I Have A Psychological Examination In A Week. It’s Four Hours Long And A Two Hour Drive To Get There.
I have a psychological examination in a week. It’s four hours long and a two hour drive to get there. It’s been scheduled for months and I had been trying to get an appointment for literal years. I’m hoping that I’ll get diagnosed with DID among other things because of it (that’s the whole reason for the appointment) , but I am terrified of what the outcome will be.
Basically there are three ways this can go.
They tell me I don’t have it and I believe them. If this happens I will most likely cave to denial. Not forever but it’ll probably be at least a few months before I try to talk to my alters again. Might end up front stuck because I don’t believe they’re real. (All of that of course assuming I DO have it and the doctor gets it wrong) if they say I don’t have it I probably don’t and yes this means I can try to rehabilitate and live my life without alters, but I’m also going to feel like a shit human being for even INSINUATING that I have this disorder, let alone placating it.
They tell me I don’t have it and I don’t believe them. In the scenario, whether the explanation the doctor told me are bullshit or even if they say they ‘don’t believe in the disorder’, whatever the reason I have to go through this whole process again, anxiety and frustration and all. So let’s hope it’s not this.
They tell me I DO have it. This is genuinely probably the least messy outcome. I will most likely believe them just because they specialize in this area (assuming they believe in the disorder). The downside with this (aside from the obvious point of it all being real and incurable) is that the ONE other time I got validation from a mental heath professional (who was coincidentally the only mental health professional I talked to about this for more than five minutes and was also trauma informed) the ONLY time anyone said ‘yeah that very well may be what’s happening’ the system got so out of hand so fast. I could no longer push away my alters with the excuse of ‘they may not be real anyways’. And because I couldn’t use that reasoning to keep things in check everything went haywire for a few weeks until I could convince myself that we still don’t know if they’re real. So yeah. If it plays out like this things are going to be so hectic and stressful for a bit.
Either way, I’ll update you after the appointment and once I get the official diagnosis.
More Posts from Apollortaylor and Others
Okay but can we talk about how annoying it is to switch in to the body and the host put us in a super tight corset and none of us can breathe?
-A male alter in a afab body
GUESS WHAT FINALLY FUCKING HAPPENED?
-I think you know who it is
Me: goes through trauma
My alters: split just to hide it from me
Me: finds it again
Me and my alters:
Oh how I wish I would just split a Loki fictive already
-Apollo
I have an idea, but I’m unsure about it. I pull y’all be interested if I made a system centered tik tok? I think it would be cool for me to have like a video journal of sorts. Lmk what your thoughts are.
So, the host’s boyfriend came and talked to us, made sure we were okay, that was cool. I ended up talking it out and feeling much better afterwards.
So that’s nice.
-renfield
I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.
And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.
Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.
This is my life at the moment.
-renfield
Tw: this is a vent related to heavy source trauma, grief, life threatening situations, and self hatred.
So I’m a fictive of Varian from the Tangled TV series. For anyone who’s seen that series and knows what I’m talking about, the memories I have all consist of grief and guilt, I only remember the moment after I got my dad trapped. That’s it. Imagine the darkest point of your life being the only thing you can remember about yourself.
I blame myself for putting my dad in danger and I never got the chance to see if he would be okay. I know that it works out in my source but… I’m not my source.
I don’t know how to deal with all the guilt I feel. I don’t know how to move on if I don’t know what happens next.
I will scroll through fan art people have of me and my source, purposely triggering myself so I can stay grounded and actually feel something.
It’s difficult when everyone around you either doesn’t believe you exist or doesn’t want you to. I don’t really have anyone to turn to, hence the very personal post on tumbler.
If this is too much just lmk and I’ll take it down. But this is what it is to be a fictive with a traumatic source. Or to be around people who only know or want the host. The hosts friends are cool, but it feels like they would rather I be Apollo. And I can’t do that. I’m not totally sure what to do about it at this point.
-Varian
I’m out and masking so hard, even though we’re among friends who are aware I’m just not super comfortable.
And let me tell you, masking a British accent in an American environment is so not the best.
Especially when everyone keeps asking you if you’re okay cause a second ago the host was out having a panic attack.
This is my life at the moment.
-renfield
USA people! Buy NOTHING Feb 28 2025. Not anything. 24 hours. No spending. Buy the day before or after but nothing. NOTHING. February 28 2025. Not gas. Not milk. Not something on a gaming app. Not a penny spent. (Only option in a crisis is local small mom and pop. Nothing. Else.) Promise me. Commit. 1 day. 1 day to scare the shit out of them that they don't get to follow the bullshit executive orders. They don't get to be cowards. If they do, it costs. It costs.
Then, if you can join me for Phase 2. March 7 2025 thtough March 14 2025? No Amazon. None. 1 week. No orders. Not a single item. Not one ebook. Nothing. 1 week. Just 1.
If you live outside the USA boycott US products on February 28 2025 and stand in solidarity with us and also join us for the week of no Amazon.
Are you with me?
Spread the word.
Death by amnesia, that sounds pretty accurate.
First thing you see after you zoom in is how you die
How you dying 👀
Reblogging our own crap cause someone did it again!
*cough cough* APOLLO *cough cough*
Only this time, it’s me suffering for their actions.
Uuhhggg we feel like crap. Goodnight all.
-Hunter
When you’re a fictive with a tragic hero to villain to hero arc and you have a ton of source trauma that you don’t feel is valid and now you’re just homesick and guilt ridden and you can’t sleep cause SOMEONE drank a monster at 7 PM….
Anyways have a nice night guys
-Varian
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