Trying To Figure Me Out

I was never theirs

It took me a long time

To realize what had happened.

All this while I was blaming them

For the way I was.

It was me who made all the mistakes…

Mistake of trusting them,

Believing in them,

Thinking they were mine.

I thought I was loved less…

How wrong was I..

Coz’ I was never loved at all.

I thought they wanted good for me,

Alas, good was never present.

I thought a lot of things,

Perhaps how wrong was I…

My parents were never mine,

It was never their mistake

Coz’ I was the one who had mistaken

That I was theirs

But it turns out that

I was never theirs….

The window

If only you could open doors that would change things,

Sometimes like how you think of running far away to those places you never know of

Those meadows and sunsets you have written about, you've read about, you've thought about.

I don't know about you, but I have.

I have wanted to open that window to the perfect home I've imagined.

To that home, where amma and appa had figured out things

Where my older brother wasn't threatened by my birth

Where I wasn't threatened by that hand that made me uncomfortable.

Where my screams would be heard through the window.

Where when I cried, I had a hand to hold on to.

Where I did not run away from, I did not ignore calls, where my memories of childhood were not fights and hatred.

That window which did not show me trying to kill myself

I dream of building that home, where I am safe, I am heard and I am wanted. But now when I do, I feel like I'm caged inside the cocoon that I have build shooing away people. While then it was being in a house that wasn't my home and now a home that feels like a house.

Sometimes, someday I will open that window where I will have a painting hung on the wall of a meadow, a framed picture of people on my bedside table, and my bookshelves across the bed. Someday it will contain a hand that will embrace me and a shoulder to lean on to.

Image from: Razia @a-small-startup

I dont want to...

You seldom start a journey with hopes of being somewhere, excitement of meeting someone and the thirst to be around your people.

So did I want to be in a place where no matter how crazy I become it would be fine.

Because I was going "home" where there were "my people"

Mistaken was I that it would not matter.

Because I just was an obligation they could not say no to.

The excitement was one sided and so were the hopes.

Even before reaching I want this journey to end

My destination never to come.

I want to go back and never return.

This was a bad idea but now I cant turn back.

I dont want this vaccation

I dont wanna go "home"

Will used to love me when I got nothing but my aching soul.

Seeing the pain seeing the pleasure.

And I could fall or I could fly. Hanging on the words you say.

With you my dear I'm safe

Tell me why I can be there where you are

Its a paradise and it is a war zone

(Songs : "The moon song" "Pillow talk" "Show me the meaning" "Dive")

Half hidden, half in the light. My tangled legs wanna leave all this behind and run.

Run towards the light. Towards the peace towards serenity.

But my legs are struck,

they're bound to stay,

no one has locked me in,

but my legs are pulled back

and they are asked to stay.

They are told to finish what I'm doing.

Half in the darkness and half in light, my legs want to run towards the ocean.

When new things happen in life, what do you do? Depending on the happening you either become happy or sad, right?

Well, that's what I'm going through right now. I am happy, well happy would be a small word, I'm extremely overwhelmed. Happier than ever, and that's what worries me... But I guess with him by my side I will be fine.

Because today had been a perfect day. Brunch with friends, lot of laughter and hard core fun.

He sent me something that's his. Something that was a piece of his life... Maybe I really had no idea how much I made him feel infinite...

This feeling of happiness seems wonderful, well leaves me speechless whenever I think about the great things happening.

Maybe I should just sit back and relax like how he always says

I do not know, even though its confusing, there is clarity in this fairy tale that he has built me. Because more than love, I trust him

When I saw you standing there holding that doll in hand, innocence in eyes. It felt like I knew you from before, I felt you were a part of me. I couldn't sit there anymore. You're eyes were pulling me towards you. I didn't even know how I stood up and walked to you but I find me next to you the next moment.

I asked you if you'd come home with me and you just held my hand in a jiffy as if you were waiting for me to ask that.

The next thing I know I've filled out the form, told them that it's you who is gonna be mine. And you're home with me.

Now that's love at first sight for me. To the last word.

I came home late and found Mike sitting on the couch very disturbed

Me : what happened Mike, you seem upset, everything fine at work..?

Mike : everything is fine at work, I just have to attend a wedding reception tonight, I just got a call.

Me : what's wrong in that? you tired?

Mike : no, Mary is getting married, remember.... my ex.?

Me : It's fine baby, since she is fine why do you worry..? Go, wish her and come back.

Mike : *sighs* ok, I'll go, can you come with me, please..?

*my phone rings*

Me : hello, yes, oh, how are you.?

what.?

Congratulations..... when..?

Today! I'll try

You won't believe this, Mark got married today and he just invited me for his reception, like now...!

Mike: what..? You're ex, Mark..? What a fucking coincidence..?

Me : I guess we both have to go and congratulate the couple, I wish I could have with you...

Mike : It's fine, get dressed.

We got dressed up and we both headed out, he took a cab and I took the car, I walk in to the reception hall and turn around to find Mike

Both of us were upset as shit. It was over, we could have not gone, but we had to, we had to tell them we moved on...

Mike : what the fuck, wait... really.

Yes our ex were getting married to each other, which means their ex got married to each other, which was fucking crazy. We dint invite them for our wedding, so they have no idea...

We walked up, posed for a pic, him next to her and me next to Mark. It was the worst situation I was in...

We walk out hand in hand...

Mary & Mark : that was my ex, deal done of inviting them to our wedding...

Now, more than us they were fucked up exactly on their wedding day...

Like these tip of buildings we see

Lays the faces of people

Not just others but also yours and mine

Where all of our beauty is beneath the clouds

And they see from top

Flying so high

Never coming down

To know what we are

I wish you came down

And knew what I was

Right from the bottom

All the way up.....

I Wish for a Second Chance

Have you ever wondered how life would change if you just got another chance. Have you thought that if you could go back in time and say that one thing you ached to tell her so many times, maybe things would have changed between the two of you? Well I have. I think about her every single day and think how wonderful it would have been if I could’ve just told her how much I loved her. But now it’s all in vain. She is getting married today, yes she is and all I am able to do is think back and analyze how I missed the chance.

Parvathi; she was just breathtaking. She was tall, perfect curves, had hair that was flawless and her smile, worth a million dollars. She was the perfect girl. She was my junior in college.

On the opposite, was me. I was the most introvert person in college. It took me a year to get acquainted with the girls of my class; it was difficult for me to look at girls. Having studied in a boy’s school throughout my life, it was difficult for me to even be with girls. With friends, classmates and others I was able to talk to girls after a year.

When she came I just fell for her. Love at first sight if you call it. And when I told my friends they were surprised of course, but they wanted to know what made me fall for her of all the people in college?

“Well, I had a strange reason, she looked like Anne Frank.”

Yes, I loved Anne Frank. I loved the way she smiled, her charisma, it was just magical. And I always used to wonder whether there would be a person with the same charisma and then there came Parvathi. I dint care about what others thought. To me it was just important that she was the girl I always wanted.

She knew nothing about it. Well, by now the entire boy’s hostel knew that I was in love with her and then the girls in my class knew and I bet some in their class would also know about it.

I had to start trying to let her know how I feel. But I was scared, scared as shit. It’s not that I dint try, I did but nothing worked out. I went everywhere she went to, the cafeteria, the book store, everywhere but never got the guts even to say a simple hi. I would not even look into her eyes when she was passing by. I wanted to but I just couldn’t. All I did was stare at her beauty without her knowing about it. My friends started to pressurize me to tell her my feelings.

Finally, one day while we were having an inter-college fest I decided to tell her, I went to her class, told my friends to call her out, my buddies did so and then when she came out I went numb. I dint know what to say. So I stared with a very odd sentence on asking her regarding her residential area.

“Aren’t you from Vettur?

“No I am from Attipara.

Well they are places of complete opposite directions. Having realized about the blunder I just made, I lost all the confidence to talk to her and I left the place. That was a disaster, my first ever conversation with her was just the worst of all. My friends consoled me in all way possible. And then a friend of mine gave me an idea,

“Hey, why don’t you try the virtual world? Send her a friend request in facebook, get acquainted and tell her how you feel.”

That was a good idea, and so I sent her a friend request, but she dint accept that, after days I cancelled it and sent it again, nope this time too she ignored. It was not that she was inactive or something, she had in fact accepted the friend requests of other guys in my class but not mine. Finally, after sending her a friend request 5 times, I gave up.

My friends dint, they badly wanted to help me out. So a friend started trying on my behalf. We both used to travel by the same bus to college. The bus would first pick up the boys from hostel and then the day scholars, so everyday he used to save a seat for her next to me, and whenever she got in he would just offer her the seat, but every time she refused. And that was when I slowly started to realize that maybe she really had no interest in me. I still was in love with her, but dint want to try anymore.

One day, a senior of mine called me and asked me regarding her.

“I hear that you like this girl Parvathi, is it true?”

“Yes” I murmured

“Forget about her bro, I like her now and she is mine that is all”

“Excuse me, you can’t just tell me to forget about her, I liked her even before you. She can’t be yours.”

Well I was fighting for a girl who doesn’t even know that I exist.

“Well then, lets both tell her about what we feel and let her decide whom she wants to be with”

If I was able to tell her that, then even after a year and a half I won’t be just looking at her, rather she would have actually become mine. I was a chicken. But I just was like that, I couldn’t do anything.

This guy started doing tricks, she was sitting next to him in bus, they were seen along quite often, and a month or so later I came to know that she was with him and that they were both in love.

Today they are getting married. I wish I had a second chance that day during the fest to tell her how I felt about her, I wish I was not such a pussy and had told her about my feelings. I wish if only I could go back in time and fix everything up. I just wish… I just have never felt the same for any other girl the way I felt for her. She was my real life Anne Frank. I just wish I had done something. I wish I got a second chance.