Okay But Can We Talk About How Much Amnesia Sucks? As A System We Don’t Have A Lot Of In The Moment

I have a psychological examination in a week. It’s four hours long and a two hour drive to get there. It’s been scheduled for months and I had been trying to get an appointment for literal years. I’m hoping that I’ll get diagnosed with DID among other things because of it (that’s the whole reason for the appointment) , but I am terrified of what the outcome will be.

Basically there are three ways this can go.

They tell me I don’t have it and I believe them. If this happens I will most likely cave to denial. Not forever but it’ll probably be at least a few months before I try to talk to my alters again. Might end up front stuck because I don’t believe they’re real. (All of that of course assuming I DO have it and the doctor gets it wrong) if they say I don’t have it I probably don’t and yes this means I can try to rehabilitate and live my life without alters, but I’m also going to feel like a shit human being for even INSINUATING that I have this disorder, let alone placating it.

They tell me I don’t have it and I don’t believe them. In the scenario, whether the explanation the doctor told me are bullshit or even if they say they ‘don’t believe in the disorder’, whatever the reason I have to go through this whole process again, anxiety and frustration and all. So let’s hope it’s not this.

They tell me I DO have it. This is genuinely probably the least messy outcome. I will most likely believe them just because they specialize in this area (assuming they believe in the disorder). The downside with this (aside from the obvious point of it all being real and incurable) is that the ONE other time I got validation from a mental heath professional (who was coincidentally the only mental health professional I talked to about this for more than five minutes and was also trauma informed) the ONLY time anyone said ‘yeah that very well may be what’s happening’ the system got so out of hand so fast. I could no longer push away my alters with the excuse of ‘they may not be real anyways’. And because I couldn’t use that reasoning to keep things in check everything went haywire for a few weeks until I could convince myself that we still don’t know if they’re real. So yeah. If it plays out like this things are going to be so hectic and stressful for a bit.

Either way, I’ll update you after the appointment and once I get the official diagnosis.

Fictive culture is the host never actually sitting through your entire source, so you have very little idea of who you’re supposed to be.

It’s also seeing a lot of fan art of you shipped with someone from source that you know nothing about and being both curious to learn more but wary of finding something you don’t want to know anything about.

-Varian

Here’s my intro. Wasn’t really sure what to say but today I learned I’m terrible on camera. Anyways. Sorry about the wrinkled shirt it’s the only one I could find that I felt okay in.

Don’t forget to sleep at some point

-Hunter Noceda

Our friend is so good at telling us apart, sometimes he catches on before we even realize we’re switching.

We have the right to pretend to be the host don’t take that from us.

-Angelo

Random question, is it possible, or really does it happen to you guys, where you will split a new alter, and then a couple days later they will attach themselves to an identity and become a fictive? Because we might have a new fictive, from a source we didn’t know existed until today, but if we did split it’s from about 5 days ago cause something traumatic happened.

!Endos DNI please!

-Angelo

People in my head go brrr

-Nick (my boyfriend who stole my phone)

Okay so, I’ve been very aware that we do this thing, but only recently did I actually realize HOW OFTEN we do it.

So we do this thing where we think through conversations that MIGHT happen, and we typically either mouth along to the parts we would say or just say it out loud like we’re talking to them.

And I’ve known we do it for a while but I totally thought of it as like a once or twice a day thing. And then today driving home from work I started thinking about how often we do it. And while thinking about it I started running through a conversation where I explain it to a friend and ask their opinion. And then I caught myself like three lines in. And then I started thinking I should talk to my therapist about it, and started running through THAT conversation. I caught myself about half a sentence into that and was shocked at how quickly I fell into it. And then started thinking about how a conversation with a friend explaining THIS EXACT SITUATION AND THOUGHT PROCESS would go. And only got about two words out before I realized.

All of the sudden I am very aware of just how often I do this, which is apparently ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Does anyone have a word for this or like a name for it? Cause I have no clue what’s happening but I know I can’t be the only one who does it.

Ha ha. I’m out now because the host had a mental breakdown and now I’m super dysphoric cause I’m a male alter. Fml.

-Tyler

I am so emotionally confused. I have a crush on this guy. One problem with that.

It’s the host’s boyfriend.

I’m not a confrontational person, so I’m not totally sure what to do. Apollo already knows. But isn’t sure what to do or if to bring it up. I want to bring it up to the hosts best friend, but at the same time I’m not super close to them…. Soooooo….. yeah.

-Varian

I can’t tell if I want to change my name because I hate my old one, if I’m questions my gender again, or if there’s a new alter who needs a name.

-Apollo (for now)