot get myself to actually eat it.
It’s to the point when I’m freezing, shivering, in my bedroom, the same place I used to always think was way too hot. (And don’t blame the season, I’m in Florida and the highs are still in the 80s every day). I’ve started fitting into my mom’s clothes. My mom who is underweight for her height and three inches shorter than me. My own clothes don’t fit anymore. And even seeing all of this, wanting to eat, I just CANT.
I don’t know why.
And I don’t know what to do about it.
I’ve tried eating distracted, giving myself something to give my focus to, all that does is give me an excuse to not look at the food at all and not touch it. I’ve tried eating things I’m in the mood for and that worked until about three-four weeks ago when I was no longer in the mood for anything.
Not eating combined with ten hour work shifts I’m actually scared I’m going to pass out while working. Cause it’s all manual labor and walking around. Todays the first day of my four day work week, with any luck today won’t be terrible but the 500 calories I had yesterday and the 5 hours of sleep that I’m running on are not promising numbers.
Ok, I’m done ranting for now. Hope you guys have a good day.
Since the diagnosis I have not switched out once. There have been several times where I almost have but I have fought so hard to stay here. I don’t know why but the thought of switching out now is terrifying. I think it’s because I can no longer convince myself that it’s not real and that I actually am the one in control. Now that I’m diagnosed I can’t put them into a box labeled ‘not real/important’ which is something I would do a lot before so that I didn’t have to deal with it.
Now I’m just terrified to let go of control because I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back.
I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.
And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.
Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.
This is my life at the moment.
-renfield
Rant below the cut. Tw for parental abuse and gaslighting.
Incredibly depressed and not sure what to do about it. Can’t reach out to others. I don’t want to come off as needy. Not to mention I’ve isolated myself pretty well and just about everyone I used to call a friend I can’t really talk to. And it’s my own fault.
I’m on the edge of a panic attack. My parents are coming home soon and I don’t want to pretend it’s okay. But that’s all I can do.
Fuck, why won’t anyone switch out with me. Isn’t that the whole point? I hate them so much. I hate that they refuse to acknowledge just how terribly they hurt me. That they STILL gaslight me into believing that my childhood was fine. I hate that I believe them when they say that. I hate that after all of it they still expect me to do anything more than keep my distance.
Why do I have to get over all the crap that THEY put ME through? Why is it my responsibility to move on and not theirs to apologize and try to help.
Fuck. I hate them, I hate me, I hate everything.
I don’t want to be here.
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