I Am So Emotionally Confused. I Have A Crush On This Guy. One Problem With That.

I can’t tell if I want to change my name because I hate my old one, if I’m questions my gender again, or if there’s a new alter who needs a name.

-Apollo (for now)

Totally off topic, but does anyone else wish you could leave comments on YouTube adds so you can tell the company just how stupid and unintelligible their ads are?

Tw: this is a vent related to heavy source trauma, grief, life threatening situations, and self hatred.

So I’m a fictive of Varian from the Tangled TV series. For anyone who’s seen that series and knows what I’m talking about, the memories I have all consist of grief and guilt, I only remember the moment after I got my dad trapped. That’s it. Imagine the darkest point of your life being the only thing you can remember about yourself.

I blame myself for putting my dad in danger and I never got the chance to see if he would be okay. I know that it works out in my source but… I’m not my source.

I don’t know how to deal with all the guilt I feel. I don’t know how to move on if I don’t know what happens next.

I will scroll through fan art people have of me and my source, purposely triggering myself so I can stay grounded and actually feel something.

It’s difficult when everyone around you either doesn’t believe you exist or doesn’t want you to. I don’t really have anyone to turn to, hence the very personal post on tumbler.

If this is too much just lmk and I’ll take it down. But this is what it is to be a fictive with a traumatic source. Or to be around people who only know or want the host. The hosts friends are cool, but it feels like they would rather I be Apollo. And I can’t do that. I’m not totally sure what to do about it at this point.

-Varian

Well of course you don’t remember it, to you it was just another time you had to deal with your kid being annoying. To you it was just a short second when you couldn't be bothered to control your anger. To you it was just another inconvenience after an already long day.

But to me, the kid that you yelled at to stop crying because you had a headache, to me it was the first of many moments that taught me I was only an inconvenience. To me it was the shocking reality that I am only worth your affection if I'm easy to deal with.

I don't expect you to remember what to you was only another tired day. But you can trust that I won't forget the first thing you ever taught me.

So, the host’s boyfriend came and talked to us, made sure we were okay, that was cool. I ended up talking it out and feeling much better afterwards.

So that’s nice.

-renfield

I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.

And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.

Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.

This is my life at the moment.

-renfield

So….. I got the results back the other night. After four and a half weeks of obsessively checking my email waiting for them to be sent.

Unspecified Dissociative Disorder

I’m We’re officially diagnosed

I haven’t really taken the time to process because in the two days before I got the results I’ve come out to my friends and family as a trans guy and most of that went well but not all of it. My mind has been very occupied by the euphoria of not having to pretend and not worrying who misgenders me because the people who matter would never do that.

So I have not yet taken that proper time and space to think about the diagnosis at all. When I opened the email it was 2:30 AM and I had to be up for work in three hours so I needed sleep. Which is partially why it took me three days to post this.

So Im getting to the point of dealing with and processing the emotions of finally being validated while also having confirmation that I can’t just ignore it till goes away cause it’s more than my imagination. And then figuring out what that will mean going forward in my life.

For the time being I’m going to start posting on here again. I’ve been avoiding putting anything on here because I DID NOT want to think about the results until they were in.

Anyways, that’s the life update. Hope you guys have a good day/night

-Apollo

I have a psychological examination in a week. It’s four hours long and a two hour drive to get there. It’s been scheduled for months and I had been trying to get an appointment for literal years. I’m hoping that I’ll get diagnosed with DID among other things because of it (that’s the whole reason for the appointment) , but I am terrified of what the outcome will be.

Basically there are three ways this can go.

They tell me I don’t have it and I believe them. If this happens I will most likely cave to denial. Not forever but it’ll probably be at least a few months before I try to talk to my alters again. Might end up front stuck because I don’t believe they’re real. (All of that of course assuming I DO have it and the doctor gets it wrong) if they say I don’t have it I probably don’t and yes this means I can try to rehabilitate and live my life without alters, but I’m also going to feel like a shit human being for even INSINUATING that I have this disorder, let alone placating it.

They tell me I don’t have it and I don’t believe them. In the scenario, whether the explanation the doctor told me are bullshit or even if they say they ‘don’t believe in the disorder’, whatever the reason I have to go through this whole process again, anxiety and frustration and all. So let’s hope it’s not this.

They tell me I DO have it. This is genuinely probably the least messy outcome. I will most likely believe them just because they specialize in this area (assuming they believe in the disorder). The downside with this (aside from the obvious point of it all being real and incurable) is that the ONE other time I got validation from a mental heath professional (who was coincidentally the only mental health professional I talked to about this for more than five minutes and was also trauma informed) the ONLY time anyone said ‘yeah that very well may be what’s happening’ the system got so out of hand so fast. I could no longer push away my alters with the excuse of ‘they may not be real anyways’. And because I couldn’t use that reasoning to keep things in check everything went haywire for a few weeks until I could convince myself that we still don’t know if they’re real. So yeah. If it plays out like this things are going to be so hectic and stressful for a bit.

Either way, I’ll update you after the appointment and once I get the official diagnosis.

Systober I guess?

Apparently there’s a systober thing going on??? I’m gonna use it as a prompt for text posts each day (might draw some stuff, who knows) and we’ll see how far we can get into it and how many days we just forget. I’ll post the photo of the prompt list below. Credit to @persmo for the list.

Death by amnesia, that sounds pretty accurate.

First thing you see after you zoom in is how you die

How you dying 👀

Reblogging so I can answer the question.

There are several things that I can do to influence a switch, though I would like to preface this with two things.

1: just because it doesn’t look or feel like you would expect it to doesn’t mean you aren’t switching. For us a switch is a huge personality shift even though our conscious stays mainly unaffected. Sometimes the only way we’ve realized we switched is cause either our likes and dislikes don’t match the hosts, or a friend will point out something small we often didn’t realize we’re doing that the host would never do. (Including but not limited to: breathing patterns, posture, word choice, tone, and energy level)

2. As stated in previous posts of ours, forcing a switch when it’s not necessary can be really harmful to the system and your mental health. Trying to prove to yourself that you are valid by forcing a switch is one of the worst things you can do. You validity does not hinge on if you can switch when you want to or if you even switch at all. Your symptoms are valid even if they don’t fit into the box you’re thinking of. That being said, if you need it to happen it most likely will, but if you find yourself in a situation where you can’t switch, here are some tips of how to get it started.

Positive triggers

A positive trigger is anything that can get a headmate closer to the front. Maybe it’s their favorite song or a food they really enjoy, maybe it’s as simple as talking about them irl. It’s anything that gets them excited to front.

Environment

I personally have a hard time switching in an environment that I’m not comfortable in unless I get badly triggered and someone else comes out to deal with it. So if you’re looking for a casual switch just to learn more about you’re system, try surrounding yourself with people who are aware of the system and support all of you. Or if you would rather do this on your own, try going to a safe space where no one will interrupt you.

Unmasking

It’s possible that your headmates aren’t comfortable coming out because you are telling them they have to mask perfectly. So maybe to get them used to being in the front, let them come out when you are in a safe space and no one will judge you. Give them some time and space to be themselves. Since this is mainly a covert disorder a lot of alters very well might be great at masking, but that’s no guarantee. So start of in a safe space and a healthy mindset.

Inner system communication

This is a big one, if you have any communication between your different parts try using it to express what you would like. Be honest, they share your brain and may very well know when you’re lying. Explain that they are safe to come out and do as they please, that no one’s going to hurt them (again make sure you are in that safe space and healthy mindset). This simple encouragement can do wonders, but if they’re still hesitant for whatever reason or if the straight up just say no, respect that. Otherwise you might cause discourse or tension in the system which is the last thing you want.

I know a lot of this was more mindset stuff you can work on, but that stuff can be really helpful. I’ll end this post with another warning against forcing a switch when you don’t need to, and some encouragement that even if you don’t switch like you’re ‘supposed to’ it doesn’t make it any less valid, you’re feelings are still there and they’re real to you.

Have a good day, hope this is helpful.

-Apollo

Follow-up from this post here:

How do you personally leave the front? Is there any specific thing that you do that you consider important to the switching process?

Also, are there any tips you could possibly give me about switching out of the front?

Serious TW for SH

No photos or graphic depictions

I relapsed into sh recently, and only now told my bf. I told him that if he was mad I understood. And that if it changes anything between us I’ll work hard to repair it. I said it all by text at midnight, fully expecting him to be asleep. But he instantly called me, told me really gently that he wasn’t mad, that he understands it in pain and this is how I cope. He said it’s not okay that I do it, but that he understands and that nothing is going to change just because I didn’t tell him right away.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this man.

-Apollo