Aldysfool - ❝ ᴛᴏ ᴘʟᴀʏ ᴛʜᴇ 𝓯𝓸𝓸𝓵,

who the fuck swiped my capri-sun?, an intro.

hey all you cool cats & kittens, i hope you enjoy getting an abridged version of this lil’ shit. xoxo, gossip girl. (sorry, i re-watched the season finale the other night.)

STATS

name: nathaniel “nat(e)” palmer as the comic.

gender & pronouns: genderqueer & he/him.

age & date of birth: 22 & dec 2nd. (sagittarius, babyyyyy)

sexuality: pansexual

hometown: in ur heart

nate, a vine collection: yup, this one, uh huh, also this & one more! 

character parallels: phillip gallagher (shameless), donkey (shrek), jughead jones (exclusively archie comics), nathan young (misfits)

ABOUT

full app. |  pinterest.

alllllright, so nate was born with some hearing loss & just when the doctors thought he was going to live a life of rapid hearing loss, his adopted parents swooped in & turned all that shit around for him. in those early days especially, he was so obsessed with being all of what they could hope for and more, that he undoubtedly absorbed so much of their love & support in comparison to his brother.

but anywho, he had surgery for two cochlear implants before age 6, and it’s worked out for him, especially because he was (and still is) a quick study. kid’s got a knack for learning/adapting like nobody’s business. but hey, he’s a human - he’s bound to make mistakes and the expectations got so high that he got frustrated with himself and decided enough was ENOUGH. the golden shine he had was starting to wear off.

so, then’s there the Age of Ethan Crabgrass  - which yes, is someone from nate’s past that caused a lot of trouble for him - but honestly, the name is more of a representation for all the discrimination and bullshit nate had to fight against. and fight, he did. in a small literal way, but mostly in a social way. humor is his best and sharpest weapon, and he’s had lots of practice wielding it.

found theatre in one of those moments ya see on the movies where the character is walking by the auditorium and the magic of the stage just pulls them in (like glee omg). it’s also where he started drinking alcohol, smoking mary & juan, and exploring his gender/how he wants to present himself to the world. the love he felt there led him straight to alderidge.

so yes, he kinda blackmailed orson after he found out - through his connects in the art department - about the extent of orson’s drug habits & took this spicy info. straight to the source. i imagine their conversation left nate feeling like he was going to Soar in this dept. troil & cress gave him a little more to work with, but he was still hungry to do something different. but then orson dies, and nate has...lots of feelings.

speaking of which, he has a therapist he’s seen since first year, dr. june, but for the last month or two, he hasn’t spoken to her. he’s too busy doing more drugs, having lots of sex, and being a Shit. to sit down and unpack that entire night and what it means is something he is putting off until...? he’s not sure, tbh. orson’s death has him Shook.

aldy (as he fondly calls alderidge) has been some of the best years of nate’s life. which is probably why he’s trying his hardest to soak up every single moment while he still can. he knows he and the rest of his classmates might not be bffs after this is all said and done, but he wants to create some lasting memories (read: be more Annoying than usual this semester).

HEADCANONS

so i did this thing here that’s my interpretation of potential connections for nate to all of his peers. from the chameleon to the villian, nate’s thoughts about everyone is there! feel free to read & if you dig what he had to say, let me know! if you hate what he had to say, let me know! (if i don’t reach out first!)

fluent in ASL (let him teach you, it’s his favorite thing) & knows lots of bad words in different languages

gives “cute” nicknames to lots of things, because hey, words are hard and sometimes his mind runs faster than his mouth. there’s probably a dictionary of these words collected over the past few years. (e.g., supe effin awk, ors ho, cae sal, mary & juan)

wants the chance to be a Serious Actor, for once in his academic career. with orson dead, maybe that has a better chance to happen. and...if nate’s honest, he’s not as sad as he should be.

especially since he still has jason’s watch, nate’s spidey senses have been tinglin’. like, i imagine he’s gonna be nosy and want to figure out what the hell went down that night. not to snitch, but to protect whoever he can. if he can.

ofhelens​:

Class is easy. Helen can do class. She can sit there, colour in her entire copy of MacBeth in pink highlighter and pretend that the world makes sense. That she was supposed to end up with this role. That Jonah was meant to be slighted. That Josie was supposed to play a minor role. (I mean Josie, really?!). Snapped out of her headspace by Nate, she smiles and nods softly. “Sorry, a thousand miles away. Just…thinking about MacBeth. Congrats - by the way. If anyone was going to curse me, I’d want it to be you.” Turning to address his actual question, she slides out a piece of loose paper. “Here - feel free to take these away. Better you fall asleep in Nicole than Sebastian’s class.”

nate bows at helen, making a dramatic show of accepting her notes. “i don’t know what it is, but i’ve just been so tired lately. and thanks - honestly, i think this show is gonna help me reach my final form; i’ll retire to the woods after graduation and start a coven, maybe.” nate grins and motions to her, “but no, an official congratulations are in order to you! i’m sure you never really saw ‘Scottish gentleman’ in your future, but here you are about deliver the best Ross I’ve ever seen, methinks. what say you, m’lady?” he slides the paper into his bag before he turns to helen, moving to leave class alongside her.

bxstvrd​:

Jonah’s eyes flickered to Nate, and he looked at his roommate, really looked at his roommate, for what felt like the first time. When he thought of Nate, he thought of lightness and air, of loud bravado and effortless friendliness. He almost wanted to fight Nate, wanted to argue with him and insist, no, you’ve never felt like this, no, there’s no way you know what this is like, and yet, he found himself believing Nate completely, without a shadow of a doubt.

It was… surprising, to say the least. That perhaps the feeling in his chest, of waves threatening to overwhelm him, of that not-so-gentle hum of anxiety in the pit of his stomach, maybe he didn’t have to explain them to Nate. Maybe Nate knew already.

“How do you… let them?” he asked, quiet, sincere. Because this, this was the hardest part for him. Somehow, he’d managed to convince two people, Helen and Harry, that he wasn’t just this shitty black hole that consumed and consumed and never gave anything back, and they were there. They wanted to help, and Jonah could not, for the life of him, figure out how to let them.

He wanted to be saved. He wanted to be saved so badly it was killing him. And then, the words were leaving his lips before he could stop them, pure terror infused into every breath, because this was his greatest fear, and he didn’t know why he was asking Nate, didn’t know how he’d allowed himself to trust in less than thirty seconds, but here he was, spilling over and spilling out, and god he just hoped Nate would understand. “What if I let them… what if they try to save me and they can’t? What if every good thing about me has rotted away and when they try to peel back all the bad and find what’s left, there’s just… nothing? What then?”

Jonah had lost his appetite completely, the banana set aside and forgotten. There was no humor that was going to penetrate this, now that Nate had dredged it all up to the surface, like pulling some great shipwreck up from the bottom of the ocean. He was the wreck, and he was somehow also the storm.

“Don’t give me the same bullshit everyone else does,” he said sharply. “The whole everyone can be saved, nobody is too broken crap. Because there are people who are just… born wrong. There are people where no matter how hard you try to be good, it doesn’t take. What are those people supposed to do?” What am I supposed to do?

.

nate hears jonah, and he can’t help but hear the voice of someone who’s clearly wrestling with a lot of heartache and unresolved trauma. while nate’s first instinct is to make jokes or run away from most (emotional) situations, he chooses to sit in it this time. and it’s hard, because it reminds him of some dark places he pulled himself out from. places he wanted to forget about. nate tries to remember that there isn’t any shame in that  — in fact, there’s a pride he can take in looking back at all the things he’s been through. what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and all that cheesy shit.

but nate doesn’t say any of that, because again, jonah isn’t in the space to hear it; in this moment when his roommate is being his most vulnerable, nate wants to help him however he can. not because it’s a good thing to do. because he wants to. even if it might not be what jonah wants to hear.

“now, you’re smart enough to know that life isn’t that cut and dry. it’d be boring if it was. there isn’t just good and bad in the world — this shit is complicated and messy and...sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s worth the trouble.” nate moves to sit at the edge of jonah’s bed and faces him. it was time they got on the same level. “but let’s say you’re right. let’s say...there are some people who are born wrong and have no chance of being ‘saved’, whatever that means. why, then, consider the possibility of opening yourself up to being rescued? that’s some self-fulfilling prophecy bullshit that i don’t agree with. holding the people you love to unrealistic expectations is the quickest way to fuck things for them and for yourself. but if you were honest, you’d admit that you don’t want to push them out. because you hope, at some point, that their kindness will rub off on you.” 

nate sighs, because he realizes he’s gone deeper than he’d like on a post-breakfast conversation, but it’s too late to turn back now. at least they’re talking. “jonah, i’ve been where you are. hell, depending on the day, i’ve been a skip away from spending all day in the bed myself. but expecting to be ‘saved’ is not the answer. you know who needs saving? kittens in trees. princesses in fairy tales. babies, like literally all the time.” nate leans forward as if he’s telling jonah as secret.

“unfortunately, you and i are none of those things. there is no saving us, because life just doesn’t happen to us. we have the means to change things, to work towards something different for ourselves. and guess what? sometimes, we gotta get down and just fight for it. so do yourself a favor, do those people who love you a favor, and fucking fight for y-ourself, man.” his voice cracks for a second, but he doesn’t care.

it’s then that nate realizes his eyes are wet. he wipes them dry with the back of his hands. 

“....shit.”

.

where: alderidge hall, 3rd floor classroom; when: the day after cast announcements; who: @ofhelens​.

senioritis was definitely a real thing, and honestly, if nate could spend all day in the rehearsal space until graduation, he would. but today, even as excited as he was from last night’s news, nate couldn’t help himself from falling asleep in the middle of a class he forgot he had been taking for the past two weeks. he jerks awake, realizing the class is over and everyone is getting up to leave. after he closes his bag, nate looks up and spots helen. she was the studious type, right? he makes his way over to her. "hey, did you happen to catch any of that? i closed my eyes for two seconds and now class is over.” 

when: immediately after the released police statement; where: the lake; who: @pvlmer​.

nate was sure he was about to lose it. sure, when he had gotten pulled away for a moment to chat with the detectives some time ago, he had convinced himself that everything would be fine. but now, sitting at the edge of the lake, nate did not feel the same way. like suddenly with that statement, everything was that much more real and it scared him. but not just for his sake. jason. nate had called him earlier and told him they needed to meet, but didn’t say for what. he just knew it was about time they talked. about everything. with thoughts burning a hole in his head, nate glances back when he hears footsteps approaching. he throws another stone across the lake. it goes right in. “i swear i’m better at this. at least, i used to be.”

bxstvrd​:

Jonah sometimes wished he’d just… left Nate there. It was a cruel thought, an intrusive one, and he could never manage to take himself to the end of that thought exercise, always snapping himself back to the reality where he’d sat with his classmate, cup of water in hand, staying the night until he was sure, sure that Nate would be okay. To this day, he had no idea why he’d done that. No idea where that kindness had come from within him. In the time since, he had decided, with a bitter sort of finality, it must have been a fluke. There was nothing else he could point to concretely that proved otherwise.

“Then let me ask a different question,” he said, finally meeting Nate’s gaze and leveling him with a sharp stare. “What’s in this for you?”

He took a deep breath, flicking his eyes back down, and he began picking at the threads of his duvet as he spoke. “People don’t just… do nice things. Not in my experience anyways. I helped you because I didn’t want to have to contend with the guilt of what could have happened if I didn’t. Not because I care. Not because I’m a good person. Probably because I’m a categorically bad person who cannot handle yet more evidence of that thrown back into my face. So, on top of being an ass, I guess I’m also a coward.”

And then, if only to make sure that Nate wasn’t going to have him committed, he added, “This happens before every audition. It’s normal. I promise.” Or at least, as normal as the crushing weight of his own depression, sitting on his chest like a ten ton gorilla, could be.

His stomach grumbled. Reluctantly, he took the banana, peeling it from the butt end and breaking off a chunk before popping it into his mouth.

nate thinks for a moment, because jonah asks him a good question, and he just doesn’t know if what immediately comes to mind is the right answer. he wants to go back and forth with jonah about how there are people in the world who just want to help. how some people actually accept their faults head-on and put in the work to become better versions of themselves. how some people are just good. end of story. but the more nate sits here and listens to jonah, the more he thinks none of that would matter. especially coming from him. so nate finishes his waffle and reaches for the bottle of OJ.

“y’know, i don’t think anybody’s a good person. i feel like most people are just trying their best not to fuck things up on a daily basis. and depending on the day, hour to hour, we’re lucky to get by.” nate shrugs.

“and i used to feel like you do. all the time. and spoiler alert, no amount of party drugs or vodka could help chase those thoughts away; in fact, they might’ve induced an episode or two. or three,” nate sits in the memories for a second, although they’re uncomfortable to him now; they feel a lifetime away. “but i let the people who were in my corner fight for me. take care of me. ...they saved my life.” nate takes a deep breath, because it’s hard to think about the person he used to be. the person he still is. the person he wants to be.

and now, looking at jonah, nate can’t help but wonder if there’s some alternate universe where they’ve switched places. because if nate didn’t have his parents or even jason, he’s sure he would be in a similiar position to jonah. and it scares him to think he wouldn’t be strong enough to last this long. but then he imagines a silly, happy jonah and it’s weird enough that he chooses to focus on that instead. nate grins.

“but you’re right. we’re not close. not even friends yet. .......and we won’t ever be, if you keep eating bananas like that. it’s a phallic fruit, but we’re not in the seventh grade, jonah. embrace the phallus and eat it like a fuckin’ normal person, or i’m never eating breakfast with you again.” 

pvlmer​:

jason follows nate into his room. despite the fact that they’re seen to a lot of people as twins, they had never really been all that alike. but for some reason, it still worked. even though there were times when jason couldn’t help but wonder what it would’ve been like if he were an only child, but he always tried to keep those thoughts at bay. because nate was his brother, and it was wrong to have all of those thoughts. even though he had them. 

“oh, right, the kitchen. i don’t think my grilled cheese can come anywhere close to the ones we get on postmates,” jason replies with a shrug. going to the kitchen to make them himself hadn’t even occurred to jason, because he always figured that no one would want anything he made – not his cooking, not his acting, not his love. “greasy and lots of calories.” he orders from his phone before sitting down next to nate. it almost feels like they’re back home, how they both used to sit on the floor and talk. they didn’t seem to do that much anymore. that was mostly jason’s fault, he had always kept certain parts of himself hidden from his brother. not because he didn’t trust him, but he just didn’t want nate to feel bad about anything. it wasn’t nate’s fault that he was more talented than jason, and that their parents loved him more. he never wanted his brother to know about the darkness that lived within him, his brother was a golden light, he didn’t deserve to see that. jason laughed at nate’s joke, despite the fact that the night had been heavy, he could always count on nate to make him laugh and take the weight off.

“i mean…just everything that happened at the winter masque. i couldn’t imagine anyone from our program killing orson so it was really weird to hear someone accusing us of killing him.”

jason hated lying to nate. he also hated how easy it was. maybe it was because he had had so much practice. so many years biting his tongue and pretending like he wasn’t angry, so many years pretending that he wouldn’t do anything just to get a fraction of what his brother got. but he had to lie to nate. he couldn’t let his brother see who he truly was, nate was one of the only people who loved jason and once he found out what a monster his brother was, that would all go away. he couldn’t corrupt his brother’s mind. so he lied through his teeth, like he had done so many times before.

if nate was honest with himself, he’d admit that jason was in his blind spot. 

nate took pride in being able to separate the truth from the bullshit on a regular basis, but he had never ever been able to get a solid read on jason. and yeah, he knew it was painfully ironic that one of the closest people in his life was also the main person nate sometimes felt like he knew nothing about. and that freaked him out on occasion ─ probably because he still held onto a lot of guilt from their upbringing. but fuck, he was tired of playing that tune. one of these days he’d quit party drugs cold turkey, go back to his weekly visits with dr. june, apologize to his brother, forget about orson, and get on with his fucking life. that day, unfortunately, was not today.

nate looks at jason longer than he should before it becomes noticeable, but nate really wants to take him in as long as he can. when he sees jason, he sees the shy kid who tagged along on (most) of his adventures. he sees a sweet, kind brother and son. he couldn’t be capable of actual terror, could he? had jason been developing into someone else this whole time and nate had been too selfish enough to notice? nate flashes a grin with his shrug, and hopes that it’s enough. but he wants to nudge at the issue, if even just a little bit further.

“i don’t know j, you never know who’s capable of something like that. you might be their roommate. their friend. hell, their brother. the claims had to have some truth to them, right?” nate sighs, “i’m just glad i don’t have to worry about you.” 

pvlmer​:

as much as jason hates to admit it, he needs this. he doesn’t want to admit that he was freaked out by the events at the masque. because that would be admitting that he has a reason to be scared. and he can’t let that happen. he can’t let people know that he had anything to do with orson’s death. least of all nate. nate was one of the only people he felt like actually believed in him and he didn’t want his brother to believe the horrible truth about him, that he was an accomplice to murder. 

jason nods as his brother relays his stressful evening. he can definitely sympathize, considering they were all accused of murdering orson. but jason knew that nate wasn’t involved in the murder, he was the perfect one. and besides, he couldn’t picture his bright and shining brother hurting anyone intentionally. jason used to think he wouldn’t hurt others intentionally either, until that night. at the mention of happy pills, jason can’t help but instinctively put his hand on nate’s shoulder. he’s not really sure what he’s trying to convey. maybe that he’s there, even if it sometimes feels like he isn’t. jason feels another pang of guilt when he realizes how scared nate must’ve been not getting an answer from him. “right, sorry about that, i put my phone on silent so i could think,” jason replies with a grimace and an ‘ i’m your brother and you love me so forgive me ’ face. 

“did someone say grilled cheese?” jason asked, with a slight smile. despite the terrible events of the night and the sheer amount of food he had eaten to avoid talking to people, jason would kill for a grilled cheese right now. “that sounds like the perfect meal to take the edge off what happened tonight. wanna postmates and hang in here?”

before jason can finish his question about nate hanging out with him, he’s already ducked past him and entered the room. nate hates feeling like this — when even he can’t laugh the pain away, but he finds some sort of peace when he’s with jason. sure, their relationship wasn’t the best, and nate hated that they were obviously keeping secrets from each other  — but they were brothers. and for every bad memory, there were two good ones in its place. at least, that’s how nate saw it. 

“well i was hoping you’d offer to go with me to the kitchen and whip up some homemade cheezies, but honestly, spending too much money on postmates sounds like a much better idea. i can send you the money, just get me anything greasy and with a stupid amount of calories on top. i trust you.” nate takes off his jacket and throws it over the back of a chair while taking in the suite jason and mathias share. he doesn’t visit often, he realizes. nate finds a seat to plop down in and spread out, the ache in his ankle dull enough to ignore. even though he tries to keep things somewhat light, nate knows he can’t bullshit with jason for much longer. he runs through a gamut of emotions — sadness, anger, confusion — and none of it seems to ever make sense of what he discovered that day with the person standing in front of him. the only brother he’s ever known. his first best friend. his first confidant. it’s heartbreaking to think jason could ever be responsible for  — 

“so. you said you needed time to think, right? ....what about? i mean, if it’s about ice caps melting in the Artic, i’m right there with you, buddy.”

i aspire to be one of those people who are known for always smelling good and treating people kindly

scenestlr​:

grace’s lines were circling in her mind throughout most of the day. she knows her role well enough, has studied in her free time ever since learning who she’d play, and really, prince escalus wasn’t a difficult role. what she didn’t prepare for was that terrible feeling of returning to alderidge and being around everyone once again. she feels stares everywhere she goes, and she knows that after she goes on, it’ll only increase.

she can’t think about how she feels like the stares were becoming less and less about her and chandler. so she ignores the looks and heads outside. away from the police and everyone else in the refectory, the music fading into the background. she appreciates the night chill as it settles into her bones, her footsteps light upon the cobblestone. she lets out a small breath, and for a moment feels at peace. right until she hears his voice, reciting a soft line from the play. and of course, nate palmer had to be out here at the one spot away from the rest of the tiny bubble that was alderidge. she considers poking fun at his running of lines but lets the comment die in her throat. (does she say anything? does she keep walking past him like she didn’t see him? what do you say to someone who found a dead body?) 

she moves towards the backdoors again, careful in her steps, but stops when she realizes the detectives have patrolled to their side of the room now. great. she wasn’t guilty, she knew that, but she didn’t want any interaction with them and whatever they wanted to find out. she turns back around, striding quickly towards the outside and where nate was smoking. she couldn’t handle the detectives and stares, but she knows she can handle nate palmer. “wow,” she intones as she leans against the outer wall, now concealed from the doors. “i didn’t mean to, uh, interrupt your serious rehearsal time. apologies.”

there are just some people in the world who don’t want to see others happy, and at this point, nate is convinced that grace ishihara is one of those people. he knew it was practically impossible for them to not see each other again ─ with such a small class size and the loom of orson’s death hanging over the department like a nimbus cloud, there was a high probability that he would have to talk to grace again before they graduated. which, honestly, couldn’t come any sooner.

nate laughs, because he always does, but this one is short and dry. “no worries. i’m just taking a page out of your book, y’know? trying to be a serious actor who cares about his craft for once. but, i gotta admit,” nate turns to face her and flicks his lighter open, “it’s as boring as it sounds.” the end of the joint burns, and nate looks back at grace with his best poker face.

there are plenty of things he could say right now that would probably be unnecessarily harsh, so he keeps his mouth shut for once. he has some sense of self-control, after all. instead, he takes a quick puff and asks, “those detectives are here for you, right?”