I See This Building Everyday

Vikram from the coffee shop

I was new in town then, had not known what to do and where to go on a boring Sunday afternoon. I took my bike and went to the mall and the first shop that my eyes fell on was the book store. I went in brought “The Girl on the Train” by Paula Hawkins. Well, a lot of people had suggested that book to me and finally when my eyes fell on the book I couldn’t resist it. I brought the book and headed to CCD. I don’t know whether it was because of Sunday, or because everyone was bored, the coffee shop was crowded like never before. Thankfully I got a table for two, went in, sat down, ordered a cup of hot cappuccino and started reading the book. Just when I finished the third of fourth page, a guy came in and distracted me. I get very annoyed when someone disturbs me in the middle of reading. I looked up,

“Is this seat taken? The café is crowed and literally there is no other seat available so do you mind?“

A tall guy with great physique and just amazing eyes, a guy to whom you could never say no

“Sure, no one is going to come here”

“Thank you”

Well, I continued with my book and he got into his business. Surprisingly he too had a Paula Hawkins’ book in hand. “One Minute to Midnight” I was about to ask him whether he had read mine, when he noticed the book in my hand.

“That’s a good book, I very recently read that and trust me the suspense is good”

“Oh! I was about to ask you the same. Actually this is the first book of the author that I am trying and I have no idea how it’s going to be. I have heard great review about it from friends and so thought would give it a try.”

“Well, you won’t be disappointed, trust me. Even I started with that book of the author and this is my third. I just am not able to stop”

“That’s nice to know. Well if its reader certified then I am sure it would be worth it.”

In no time I realized that we had both closed our books which is quite unusual about me because I never stop reading and talk, otherwise I am very talkative but when I have books I just am absorbed in it. But this guy had a different charisma; he just made me do the unthinkable. We talked about a lot of stuff like books, other authors, how Indian authors have developed in the past few years, criticized a lot of authors and surprisingly both of us agreed on a lot of things. Normally my taste of books is bizarre, I don’t completely follow any author or genre, I just like to experiment new authors, genres and different styles. And when I say this to people everybody thinks I am weird but he was just like that. It was amazing to find a person like that. I had associated and connected to a complete stranger in no time.

We had talked for hours and after a long time I realized that I had to go. I did not want to leave him and go anywhere but I had to.

"It was great talking to you, but I have to go now, so see you again if possible”

“Oh yes even I need to be somewhere I just dint realize how time passed. It was great meeting you too.”

“Bye”

“Hey, I’m Vikram, by the way”

He extended his hand.

“I’m Razia” I replied and we both shook hands and parted our ways.

That was when I realized that we had talked for hours and dint even bothers to ask each other’s name. It’s been a year and a half now since this incident. Whenever I see that book I remember him, but even though I had been back to the coffee shop again a couple of times I dint meet him.

To be honest in a way it is good because maybe it won’t be the same if we meet again, because that one day that I had spent with him was wonderful. It was nice and I don’t want to ruin it with another meeting. Sometimes it’s just good with one meeting alone. If that person come back in your life and takes a permanent place it might not be the same.

I came home late and found Mike sitting on the couch very disturbed

Me : what happened Mike, you seem upset, everything fine at work..?

Mike : everything is fine at work, I just have to attend a wedding reception tonight, I just got a call.

Me : what's wrong in that? you tired?

Mike : no, Mary is getting married, remember.... my ex.?

Me : It's fine baby, since she is fine why do you worry..? Go, wish her and come back.

Mike : *sighs* ok, I'll go, can you come with me, please..?

*my phone rings*

Me : hello, yes, oh, how are you.?

what.?

Congratulations..... when..?

Today! I'll try

You won't believe this, Mark got married today and he just invited me for his reception, like now...!

Mike: what..? You're ex, Mark..? What a fucking coincidence..?

Me : I guess we both have to go and congratulate the couple, I wish I could have with you...

Mike : It's fine, get dressed.

We got dressed up and we both headed out, he took a cab and I took the car, I walk in to the reception hall and turn around to find Mike

Both of us were upset as shit. It was over, we could have not gone, but we had to, we had to tell them we moved on...

Mike : what the fuck, wait... really.

Yes our ex were getting married to each other, which means their ex got married to each other, which was fucking crazy. We dint invite them for our wedding, so they have no idea...

We walked up, posed for a pic, him next to her and me next to Mark. It was the worst situation I was in...

We walk out hand in hand...

Mary & Mark : that was my ex, deal done of inviting them to our wedding...

Now, more than us they were fucked up exactly on their wedding day...

I plug in my earphones with no music switched on

The night slowly turned mellow.

The embrace of my best friend's mother

and the timing of my google photo notifications

just feels like a hug and a salp at the same time.

I gaze at pictures of the sky,

my phone chimes again

It's the reminder I had set to call my parents.

I swipe it away and brush off my thoughts

I do not have the energy to dial the number

and deal with both of them.

I continue looking at the image from last year,

a time when I was at a stranger's house

as I didn't wanna go home

I saw how juggling between multiple things,

multitasking, studying and working

were all pins to my shoulder

pinned with pride and a pinch of salt.

I remember how I was happy for the lack of time

to think, to feel and to contemplate.

But then going home, going back to that house

having to live with the person

whose house I left years ago.

scared me in a way I didn't know of

It made me want to leave even before reaching

It made me want the plane to crash

the car to stumble

the road to split.

It scared me that staying under the same roof

would scratch wounds that had become scars

would lead to conversations that would end to fights

I reached the building she called home and I called house

I remember how she would want to embrace me in a hug and I'd stand still

I remember how she wanted to know the people in my life

and how she wasn't a part of it

I remember how she had faded from all of it

While I stab my toe on the way to find my notebook to scribble this down

My phone chimes of the reminder to sleep

I still stare at the notification.

I miss the person I don't want in life.

I seek organization in my chaos

I constantly live in chaos but seek organization. I envy those who do great but am not jealous. I love it when someone compliments me, but don't know how to react. I love the fact that I am liked and disliked by a lot of people at the same time.

And all these thoughts bring about a lot of question in my mind. I have been aloof in a long while about everything. I have been pushing away deadlines, stay awake and do nothing. I have wasted my time and energy doing nothing as if I have got nothing.

There is indeed a lot of things I want to do. And that question I was talking about which haunts me is "where is all this leading to?"

I am completely insane about the fact that I have a lot of errands to run and I am still aloof.

It is actually astonishing and weird that I notice all the chaos in life and still do nothing about it. But I know that I am seeking for organization. But something, some force, maybe the biggest enemy of mine is pulling me down. "Laziness"

Its completely strange and crazy to say this, but I think I am responsible for my failure, it is my stupidity of all that makes me react and overreact to unnecessary, well let's say not so important things in life. I am angry at someone for being good and dissapointed in me for staying aloof.

I am not pinpointing anything or infact pinpointing myself. I think its the 3:30 am thoughts. Maybe sleeplessness. Maybe the disturbance in my head. But again there is peace and a sence of calmness in my head. I guess I have a clear head now and the morning would be without the laziness and the aloofness. I guess I'll be fine the first thing in the morning.

I guess its all in your head. And yet again I seek organization in my chaos.

When new things happen in life, what do you do? Depending on the happening you either become happy or sad, right?

Well, that's what I'm going through right now. I am happy, well happy would be a small word, I'm extremely overwhelmed. Happier than ever, and that's what worries me... But I guess with him by my side I will be fine.

Because today had been a perfect day. Brunch with friends, lot of laughter and hard core fun.

He sent me something that's his. Something that was a piece of his life... Maybe I really had no idea how much I made him feel infinite...

This feeling of happiness seems wonderful, well leaves me speechless whenever I think about the great things happening.

Maybe I should just sit back and relax like how he always says

I do not know, even though its confusing, there is clarity in this fairy tale that he has built me. Because more than love, I trust him

Please don’t fall in love with me. Just don’t. I am merely giving you a word of advice or rather a word of caution for I’m not worth your time. I am a mess, and a complicated one at that. You can’t handle someone like me for I got too many issues even with myself. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anyone because I always knew I will never be good enough for anybody. Before you blabber on how you accept me or you won’t get tired of me, know the real me. Who is the real me by the way? I don’t even know it myself. I tend to push people away before they get too close for they will also get tired and leave me like everyone else. Then I will blame myself. See? I even get tired of myself too. I always feel down and get sad without a particular reason. I don’t want to be a burden to anybody especially to you. Please don’t fall in love with me. I am just saving you from the hassle.

c.i.j. // no trespassing (via elementalalchemist)

my exact same feelings right now. exact same way i wanna explain <3

It all happens, but he doesnt know...

I see you everyday, when you come in the same train. Sit right opposite me everyday. And you dont even notice me. I work in your same building one floor down but never have you noticed me. I sip coffee everyday sitting far away noticing your charm and wondering will it ever happen. But not once have you known my existence.

I reached home late, and there you were making dinner for us. After I had freshened up we both sat down in the balcony table and had the wonderful dinner under the moon light. I was lost in your arms and spellbound by your gaze. Your one touch makes me go numb, your one kiss melted me completely.

I wake up to find out its all a dream. A dream I wait to see everynight. An universe opposite to reality I had made up.

I see you again in the train and in the coffee shop waiting to go and sleep so I can fall in your arms and feel your love in the parallel universe I have made for myself. The romance there never dilutes, never vanishes. I love you. And will always do...

Faith.

Why am I so attached to strangers and detached from people who are mine? A question that has been haunting me for a while now. I have opened up so much to a completely stranger giving him the key to all my secrets making myself vulnerable.

Yes, my social network friend. We became friends a little while ago and now I have become quite close to him. Inseprable.

But having told him all my secrets I feel vulnerable. I feel weak. I do not know how to overcome this fear.

Having been stabbed in the back by people I have trusted, now I feel telling unknown people is much more safer than telling the known one.

I hope you wont stab me like all the others did. You wont leave my hand when I hold on to with all the trust I have. The faith; if shattered again then I would never be able to gain it back nor will I trust anyone ever again be it known or unknown.

Hey there,

This turned out to be a huge success, with maybe just 6 performances including me, the encouragement from people and the participants have been so overwhelming, thanks a lot. 

The performers being:

1. Asfiya Sherif 2. Shyamala 3. Monica

4. Anusha 

5. Enigma @enigmasandephipanies

Also a huge shout out to all the people who joined @heofnothingness @hiraeth73 Arya, Megha, Riddhima, Maria, Mirium, Jeena, Paul, Zerin, Bhargavi, Swati, Pooja and Prince and all the others who joined in.... I have no words to express how it all went

Online Open Mic

Greetings of the day! Good whatever in whichever time zone you’re in.  Hope everyone is safe, well let’s get best of the lock down. I am organizing an online open-mic for all the poets and writers out there. 

All you have to do is message me and I will send you the link. The open mic is gonna be on Zoom an online platform, if you don’t wanna perform you can be a spectator to encourage.  So the details are:

Date : 29.04.2020 Time : 08:00 pm IST (Indian Standard Time) GMT + 05:30 Venue : Zoom Platform video call Language : English only

If interested send me a message and I will send you the link