Stop Associating Success With Age.. Stop Associating Happiness With Age... Stop Associating Journeys

I Wish for a Second Chance

Have you ever wondered how life would change if you just got another chance. Have you thought that if you could go back in time and say that one thing you ached to tell her so many times, maybe things would have changed between the two of you? Well I have. I think about her every single day and think how wonderful it would have been if I could’ve just told her how much I loved her. But now it’s all in vain. She is getting married today, yes she is and all I am able to do is think back and analyze how I missed the chance.

Parvathi; she was just breathtaking. She was tall, perfect curves, had hair that was flawless and her smile, worth a million dollars. She was the perfect girl. She was my junior in college.

On the opposite, was me. I was the most introvert person in college. It took me a year to get acquainted with the girls of my class; it was difficult for me to look at girls. Having studied in a boy’s school throughout my life, it was difficult for me to even be with girls. With friends, classmates and others I was able to talk to girls after a year.

When she came I just fell for her. Love at first sight if you call it. And when I told my friends they were surprised of course, but they wanted to know what made me fall for her of all the people in college?

“Well, I had a strange reason, she looked like Anne Frank.”

Yes, I loved Anne Frank. I loved the way she smiled, her charisma, it was just magical. And I always used to wonder whether there would be a person with the same charisma and then there came Parvathi. I dint care about what others thought. To me it was just important that she was the girl I always wanted.

She knew nothing about it. Well, by now the entire boy’s hostel knew that I was in love with her and then the girls in my class knew and I bet some in their class would also know about it.

I had to start trying to let her know how I feel. But I was scared, scared as shit. It’s not that I dint try, I did but nothing worked out. I went everywhere she went to, the cafeteria, the book store, everywhere but never got the guts even to say a simple hi. I would not even look into her eyes when she was passing by. I wanted to but I just couldn’t. All I did was stare at her beauty without her knowing about it. My friends started to pressurize me to tell her my feelings.

Finally, one day while we were having an inter-college fest I decided to tell her, I went to her class, told my friends to call her out, my buddies did so and then when she came out I went numb. I dint know what to say. So I stared with a very odd sentence on asking her regarding her residential area.

“Aren’t you from Vettur?

“No I am from Attipara.

Well they are places of complete opposite directions. Having realized about the blunder I just made, I lost all the confidence to talk to her and I left the place. That was a disaster, my first ever conversation with her was just the worst of all. My friends consoled me in all way possible. And then a friend of mine gave me an idea,

“Hey, why don’t you try the virtual world? Send her a friend request in facebook, get acquainted and tell her how you feel.”

That was a good idea, and so I sent her a friend request, but she dint accept that, after days I cancelled it and sent it again, nope this time too she ignored. It was not that she was inactive or something, she had in fact accepted the friend requests of other guys in my class but not mine. Finally, after sending her a friend request 5 times, I gave up.

My friends dint, they badly wanted to help me out. So a friend started trying on my behalf. We both used to travel by the same bus to college. The bus would first pick up the boys from hostel and then the day scholars, so everyday he used to save a seat for her next to me, and whenever she got in he would just offer her the seat, but every time she refused. And that was when I slowly started to realize that maybe she really had no interest in me. I still was in love with her, but dint want to try anymore.

One day, a senior of mine called me and asked me regarding her.

“I hear that you like this girl Parvathi, is it true?”

“Yes” I murmured

“Forget about her bro, I like her now and she is mine that is all”

“Excuse me, you can’t just tell me to forget about her, I liked her even before you. She can’t be yours.”

Well I was fighting for a girl who doesn’t even know that I exist.

“Well then, lets both tell her about what we feel and let her decide whom she wants to be with”

If I was able to tell her that, then even after a year and a half I won’t be just looking at her, rather she would have actually become mine. I was a chicken. But I just was like that, I couldn’t do anything.

This guy started doing tricks, she was sitting next to him in bus, they were seen along quite often, and a month or so later I came to know that she was with him and that they were both in love.

Today they are getting married. I wish I had a second chance that day during the fest to tell her how I felt about her, I wish I was not such a pussy and had told her about my feelings. I wish if only I could go back in time and fix everything up. I just wish… I just have never felt the same for any other girl the way I felt for her. She was my real life Anne Frank. I just wish I had done something. I wish I got a second chance.

Its the place that haunts me

I always thought it was people who held memories.

It was all the moments you have with people that stays

But how wrong was I

I went back to a place so mine. So familiar; Yet so distant now

The place that was once mine

And it was at that moment I realized that it is indeed places that hold moments and memories

Every path I walked yesterday, every step I took

Reminded me of so many people and so many moments

I could literally look back and see myself doing all sorts of stuff

With all the people I love.

When I told people they thought I was hallucinating

Or said I was being very filmy.

But trust me, I could see that all

Feel it all.

A sense of loss was felt

All those time that I spent there with all of them. It all just drifted back.

It was like there was something holding me back. 

It felt I could be with all of them at that moment.

I was happy as well as sad at that particular moment.

I had left back the whole idea that its not places and things that keep you the memory.

It’s at that moment that I realized that its places that haunts me.

The places that made me feel so much.

Hot summer days are the worst time to go on a drive, but I still decided to go on one. I thought maybe the AC in my car and the sunny sky would be a better change in comparison to my cramped room with humidity hitting the roof.

It was one of those days where I was eagerly waiting for the summer rains to drench the soil and let out a cool breeze.

As I keep driving, without a destination, nor a map to guide me through, taking turns as my brain tells me to and my heart wants me to.

I stop at an empty road, waiting for the 30 seconds on the signal to pass so I could head to the place I didn't know of.

That's when it came, the thunder, the lightening, the wind the breeze the dark afternoon and the darker clouds.

The radio tells me it's some cyclone, my heart tells me it's the first of summer rains.

I pause, I don't move an inch. The clouds starts pouring, the heavy water droplets on my car roof hits my ears, I scroll the window pane, and let the rain drops fall in.

My face now wet, my head filled with a hundred thoughts, I make a U-turn and head home.

I play loud music to shun the voices in my head. I stop at a tea shop, ask for a strong filter coffee and lit a cigarette, the radio yet again tells me of casualities due to the cyclone and my head tells me it's just the summer rains.

Image from @a-small-startup

The more you start gazing at the sky the more stars you see. The more you talk to a person the more they understand. The more you be you the more people like you. The more you give time for others the more the give you. It all starts with you

My thoughts on a starry sunday

For me

What would you do if you wake up tommorow morning and realize that you are not that person anymore. That you have changed overnight. How would you react when you realize that you dont remember anything at all what happened. What would you do if you suddenly found yourself in a time span much much ahead of where you last were.

I dont know either. But somehow, somewhere I feel that I am lost. Lost in my own life. My own vicious cycle of finding myself. Being good to myself. Being the person whom I am expected to be. Whom I expect to be.

I am tired of deciding things in life after analyzing whether I am becoming what they always doubted that I would become. I am tired of the realization that I have lost track of myself.

I want to live for me. Decide for me. And do or dont do things because I want to or dont want to. I dont want to stop doing something just because maybe that is what I am becoming. I am tired of justifying everything I do. I am tired of fulfilling the expectations of others. I am tired of not becoming and sick of living for others.

I want to be me and live for me decide for me and understand me justify me feel happy for me guilty towards me and me me and me no one else.

When you were my 12am friend now don't call me just for the courtesy. When you talked to me endlessly now don't talk just because I called. I've always come behind you all the while, now don't expect the same. If you want you talk otherwise just don't. You can't force forgiveness or love. I've done more than my part now it's up to you. Don't worry about me being ignored it isn't new to me.

The endless ignorance in life..........

You can't mess with my head and then say I was wrong. You can't tell me I'm amazing and then stop talking to me.

Hey there,

This turned out to be a huge success, with maybe just 6 performances including me, the encouragement from people and the participants have been so overwhelming, thanks a lot. 

The performers being:

1. Asfiya Sherif 2. Shyamala 3. Monica

4. Anusha 

5. Enigma @enigmasandephipanies

Also a huge shout out to all the people who joined @heofnothingness @hiraeth73 Arya, Megha, Riddhima, Maria, Mirium, Jeena, Paul, Zerin, Bhargavi, Swati, Pooja and Prince and all the others who joined in.... I have no words to express how it all went

Online Open Mic

Greetings of the day! Good whatever in whichever time zone you’re in.  Hope everyone is safe, well let’s get best of the lock down. I am organizing an online open-mic for all the poets and writers out there. 

All you have to do is message me and I will send you the link. The open mic is gonna be on Zoom an online platform, if you don’t wanna perform you can be a spectator to encourage.  So the details are:

Date : 29.04.2020 Time : 08:00 pm IST (Indian Standard Time) GMT + 05:30 Venue : Zoom Platform video call Language : English only

If interested send me a message and I will send you the link

I was never theirs

It took me a long time

To realize what had happened.

All this while I was blaming them

For the way I was.

It was me who made all the mistakes…

Mistake of trusting them,

Believing in them,

Thinking they were mine.

I thought I was loved less…

How wrong was I..

Coz’ I was never loved at all.

I thought they wanted good for me,

Alas, good was never present.

I thought a lot of things,

Perhaps how wrong was I…

My parents were never mine,

It was never their mistake

Coz’ I was the one who had mistaken

That I was theirs

But it turns out that

I was never theirs….

I plug in my earphones with no music switched on

The night slowly turned mellow.

The embrace of my best friend's mother

and the timing of my google photo notifications

just feels like a hug and a salp at the same time.

I gaze at pictures of the sky,

my phone chimes again

It's the reminder I had set to call my parents.

I swipe it away and brush off my thoughts

I do not have the energy to dial the number

and deal with both of them.

I continue looking at the image from last year,

a time when I was at a stranger's house

as I didn't wanna go home

I saw how juggling between multiple things,

multitasking, studying and working

were all pins to my shoulder

pinned with pride and a pinch of salt.

I remember how I was happy for the lack of time

to think, to feel and to contemplate.

But then going home, going back to that house

having to live with the person

whose house I left years ago.

scared me in a way I didn't know of

It made me want to leave even before reaching

It made me want the plane to crash

the car to stumble

the road to split.

It scared me that staying under the same roof

would scratch wounds that had become scars

would lead to conversations that would end to fights

I reached the building she called home and I called house

I remember how she would want to embrace me in a hug and I'd stand still

I remember how she wanted to know the people in my life

and how she wasn't a part of it

I remember how she had faded from all of it

While I stab my toe on the way to find my notebook to scribble this down

My phone chimes of the reminder to sleep

I still stare at the notification.

I miss the person I don't want in life.