Latest Posts by a-small-startup - Page 3

Big Brother

It’s great to live with a sibling they say.

The fights are just a form of love they say

They said a lot of things

They said that siblings as rebels would one day turn out to be best friends

I miss that kind of a sibling.

I have a brother, not a single child.

They say a sibling tries to pull you out of shit.

He has never known I was in shit.

They say a sibling helps to stay you sober

I am just sobbing being sober

I know this poem sucks

It just that I miss having a brother

And words are not making logic.

It’s just flushing out

My dear brother,

We have had fights, and a lot of hatred. I don’t know why you hated me or why I hated you. I love you and always have, that’s why I have and will always give the world to you. I’m sorry for not calling you, not talking to you. But I miss you, I terribly do. But face it; we have just gone through shit and to deal that I have no remedy. I don’t know how to fix things, but I just want to tell you that I want a brother, the usual caring big brother. Come back to me. Take me back.

It was my birthday 2 days ago,

And the first person who came to my mind, was my dad

When I was a kid, he had hidden toffies in the small compartmemt in his bike.

and had fooled me making me so dissapointed, but it turned out that he was messing. The joy my father gave that day still brings a smile....

And it was him who gave me the best b'day when he was with me....

No birthday can beat that. But what went wrong was that rush of nostalgia making my hair color green. And popped up the questions as to what was I thinking and what made me feel so. God I hated it...

Then when my friends gave me a great bash and that joy made my hair purple.

And that's when I missed my family and that changed my hair color to blue...

And all of this was because of that bloody witch who ruined the magic trick...

I am an open book now, even though no one messes with me, but at times I like to hold things to myself....

Sometimes I am best with me and I had known me best...

A magic experiment has gone wrong and now your hair changes colour based on your emotions. This has created all sorts of awkward situations, as people can read you like a book.

Yay! Its my birthday

The outside word is harsh and cold

That’s why we keep our doors closed…

My mom told me this the first time I asked the reason behind closing the door.

Then another question arised as to why we keep our windows open

And she replied “to view the world.”

But….

Wait…!

Why see the harsh world

If we close our doors to it.

Why have windows if we want cocoons…

It was then I realized lately

That we dont close our doors because the outside world is harsh and cold

But because we are scared of the outside world

Which consists of our “own”

And we still have windows because we are anxious to know whats happening out there

This lie we tell

The blame we put

Its all an escape

To the fear within us…

The fear towards us.

We close our doors

Because we fear the outside world

19:03:18

I was never theirs

It took me a long time

To realize what had happened.

All this while I was blaming them

For the way I was.

It was me who made all the mistakes…

Mistake of trusting them,

Believing in them,

Thinking they were mine.

I thought I was loved less…

How wrong was I..

Coz’ I was never loved at all.

I thought they wanted good for me,

Alas, good was never present.

I thought a lot of things,

Perhaps how wrong was I…

My parents were never mine,

It was never their mistake

Coz’ I was the one who had mistaken

That I was theirs

But it turns out that

I was never theirs….

I came home late and found Mike sitting on the couch very disturbed

Me : what happened Mike, you seem upset, everything fine at work..?

Mike : everything is fine at work, I just have to attend a wedding reception tonight, I just got a call.

Me : what's wrong in that? you tired?

Mike : no, Mary is getting married, remember.... my ex.?

Me : It's fine baby, since she is fine why do you worry..? Go, wish her and come back.

Mike : *sighs* ok, I'll go, can you come with me, please..?

*my phone rings*

Me : hello, yes, oh, how are you.?

what.?

Congratulations..... when..?

Today! I'll try

You won't believe this, Mark got married today and he just invited me for his reception, like now...!

Mike: what..? You're ex, Mark..? What a fucking coincidence..?

Me : I guess we both have to go and congratulate the couple, I wish I could have with you...

Mike : It's fine, get dressed.

We got dressed up and we both headed out, he took a cab and I took the car, I walk in to the reception hall and turn around to find Mike

Both of us were upset as shit. It was over, we could have not gone, but we had to, we had to tell them we moved on...

Mike : what the fuck, wait... really.

Yes our ex were getting married to each other, which means their ex got married to each other, which was fucking crazy. We dint invite them for our wedding, so they have no idea...

We walked up, posed for a pic, him next to her and me next to Mark. It was the worst situation I was in...

We walk out hand in hand...

Mary & Mark : that was my ex, deal done of inviting them to our wedding...

Now, more than us they were fucked up exactly on their wedding day...

Family is not just mom and dad

It's the one who love you

And I've seen mine in you

I know I'm an idiot

I ruin things that are great in life

And later mourn about it

I realise late that I've damaged

What we had

And this time I guess it's beyond repair

For the first time I wish

I had an undo button for life

Coz' I have never mourned over anything

Like this before

I have had fights with you before

But believed it will all be fine

But I guess I lost you this time

Once and for all...

Like these tip of buildings we see

Lays the faces of people

Not just others but also yours and mine

Where all of our beauty is beneath the clouds

And they see from top

Flying so high

Never coming down

To know what we are

I wish you came down

And knew what I was

Right from the bottom

All the way up.....

I see this building everyday

Standing tall and bold

And every time I pass it,

I feel it has something to tell me

I wish it had emotions

Because people around me do not

Even if they have they don’t show anymore just to me but to anybody

Emoticons today express emotions better than faces

And buildings speak more than people

Maybe I’m paranoid

Seeking emotions in objects

But trust me

People don’t show emotions anymore

The faces look pale and eyes moist

The mouth opens to speak

But lips close and a vague smile pops

It’s difficult to know

You seem fine but you’re not

You seem stable but you’re not

It’s hard to understand

Because you don’t speak

Nor do you smile

All I see is a vague smile that’s hiding

All the emotions I want to know

I wish you burst out

Because the building I see shows more emotions than you do

I connect to it more that I do to you

what’s in a name

You call me by my name all the time

And it used to feel great to hear it from you

I loved the sound you used make

And how you use a lot of different tones

I get your mood by the way you call,

But Daddy

It has all changed nowadays

You used to do all these things

And made me feel I was your princess

But

Then I realized that

Whenever you call brother

Its always a different tone

Infact, you never call him by his name

But rather all different adjectives

Sometimes its ‘champ’ otherwise ‘buddy’

Yet other times you call him

‘your darling son’

And the only tone that you use the days

The way you call my name

These days brings horror in me

Don’t call me by my name Daddy

Coz’ it makes me scared

That you’ll scold me again

Don’t call me by my name Daddy

Coz’ it makes my entire body shiver

Don’t call me by my name

Don’t call me by my name Daddy….

My thoughts are spirals

of feelings cross linked

with other’s perspectives.

I don’t get what you say

and you don’t get what I say.

My perceptions are right for me

But it just leads to misunderstandings,

i din’t mean to hurt you

or prick you by my words.

Its not that I don’t understand

But all I seek is answers 

to questions in my head.

Maybe I should not have asked,

Shutting my mouth would have been better.

Now its all shattered like glass,

too hard to replace.

I don’t have the energy to do it.

I wish it all ended,

or rather

I wish I could just sleep

for days and years altogether

never waking up to another day

never having to deal with the chaos.

I know I’m running away

but i don’t have the strength to stand

to deal with this

I feel hopeless

I wish I could sleep

not just tonight but forever.....

trying to figure me out

The other day someone asked me, what’s the most precious thing in your life? Or maybe something that you hold on to? I thought for a very long time and my answer was “nothing”. Yes, I do not associate feelings with objects anymore. There was a time when even the smallest of objects meant the world to me, where I was close to all petty things and anything anybody gave me it meant the world to me. I used to cry and drain my tears out if I lost something, but now things have changed. I first thought that it was because of the so called “maturity” I gained with increasing age and that it was normal. I thought it was childishness that I expressed before.

But I just feel that day by day I am getting detached from things. I think that I don’t associate feelings with objects because then, being objects they tend to get damaged and when that happens it hurts. And I thought maybe I’ll leave objects and associate greater amount of feelings with people. There are very few people in my life with whom I associate. I thought this was what growing up meant, that when you become matured this is what you do, but alas I preferred the childishness.

There was a thing with associating feelings with objects, there is no expectation of the object to have the same feeling towards you and thus without expectations there is no scope for disappointments.

With people it complicates things. You have to get what you give and when that does not happen you feel disappointed. So was I. With all those disappointments in life from people every now and then, I just realized that I can’t associate with anything. I just can’t.

Neither people nor things. After every failure, breakup of every relationship, loosing of objects I tend to move on very easily in life and people think that I’m emotionless, a lot have said too but I have just become so. From too emotional to emotionless. I couldn’t take the disappointments so I stopped expecting. Maybe this is good maybe it isn’t. I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

People say that I use them for my gain, well when I was being used I dint complain, but when you get the taste of your own medicine its bitter now!

People say that my behavior and attitude isn’t right, well you just get what you give.

I have always been told that my ego is my biggest enemy, you call it ego I call it, self respect.

I don’t care about others and their feelings you say, when no one gave a damn about me I just stopped caring.

For me, I am the way life has tamed me. I might be emotionless, egoistic, rude, emotionless or anything. It’s your perception about me, and I can’t do anything about it. But don’t give me hopes, don’t talk about me or regarding my presence in your life to someone associated with us and I get to know from them. If you want to say something, tell it to me right at my face I won’t feel offended. Don’t be surprised when I get worried about the people in my life, even though I don’t show any emotions I’m very protective when it comes to my people. I loved the old me but I wasn’t practical, the new me is just a reflection of how I’m treated. The people around me and situations I have been through have made me think this way. Maybe it isn’t it pleasing and convenient but this way I’m not hurt every now and then. So I prefer being this way because I now care more about me than others, as that phase of me putting everybody else before me has passed long time ago.

What I wouldn’t do for you

You were my kid once. You were the one I cared about the most once. You were my soul and my life. I don’t know when that changed and how it changed. I remember giving you all that was mine. Being partial towards everything you did. Knowing all your sins and still supporting you. I was your backbone and I was your system. I dint care about me, my things, or my life, for that matter. I wanted you to be in peace and have fun in life. From 15 I turned 35 for you and from 35 I turned you 15. I would have done anything for you, bring starts on earth, travel to Mars to give you a little alone time. I would have done anything you asked for, you demanded for. I dint care about how you asked. I would have and actually speaking I did.

But you started betraying me, using me, and above all took me for granted. You assumed that I was just for you and had nothing of my own. You dint even acknowledge my presence let alone my life. I would hear hours together about what you have to say, but when I open my mouth you disappear. I give you everything I have but you can’t even give me a small portion of your time. I would have given you my soul and my life, actually speaking I did.

If you had been loyal to me, I would have given you my life. I wouldn’t do any of this for you now. In fact I wouldn’t do anything for you now. And now by you I mean everybody. I wouldn’t do anything for anybody because I’m tired, sick and done doing it for you and everybody else. What I wouldn’t do for you? You ask me, well I wouldn’t do anything for you my dear, not just for you but for anybody, is all I say, to you and to everybody.

To find that they were better off

Behind those locked doors.

Being lovers or strangers, either way being them

And not exposed and vulnerable

223. Incognito

Behind closed doors, they were lovers.

I seek organization in my chaos

I constantly live in chaos but seek organization. I envy those who do great but am not jealous. I love it when someone compliments me, but don't know how to react. I love the fact that I am liked and disliked by a lot of people at the same time.

And all these thoughts bring about a lot of question in my mind. I have been aloof in a long while about everything. I have been pushing away deadlines, stay awake and do nothing. I have wasted my time and energy doing nothing as if I have got nothing.

There is indeed a lot of things I want to do. And that question I was talking about which haunts me is "where is all this leading to?"

I am completely insane about the fact that I have a lot of errands to run and I am still aloof.

It is actually astonishing and weird that I notice all the chaos in life and still do nothing about it. But I know that I am seeking for organization. But something, some force, maybe the biggest enemy of mine is pulling me down. "Laziness"

Its completely strange and crazy to say this, but I think I am responsible for my failure, it is my stupidity of all that makes me react and overreact to unnecessary, well let's say not so important things in life. I am angry at someone for being good and dissapointed in me for staying aloof.

I am not pinpointing anything or infact pinpointing myself. I think its the 3:30 am thoughts. Maybe sleeplessness. Maybe the disturbance in my head. But again there is peace and a sence of calmness in my head. I guess I have a clear head now and the morning would be without the laziness and the aloofness. I guess I'll be fine the first thing in the morning.

I guess its all in your head. And yet again I seek organization in my chaos.

We seem to often complain that life seems strange. Well, life IS strange. There is really nothing we can do about it. In life everything is a surprise, we say that all we have is the present, but guess what we even ruin that. Coz, we don’t know what we are gonna end up doing.

I am not depressed right now, I am not angry either, for me this was a surprise. But somewhere deep down the lane, I knew that I would burst out, that I would lend a shoulder to cry on like I did last night, and that I would burst out the next day.

“It’s too good to be true.” It indeed is. How can you just agree to anything that someone says? What about your perspective then?

What about taking care of yourself, when are you planning to do that? I have done the same thing that you do. The same question is what rings in my mind all the time “what would they be going through?” BUT YOU SHOULD FUCKING STOP. In this long and tiring process of taking care of others, we lose our self. Because like we do, nobody in the fucking world cares. I know it’s not easy to change, but when you can change for good, why not?

Why would you want to keep stumbling upon the same stones that you always have? Why?

I know there are a lot of questions I am asking you here. I know. But these are questions you should ask yourself. I just am asking it so that it rings a bell.

I was the same as you. Talking care of other people’s feelings, their thoughts, what they would feel, and how they would have been feeling at that moment. But who are we to decide that? Everybody in life has shit to deal with, and it is their problem not ours. We need to have a grip on us, our feelings, our thoughts, what we are going through, because only then can you have a clear perspective about what you want.

Compromises for others are to be made in life all the time, but that doesn’t mean that we just keeping pushing our feelings in to that deep pit. Nope. We don’t do that and moreover we shouldn’t.

I don’t know what you feel, what you think because you don’t say and all you do is just agree with whatever shit I say. I may make sense, I might ever be right, not for you but for me. So stop doing things for me, stop agreeing with me and start giving respect to what you feel and you.

he thinks he gave me scars,

scratched the old ones.

he has not given me tears, because all he has given me is  happiness beyond words

the intensity of your love is what brings me closer to you, closer to your love and beyond all to life

I know I cried. I know I should not have. 

but that’s what i am. 

tears are my mates and sadness my pal. 

you have not brought them to me, they stayed from before.

I am healed not from what happened today, but I am healed from my old scars, not by time but by your love.

so my love, don’t take the blame, take credit for bringing me back to life,

coz, i owe this to you and your love

When new things happen in life, what do you do? Depending on the happening you either become happy or sad, right?

Well, that's what I'm going through right now. I am happy, well happy would be a small word, I'm extremely overwhelmed. Happier than ever, and that's what worries me... But I guess with him by my side I will be fine.

Because today had been a perfect day. Brunch with friends, lot of laughter and hard core fun.

He sent me something that's his. Something that was a piece of his life... Maybe I really had no idea how much I made him feel infinite...

This feeling of happiness seems wonderful, well leaves me speechless whenever I think about the great things happening.

Maybe I should just sit back and relax like how he always says

I do not know, even though its confusing, there is clarity in this fairy tale that he has built me. Because more than love, I trust him

I am done taking care of people. Wanting them to be fine. Making it my priority. Thinking way too much. I am literally done. It is tiring and the worst thing is that they are not worth it.

I want to take care of myself, I want me to be fine too. Because on the whole literally there is no one who actually asks you whether you are fine. I am tired fulfilling others and tired of making ammends for them. Its my turn now. I am gonna be there for me and no one else. Coz they actually dont deserve it.

Or like my friend says now is not the time for them.

Please don’t fall in love with me. Just don’t. I am merely giving you a word of advice or rather a word of caution for I’m not worth your time. I am a mess, and a complicated one at that. You can’t handle someone like me for I got too many issues even with myself. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anyone because I always knew I will never be good enough for anybody. Before you blabber on how you accept me or you won’t get tired of me, know the real me. Who is the real me by the way? I don’t even know it myself. I tend to push people away before they get too close for they will also get tired and leave me like everyone else. Then I will blame myself. See? I even get tired of myself too. I always feel down and get sad without a particular reason. I don’t want to be a burden to anybody especially to you. Please don’t fall in love with me. I am just saving you from the hassle.

c.i.j. // no trespassing (via elementalalchemist)

my exact same feelings right now. exact same way i wanna explain <3

true

I don’t want to write about romantic love anymore. I’m not bitter or anything, kinda remorseful in a sense because I have my fair share of heartaches and heavy feelings with guys who aren’t willing to reciprocate what I can offer. But love is so overrated nowadays, it’s like everyone treats romantic love like an oxygen for a dying soul. They treat it as an antidepressant for their lonely mindsets and empty hearts. How about unconditional love from people who cares for us the most? Isn’t it considered a form of love? We all desire for a romantic partner whom we can spend our Friday nights and Saturday morning with. We want to receive sweet morning phone calls and text me when you get home kind of love. We want long car drives with someone while listening to our favorite songs. We want someone to watch our corny horror movies with and watch the stars in night afterwards. We are blinded by the fact that if we don’t get to experience those, we will never be truly happy. But how about the feeling of doing something we really love like reading a favorite novel on a long bus ride and the feeling of the first sip of coffee in the morning? The feeling we get when we see the smile of our parents after receiving good news. The feeling of hugging a sister after few months of not seeing each other. Some moments are being taken for granted while we are so busy wishing for someone who can’t even paint a smile in our faces.

If I could...

I always wonder, if I could do a lot of things, life would have been a bit more simpler.

if I could read other people's mind it would have been simpler to avoid complications, to not hurt people. I would not have broken the trust of my beloved and regret those lies.

if I could go back in time, I would have undone a lot of things that hurt her and made her eyes go wet. I would have not fallen in love with all those wrong guys and now be in a state of hating love.

if I could get a second chance, I would apologize to all those whom I hurt.

if I could.... if I just could... I would do a hundred things that made life simpler, that made life easier.

I am doing it again

I thought I was done with it. With this so called "Love". I believed that what I expect of love will never be given to me. I was sure it was all over. 

But here I am sitting on my desk, gazing at my desktop screen, reading all those wonderful texts he sent me. Those lines of poetry that I had always wanted to hear. His words are the petals of the rose named love. But I fear that  the thrones of the rose will prick me in no time.

Maybe  this insecurity of mine is pointless, maybe even meaningless. That's what he told me too......

Maybe I am just fearing a bit too much. Maybe I am thinking too much. maybe........

I hope its just all in my head. And this time maybe it will work out. maybe my insecurity will just be done. he may be different from the rest. I now he is. the better different I hope

in love with this

Road.

Two roads diverged,

like the Robert frost poem.

I reckon, I chose the right one.

The one that took me, lands away,

showed me a small glimpse of

what the Eden looks like.

Verdure, the road beholds nothing

but lustful verdure on both sides.

I felt like I was drowning,

I felt like I was in middle of

a boisterous ocean.

A ocean, big, but not blue.

I confronted things I had never ever

felt in the bustle city life on mine.

I witness greenery, a sheer flora.

Like a big green mattress

laid vastly infront of me.

I felt like a small lost little ant

looking from sugar crumbs

moving back and forth

in that mattress.

I didn’t know how long I’d been there.

Probably hours, but I realized one thing,

All these days in the cantankerous life

I had had, I had lived like a man

who was allergic to oxygen.

I though maybe I should pack

something with me. It should not be

the oxygen, it should not be

that seducing frondescence,

it should not be the dangling harvests

It should be something that reminds me

what I withstood that moment.

Instead of all the alluring things out there

I chose the tamest one,

It was the picturesque memories

that I bagged wishing secretly that

I could cherish it every day.

- lsr

I do... do I... ??

Yesterday I went shopping with my granny and aunt. For a change, I was wearing a sari. a black sari with bronze border. I was looking pretty good.

The idea of going with them was not a good one. I was damn bored. I was gazing around the shop looking at things that I would never buy. What else to do...

I was standing there looing at some dress, when an old lady came next to me and asked "Your sari is amazing. Where did you buy that from dear?"

"Its from Kerala aunty"

(I am now in Chennai. TN)

"Oh! its beautiful. I was shopping for my granddaughter and she loves black. she is almost your age and looks like you too. could you please help me select one for her. My taste you see is quite old"

"sure aunty"

I was happy that she asked for my help. Now at least I will be looking around with some purpose. Now, there is certainly one thing about old people. they are damn inquisitive... In no time they pull out every detail about you. So was this lady, she was asking me all sorts of questions, I did not want to be rude so I answered with patience and moreover she was very sweet.

After a while I picked out a black sari with pink and green border. It was a beauty. she seemed satisfied too... as I was helping her with a billing she insisted on getting me something too. now that's too much. I politely declined. She finally gave up and suddenly out of nowhere a guy called her.

"Where were you? I was looking all around the place for you"

"You were bored weren't you. This young girl helped me pick a sari for your sister"

"Thank you so much. I'm Ram"

"Hey. I'm Razia"

A tall handsome young guy. A beard, tall, husky voice. Just amazing. I never used to believe in love at first sight. "Bullshit" was my synonym for it. But yesterday when I saw him I got butterflies in my stomach. I just couldn't take my eyes off him.

But that's it. I get that feeling for the first time and that too towards a person I will never meet again. 

God wasn't that cruel too. that aunty was so happy with me helping her that she too out a small piece of paper, wrote her name, address and her grandson's no. she told me to call him if I get any confusions with the address as I am new in town.

I have that paper right in front of me. I do lie him. but do I? I can call him should I? questions unanswered I sit her perplexed. I don't now. maybe as I always say, there isn't love at first sight, it always a crush and he would also pile up in my little list of crushes.  

“Giving you pain is not the only way life knows to make you suffer. Sometimes taking the pleasure out of you will suffice.”

lsr

And when the one person is gone you never expected to lose you’re left wondering why. Trying to figure out what pushed them away, wondering what you have done wrong over and over again. Everything you’ve ever said, everything you’ve ever done is repeating all over in your head trying to make sense of it, but you can’t no matter how hard you try and it hurts so badly. You still want to tell them everything that happens in your life and the realization that they’re no part of it anymore feels like being stabbed in the chest repeatedly. And trying to accept this is hard because you can’t get them out of your mind, missing them so badly and it hurts, it hurts so terribly.

I’m sorry. (via painfully-isolated)

Everything that is happening right now

Will used to love me when I got nothing but my aching soul.

Seeing the pain seeing the pleasure.

And I could fall or I could fly. Hanging on the words you say.

With you my dear I'm safe

Tell me why I can be there where you are

Its a paradise and it is a war zone

(Songs : "The moon song" "Pillow talk" "Show me the meaning" "Dive")

It all happens, but he doesnt know...

I see you everyday, when you come in the same train. Sit right opposite me everyday. And you dont even notice me. I work in your same building one floor down but never have you noticed me. I sip coffee everyday sitting far away noticing your charm and wondering will it ever happen. But not once have you known my existence.

I reached home late, and there you were making dinner for us. After I had freshened up we both sat down in the balcony table and had the wonderful dinner under the moon light. I was lost in your arms and spellbound by your gaze. Your one touch makes me go numb, your one kiss melted me completely.

I wake up to find out its all a dream. A dream I wait to see everynight. An universe opposite to reality I had made up.

I see you again in the train and in the coffee shop waiting to go and sleep so I can fall in your arms and feel your love in the parallel universe I have made for myself. The romance there never dilutes, never vanishes. I love you. And will always do...

!....?

Everytime you talk to someone new. You reveal something new. And you keep wondering why you said that. So am I wondering now. Why am I telling you all this. Why am I talking to you. You were a complete stranger until recently and suddenly you have become someone I can count on. Where is all this leading to. What does all this indicate.

I have had many people come and go in my life. I dont want you to be added to that list. I like you and want you to stay. Eager to find out how this ends. Where this is taking me.

Gosh! What am I doing. Why am I doing this.?!